The Unquiet Mind

     My mind never stops.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I can multi task and accomplish amazing things when I am on point.  I can not finish a single task when I am not.  I will start 20 different things and not see a single one to the end on these days.  Sleeping is ridiculously difficult.  Sometimes it seems hard to breathe.  I am not having a panic attack, or losing my mind.  I just simply can not ever stop.  I mean really just "stop"! I want to sit down, to relax, to breathe.  I want to watch a movie all the way through or get my nails done without feeling like I am wasting so much time.  I need my own space, my surroundings, my life back! 

     I am in a transition.  That is what it is referred to by family.  I feel trapped, out of sorts, lost.  It is difficult enough to have an unquiet mind.  To live in surroundings that do not belong to you, that do not calm you, that are a reflection of everything that you are not, is complete torture.  Yet, I am grateful for my host.  I am grateful for the time I needed to make this transition.  I have been on my own for 20 years and much of that time my homes have been calming, neutral, almost hippie or bohemian in its designs. My current home is straight out of Home and Gardens Magazine.  Beautiful in every way.  It is classic suburban very white with a nice front porch, large trees and open, airy. It  even has an indoor water fountain hand made by a local engineer/artist. There is nothing wrong with this home for most of America.  Many would call it perfect.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat. I can't stop.

     My host is turned off by the smell of food cooking in the kitchen, the sounds of soft music playing throughout the house, the smell of incense, and blankets and pillows left out on a couch where one might want to sit and read a book each day.  Everything must look perfect.  I can not fault her.  This is her devil.  She must have complete order to feel in control.  This is her burden to bear.  We are opposite as night and day. 

     There have been people in my life that could quiet my mind.  My roommate in college.  We had several apartments together and I always felt calm around her.  My daughter, who is so very similar to me it is frightening,  This home hurts her soul as well.  That bothers me more then anything. A co worker at my part time job, when not being utterly annoying can calm my mind just by his presence.  A man I dated last year could calm me with a simple hug, or even a look across the room.  Actually to this day, since we rarely speak anymore, his eye contact can still make me stop. For a brief moment when I see his eyes, I can breathe.  I wish this to happen with the current gentleman I am seeing.  I fear it will not.  He is so very good but I do not know if I will ever be able to relax.  I don't know if he can calm me. 

     I do know I must move.  I need my own space, my own hide away, my own surroundings.  I need to be able to stop, breathe, sleep, cook, and reflect on my day.  This blog is disjointed, jumpy, and unclear.  This is my mind today.

Do You Remember?

Do You Remember Who You Were Before the World Told You Who To Be?

     When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor.  At some point that turned into a marine biologist.  Both were great aspirations for a little girl in the 70's.  I loved helping people and animals.  There were no barriers or doubts.  I could be anything I wanted to be as a precocious 7 year old.  The world was open, the possibilities were endless. 

     At the end of 6th grade before we entered junior high we took a placement test and apparently my math skills were not that great.  I was placed in a lower math then all of my friends and this devastated me.  I did not want to go to junior high.  This awesome transition was now tainted by my supposed stupidity.  My family began placing limitations on my dreams.  I could be a nurse or a vet assistant.  My all time favorite was " it's ok you will marry well"! 

   What the hell!  Why was this done, why is this done to children all over our country every day!  If a school system sees a problem they should fix the problem not look for an easy way out! Back then ADD was not a thing.  I was on a first name basis with principle and guidance counselors due to my complete inability to stay in my seat or play practical jokes on other kids. My teachers could not read my written work because it was always jumbled and out of order, but I was allowed to answer the questions verbally and still pass.  I would not find out until college that I also had dyslexia.  

     In my teens I threw myself full force into dancing.  Choreographers did not care about my grades, just my ability to pirouette. I was not a great dancer!  I was good, but not great and I knew I never would be.  This began my transition into writing, theater and film.  In my mind this still did not require education.  I had given up on myself as soon as everyone else gave up on me.  The crazy part is the amount of knowledge it takes to put on a show or make a film is insane!  The math and science alone needed to make sets, shoot characters at every possible angle, understand the lighting, I could go on and on.  

     I went to college a bit later in life.  I took a few years off and worked for a film studio and wrote plays on the side.  When I applied to college it was kind of a joke.  I really did not think I had a chance in hell of getting in.  I applied to one college, not a small school by any means, and was accepted!  I was in shock and suddenly very scared of what would happen next.  My second week of school an amazing teacher pulled me aside after class and asked if I would go to the student assistance center for some testing.  I was not sure what he expected to find but I went.  My life has never been the same.  For the first time in my life someone validated me.  I was not stupid!  I was ecstatic! I made some very simple changes to the way I did things and 4 years later graduated with a 3.8 GPA.  I was hopeful and full of promise, I really could be a doctor!  I had moved onto and fell in love with psychology at that point and was going to become a psychiatrist.  Life of course had different plans, but I still want it and the difference is I know I could do it.  

     Do you have a child that struggles?  I beg you to take an interest, fight for your child!  Do not shoot down their hopes and dreams because a standardized test told you to.  Find a better way and do not stop until you find it.  To be a parent is to be so many things, but most of all it is to be an advocate for someone to young to fight their own battles yet.

My Refelction

     You slept while I worked. The sound of the music soothed you. Not Bach or Mozart, but rap and rock. I was a bartender when you were in my belly. I would come home late, very late with swollen feet and aching legs to tired to shower the night away. Like magic, just when I laid down to pass out from exhaustion you would awaken. Many might think this a bother or annoying but I was so glad to have that time with you. I could feel you stretch and move inside of me. It was funny and comforting. I would talk to you and tell you about my day or what kind of mom I hoped to be. I played with you by poking my stomach and seeing if you responded. More often then not you would move to that side like you were reaching for my hand. I loved you more then you will ever understand even before I saw your sweet face. 
      You are one and a constant joy. So much love, life and humor pour from your little body it overwhelms me somedays. I never knew how much I could love until I had you. My days start so very early and end very late. I am back in college and working full time. But I do it around your schedule so I can watch you grow. I want to be there for you every day. You are my motivation to be the best person I can be. You are my reason to smile, get good grades, work extra hard, and most importantly to learn to love and trust as I never knew how to before. Your little fingers wrapped mine, the way you look at me while we cuddle at nap time, as if nothing else matters but me and you. The silly faces you make just to make me laugh. I honestly believe this is your biggest joy in life, making me laugh. The harder I laugh the more you giggle and try for more. 
     3 years old you find me crying in the bathroom. You give me a hug and say " silly daddy had too many beers" 
      Five years old and tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten. You are so excited and scared, proud and nervous. Will the kids like you, is your uniform perfect, will the bus ride be scary? So many questions keeping my little girl awake. The morning comes and you look so grown up in your little uniform. The bus ride is scary, for me. I follow the bus to school and watch you walk inside. I Join other parents peeking in the cafeteria window to see that their little ones are ok as well. At the end of the day when I pick you up I am overcome with emotion as I watch you play quietly in the corner with your new friend. Life is perfect. 
       6 years old you find me crying in the kitchen amongst broken glass. I stop you from walking in so you do not cut your feet. You go put on my shoes, so big on your feet they make me smile. Again you hug me and say" its ok momma, daddy just had too many beers." 
      Nine years old and life is less then perfect. Daddy and I will not be living together anymore. We will not be living in our house anymore. We will be moving in with nana for a while. So many changes and so many rough times in the past 4 years. I can not hide the bad from you anymore. You are to smart and see through the lies. My heart breaks as you look to me for answers and for once I have none. I am exhausted from the fighting, the pretending, the pain. I just smile through my tears and tell you everything will be ok. I know that it will. I am a fighter, I may be down for this round, but I will get back up and we will be ok. 
      11 Years old and you have just started seeing daddy again for the first time in a year.
 12 years old and you are angry, so very angry. " why does daddy drink, why does he use drugs?" At the same time no one else can talk bad about your daddy. I try and explain addiction to a girl on the brink of her teen years. I try and explain why things are the way they are with out making daddy into a bad person. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I want to shout from the rooftops so many things. I want you to know how I worked two jobs your entire life while he squandered my money away. I want you to know you could not go back to the school where all your friends went because he spent your tuition money. I want you to know that we lost our home because he refused to get a job. I want you to know that we are still at nan's house because he does not pay a dime. Instead I smile and tell you he can not help it. He needs help and it will only work when he is ready to accept it. 
      15 and so grown up. You have gone trough so many changes. You are trying to find your way, trying on different personalities, goth, punk, sporty, preppy. I almost can't keep up and love every minute of it. Except I worry. I know it is because you feel like you don't belong. I know you feel lost and I don't know what to do. I can see I am losing you but I can't kiss this booboo and make it better. Your 10th grade year was and will hopefully be the toughest year of our lives. Anorexia, drinking, drugs. My reflection is staring back at me. I am looking at myself and wonder how is this possible? Is it hereditary?Everything you are going through, everything you are doing to your body, it was everything I did too. I cry myself to sleep many nights, just hoping we will make it through this. I pray to a God I do not know that I will not lose you. I dream endlessly of those little fingers wrapped around mine. I blame myself for not leaving daddy sooner. I never should have exposed you to that, I never should have allowed him in your life. I still don't know if that would have changed where we are right now. I don't want you to fall for a man that will hurt you. Your first boyfriend is just that guy. Just like daddy, he fools everyone until you run away from him and I know. It is an act he is not good and he needs to go.

     Glorious 16 and we take a trip to Vegas to see grandpa and your very cool aunt.  Your first flight, your first time out west, the brilliant lights and the wealth that surrounds us mystifys you.  We come back and get your permit and the first drive is frightening and real and amazing.  You are growing up so fast now and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I want so bad to cuddle you, hold you and tell you life has so many amazing times ahead.  I know this year has been very difficult but you will survive and your life will be wonderful.  

It is summer and you have a new friend.  I like her even though I don't show it.  You are happy and this makes me happy.  I still want to make the pain go away when I see it in your eyes, but for now I will stand back and be there if you need me.  I will always catch you when you fall to far, but sometimes you need a few bumps along the way.  This is how we grow.  

Transition

Growing up.....

     There comes in a time in life when you must decide what is right for someone else, even if it is not what you want.  This is called growing up.  We go through these changes several times in life.  Children learn to share their toys with a friend they really like.  Siblings learn to share their lives to keep the peace in a home they must also occupy.  Teens learn to compromise with parents and employers for the first time so that they may have the freedom they so desire.  The list goes on with each stage in life.

     This weekend I came to realize that I value the friendship I have with someone and do not want to lose it.  I enjoy his company, appreciate his opinion, and love to hear his stories.  I do not want to lose this in my life.  So I grew up a little more and I am working on building this friendship and letting go of the relationship.  It does not mean I don't love him, but love comes in many forms.  I am not good for him in the way I would like to be, but I know the real me, the one I keep hidden from him, will mesh well with his personality.  So it begins, the long journey into a life long friendship that will take time to build.  He keeps a lot inside and it will take time to earn his trust to really become friends, but the wait will be worth it.  In time he will see what a mess I am and lecture me on my life choices like my other buddies.  

     

Rapids and Rivers

A lazy day is lost on me...

     It has been said that opposites attract.  It has also been said that like attracts like.  In my personal opininion sayings in general are nothing more then words that mean something to someone at the time they are being read!  People put a great deal of thought into horoscopes and self help books and doctor shows on television.  I am not saying they do not have their place in life.  If a doctor show forces you to go get a medical condition checked out that you have been ignoring then fantastic!  If a self help book pushes you into a new and better lifestyle then cudos to the writer and to yourself! 

     I very rarely take time to sit and reflect these days.  I go and go until I drop.  I know this is on purpose.  I know that my self created chaos is merely a deterent to my own thoughts and dissatisfaction with my current lifestyle.  For the past 2 days I forced myself to rest.  I felt I was coming down with something and had just got back from a trip to see my dad, who had the flu!  I very rarely succomb to sick days but I also know spring selling season is around the corner and If I get a stomache virus I am done for.  My body does not tolerate this virus and will revolt on me for a good month.  Fantastic diet plan, bad for business.  For the first time in years I forced my self to stay home for 40 of the past 48 hours.  I did have to attend two appointments.

     I am not a tv person but I like to pull marathons now and then.  I proceeded to watch 2 seasons of Rescue Me back to back for 2 days.  Here is where we put the sales woman to bed for a while and let the counselor come back out to play.  Several dozen episodes later I am doing a complete analysis of the characters on the show and in turn self analyzing my own little messed up head.  The characters can be said to be sterotyped but in reality they are pretty damn close to life in the world it takes place in. This world parallels 2 other worlds I know so therefore it is not a self contained chaos but comically similar to what I call high pressure carreers.  High pressure carreers often lead to drinking, infidelity, immaturity, and general mental health issues.  This in turn often leads to physical ailments and an early grave.  I believe the last time I read up on this the average lifespan of high pressure carreer folk was about 65.  Kind of a scarey thought now that I am getting closer and closer to that age!  Your blue collar workers in these fields often drink and eat away the stress.  The white collar workers do the same but sometimes have the luxary to take vacations and work out as well which may combat some of the damage done by the food and alcohol.  I exist in both worlds.  I am white collar by day and blue collar by nite.  I work out but do not have the luxary of vacations very often.  

     My life is a bit chaotic which is why I find the self analysis part so fascinating.  As I re watched  the show, but back to back and in sequence this time, I began see my life a little differently.  There are several types of characters on the show.  Some are genuinely good people, others are easy going, then some are a little more complicated.  The lead character played by Dennis Leary is the most complicated of all.  This of course is exactly the type of person I am drawn to in all my friendships and relationships.  I have several friends who are the same way.  It does not matter if they are male or female and if the person they are drawn to is a lover or a friend.  As a group of people, a personality type ourselves, we are drawn to chaos.  We want to fix the broken, mend the problems, make the world right.  The ironic part is not because our lives are perfect, but because they are perfectly imperfect that we need to make every one else's life better.  To take the time to mend our own cracked foundations would be too costly, it is easier and less detrimental to our souls to take care of the world around us.  The relationships in this show amongst lovers, friends, and brothers are by some standards a complete mess.  I have a couple friends who look at this show and honestly believe no one lives this way.  I know from first hand experience that there is a large segment of the American population that does call this life very normal.  

     As I spent my two days of rest watching tv and going over my own life, I realize why I am the way I am.  I have tried normal, I have even tried dating normal, and I have friends who are "normal".

A normal lifestyle led to my own self demise in my early 20's.  As for dating Mr. Normal, I am always bored by date number 3 and turn them into friendships ( these are the same guys who will lecture me the entire rest of my freaking life)!!!  I keep considering I have enough friends and should just walk away and save myself the headache, but I do love them all and appreciate their concern.  As for my girlfriends who are normal, well I will always love them as well, but you know where you fall on the normal chart by how often I see you.  If I only talk to or see you several times a year and we are actually good friends, then I am saving you from my chaos, take comfort you are very sane and very normal.  If we comminicate several times a month you are tough enough to deal with my moods, and I am entertained by your chaos.  These folks are average on the sanity scale.  If I talk to or see you several times a week, well if you do not know it all ready, you are the walking definition of crazy.  

     These people are all very similar.  They ( we) all believe we are stronger then we are.  We know more then we do, we have everything under control, no one can hurt us, and no one understands what is really going on inside our crazy little heads.  We are convinced if anyone every really knew what we think about we would be locked up.  This is actually the decided difference between actually being crazy and feeling crazy.  A truly mentally ill person, does not think there is anything wrong with the terrible thoughts that go through the average person's head.  They honestly do not see themselves as ill or even different then anyone else. I know two people who fit this definition and not only is it fascinating but almost terrifying that they have no concept of their own illness.   A crazy person does not know they are crazy.  Now I know people are going to give me crap for using the word crazy, but this is a lite hearted piece not a peer reviewed article. 

     The lesson in all of this self analysis is simple.  I am destined for chaos.  It was predetermined in my upbringing and there is not a damned thing I can do about it.  So I have learned to enjoy the ride.  Nothing in  my life is permanent and I will always learn something from every relationship.  By the way if you know anyone who fits Dennis Leary's character I will definitely date him.   It won't last long but it would be a hell of a ride! 

New Years Resolutions and Other Lessons

My Resolution is Simply to Live in the Present...

     I do not make New Years resolutions.  I feel like they are a set up for failure even for the strongest of my friends.  Every year in January my gym is flooded with newbies who have made a resolution to get fit.  Not that I am against it, I think its great! I just change up the time I go so I can avoid the temporary crowd.  What bugs me is by February It's like they were never there at all!  Same old faces as before the holidays and we chat and sweat and get through the cold early mornings together.  I think if you are going to resolve to do something then you should commit yourself to it 100%.  I also think any resolution fueled by a night of drinking is probably a bad idea!  

     This year I want to try a small resolution mainly due to my new found freedom from myself.  I have kept a fortress around myself for 40 years and lived really well.  This year for the first time ever I let the wall come down and at the ripe old age of 42 I am getting through my very first broken heart.  It is almost comical that all the things I heard girls say all my life I am feeling for the first time.  It is a very liberating experience, and truly amazing because as an adult I can do something the younger me could not have.  I can take responsibility.   I allowed my past to mess with my present and I have no one to blame but me.  So in honor of the new year I simply resolve to live in the present, be my true self, love deeply, and love often.  Life is to short to live a false life.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

All I Want For Christmas

It is not about the money.....

     This year has been a time for change.  I have a new office, new friends, brand new babies in the family, and a fresh start to my life.  The past few weeks have been hectic.  Usually by now I have all my Christmas shopping done and just spend the week before Christmas making cookies and visiting friends.  To me Christmas is not about the gifts but the time you spend with friends and family.  I always felt like it was a magical time but for different reasons.  People have a sense of hope and a kindness over this holiday that you do not find the rest of the year.  I enjoy everything about this season, the snow, the lights, the laughter, baking, and giving.  Unfortunately I was ill for several weeks and then my daughter came down with a double dose of strep so that with work left no time to shop.  Today, the day before Christmas eve, I went on a mission and came out a champion.  I left the house at 7 am and alternated shopping with appointments all day until all was accomplished.  I even had time for dinner with an old friend whom I do not see nearly enough. The funny part is the gift I love the most only cost me ten dollars and will most likely not be appreciated for the thought that went into it.  That is ok because it brings me joy to give it.  This one was thought of weeks ago, as the original gift was bought 2 months ago but ran into a very expensive snag.  Each gift I buy is bought just for that person.  I do not do fillers or buy things just to buy them, as a gift should mean something or not be given at all.  If you go to the trouble to get in your car, go to a store, purchase something with your hard earned money, go home and wrap it then really there should be some thought behind it.  Some of the best gifts I have ever received cost only a few dollars but were special because the person giving it to me knew it was perfect for me.  

     I am a lover of warm drinks.  I love a good cup of coffee, all kinds of tea, and in the winter I can not get enough hot cocoa.  One year my roommate made a basket with literally dozens of specialty teas, coffees and cocoas that lasted me for months.  It made my winter extra special and every time I drank a cup I thought of her and smiled.  Another friend went thrift shopping for months to find a dozen different broaches because we were required to wear them at work.  I had a special one for each season and holiday that made work more fun.  For mothers day one year my 6 year old daughter went to a bookstore with her dad.  She was on a mission to find the perfect mothers day gift and she knew I loved to read.  She picked a huge red book from the bargain section called " Serial Killers Through Out History" It was a nonfiction and started in the 1700's through modern day.  When she told the lady at the check out counter it was for her mommy for mothers day ( looking very proud) the woman began to question her selection.  Her dad said nothing, but my tiny little girl shot right back, " my mommy is a counselor and works with special people who need help all day long, trust me she will love it", and I did.  

     I have to admit I spent an obscene amount of money for my little budget today, but that was because of last minute shopping and no time to bargain hunt.  I will have to work a little harder this winter to make up for it, but I know that no gift was bought with out thought and all will be appreciated.  As for me the only thing I want for Christmas I know I can not have, so I will enjoy my time with family and friends and let the magic of the season warm me.  Next year will be different, but for now my Christmas gift will have to wait.  

A Perfect Day

Sometimes it is the little things...

     I got a full 6 hours sleep last night and woke up in the best mood.  There was a slight drizzle outside but it is December and 60 degrees so I could not pass up the opportunity for a nice long walk.  The mountains were beautiful, the birds were chirping and the rest of the world was still asleep.  This is my idea of a perfect morning. 3 miles later and slightly wet I felt completely renewed.  

     My day keeps getting better as I got lots of work done went on to my next destination and had a fantastic conversation with a female pastor.  I never know who will walk through my door at work but it is quiet every Sunday and I always welcome the company.  I am the only agent I know that invites random people to sit down and talk about life , but I am always fascinated by stories and the different types of people I meet always leave me entertained.  We talked about several different topics and shared our knowledge of each.  Then came my Sunday regulars checking in on their homes progress, also very lovely people.  They are from California and on the outside seem like complete opposites, but still very in love over 50 years later, something works! 

     My final destination today may prove to not be as wonderful as the rest, I already hear wind of drama and I will not be in the door for another 2 hours.  I vow right now not to let it spoil my mood.  I like being happy.  I know that sounds corny but I am generally a very happy person and its been a rough couple of weeks.  I want this renewed spirit to remain through the new year.  I can not change the world but I can certainly make my corner a little better place to live.

Almost There

A Time to Rest.....

     Well it certainly has been an interesting week.  I can feel a change coming on, a peace returning, everything is ok.  Most of the gifts are bought, the house smells like cookies, and the fireplace is lit.  These things all make me happy.  It is amazing how pain can completely derail your life.  This past 10 days has probably been the worst one yet, probably brought on by stress.  I got very little done and was an emotional wreck.  I bit off the heads of just about everyone in my family, and made lots of apologies.  Now it is time to move on and enjoy the holidays.  Monday and Tuesday I will finish up shopping, do more baking and lots of wrapping.  It is currently 60 degrees out so I think a white Christmas is out of the question, but we had 2 pretty snowfalls so far.  Life is good here and I count my blessings everyday that I have the life I do. There are so many people out there who do not have a good life and I understand that even though I don't have much I have everything I need.  

Baby's Daddy's and Other Stuff

Remember When The Night Began At 10?

     I do not sleep much.  I can not sit at home, it drives me insane.  Do you remember when you were in your 20's and even 30's and never thought of going out before 10 pm on the weekend.  That concept works for us old heads as well.  Kids are home maybe asleep and a sitter can take over for a couple hours.  Unless of course that sitter is the childs father.  I had plans with 2 girlfriends tonight.  Ladies night downtown.  We don't go downtown often but when we do it is always a guaranteed good time.  As of 9 pm neither girl has heard from the father of their children - let me preface they are friends and probably out together right now.  This means that 2 hours of primping and pampering are now going to waste on what is sure to be a date with the good old boob tube tonight.  I feel bad for them as they only get out once a month or so where my child is older and I have more freedom.  I do remember the days, the fights, the baby daddy drama. With me it was not about going out, I was lucky enough to bartend in a hot spot on the weekends and we always partied after.  Friday and Saturday was mom's night out through the guise of work. I actually thought it was pretty clever.  However I really wanted to get my master's degree and my child's father blocked that every way possible.  He was already mad I had gone back to college and got my bachelor.  There was no way he was going to let me get my Masters.  Eventually I had to withdraw because he would say he was going to babysit and once again not show up.  I do love the fact that he actually referred to it as babysitting and I am pretty sure he wanted paid for watching his own child.  

     These ladies are in a similar situation and probably is why we bonded.  They are fantastic and strong single moms who chose the wrong guy.  There is actually a network made just for strong women who had children to the ultimate bad boy and then realized what that meant.  We had a toast we used to do " Young ladies in black stilettos, looking fierce tonight, your hair, your nails, the fake tan too, my you look fly for the hot single guys.  Here's to the bad boys you will do tonight, own it work it take him home , but wrap it up tight cuz in the morning he'll be gone."  I know seems corny now but in the club days we thought we were hot shit.  Tiny, toned, curvaceous, tanned and highlighted with nails bright red and teeth bright white.  We always traveled in packs and never paid a dime.  I believe this is where the show Jersey Shore came from.  

     The thing is we actually worked our asses off.  We worked hard, studied hard, played hard, and rested on Sundays.It does not seem like the kids in those shows actually work.  

     Well I am off to pick up my own child and call it a night.  By the way it is 9:47 on a Friday.

Decisions

Timing is Everything

     Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.  Sometimes you have to go with your gut.  My gut has never steered me wrong.  My head and my heart on the other hand have taken me down many a bad roads.  If it takes more then a day to make a decision then I have to believe the decision has already been made.  I may ponder over small stuff in life.  I may spend weeks thinking about a hair cut or a pair of shoes, but the big stuff I just know, I go with my gut.  When I decided to move away from home there was no planning or forethought, I packed my little ford escort up and headed south.  When I decided to finish my college degree I applied and enrolled right before the fall semester began.  I will spend years at the same job but leave with no warning but an official 2 weeks notice.  I just know when it is time to go.  

     The same holds true for sticking with something or trying something new.  I know when it is right for me, but that does not mean it is right for everyone involved.  Unfortunately there are times in life when you feel in your gut that something is right but you are only half the equation.   I may really like a job or career path that I am on but if I am not benefiting the company with my skills then no matter how happy I am I still may have to go. The same holds true for friendships.  Not all friendships are made to last.  Some are great for a short time and serve their purpose in the lives of those involved, but at some point people grow and change and need to separate.  If you are the one waiting for the decision to be made it can be very difficult.  I have found it to be true that if the other party is taking a long time to say if they want to stay or go, they have already gone.  You may never know why.  With a job you can ask for explanation but I myself have saved an employees feelings by sugar coating the firing.  It is more difficult with friends, and most difficult in relationships.  People generally do not want to hurt people so they cover up the truth with niceties. 

     People leave for all kinds of reasons.  All I can say is take solace in the fact that it is rarely as personal as it seems.  Our lives our shaped my thousands of experiences and sometimes we just don't fit the mold of what the other person wants. Don't wait around to be punished.  If someone wants you in their life they will unmistakably let you know.  They won't want you to walk out the door.  If they don't care then you will know that too, in your gut.  They will have no problem watching you leave.  Hold your head high and know that there will come a day when that job, or friend, or lover will fit perfectly with all your experiences and will not want to let you go.

Until then live with no regrets, don't be afraid to take chances, and walk away with your head held high to the next adventure in life.  We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Stop Yer Bitchin.....

Not to offend you but....

     Excuse my bitch session.  I am so tired of hearing about the insurance debate.  I have a Facebook acquaintance that post his opinion on our President and the health care plans several times a day. He has insurance.  I have several friends who hold the same opinion.  They have insurance.  I have many friends who bitch and moan about their aches, pains, colds, and general well being.  They have insurance.  Most of them do not go to the doctors, act 20 years older then their age, have easily fixable medical conditions, and prefer instead to gripe and moan like a bunch of crotchety old folks in a nursing home.  I actually think they act worse some days.  

     Do they realize what those of us stuck in the middle would do for health insurance?  The million Americans that make to much for medical assistance, but don't make enough to pay for private health insurance. Our jobs do not offer health insurance and believe it or not that extra 3-5 hundred a month for a private plan would literally do us in.  

     I am a chronic pain sufferer.  I live with it everyday of my life.  I last slept through the night 6 days ago.  I am about to lose my mind from exhaustion.  I can do nothing about it.  I go about each day with a smile on my face and pretend I am fine because there is no other option.  I come up with home remedies that make the pain tolerable.  Right now it has been between a 7-9 for days and to avoid thinking about it I work extra shifts just to keep moving.  I would be so grateful to have affordable healthcare.  I am not looking for a handout.  I am not looking for freebies.  I just want a plan that will still allow me to put food on the table.  To have the option of going to the doctor and find out for sure what is wrong instead of just guessing and trying home remedies would be the best feeling in the world.  I do not think those of you who have always had insurance can even imagine what it is like to not see a doctor for 20 years.  Those of you who get strep throat or an ear infection and just go get a pill, you can not imagine battling it for 3-5 weeks until your body fights it off.  Those of you with a toothache and go see a dentist can't imagine suffering for a year until the tooth falls out.  Those of you who get a headache from your eyes and go get a pair of glasses, many just suffer and use a lot of eye drops.

     The battle for affordable healthcare is just beginning.  The problem is not with us or the doctors, or the insurance companies.  It is with the suppliers who charge thousands of dollars for cotton balls, that of course is an exaggeration.  However in other countries where universal healthcare does work there will never be a pill that cost $120.00 a piece. I do not care how we make it work but it needs to work.  We need to have affordable healthcare in this country.  For those of you silently cursing me right now, I bet you have insurance.

Just sayin.....

Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.

To Be Completely Honest.....

I Could Not Face The Truth

     They say honesty is the best policy and insanity is the best defense.  I suppose we have all been there at some point in our lives.  Last night I did something I never dreamed I could do.  I took the cowards way out.  It was not even a way out but a complete loss of reason.  I told someone that means the world to me that I could not be a part of their life anymore via text message.  If there ever was a defense for such an asinine move then 4 shots in 30 minutes brought on by the fact that I did not see his car in the parking lot before I went in might ease my guilt a bit.   It does not.  

    This past summer I met a man.  Yes I know nothing for the record books but for me it was a big step.  My friends have been bugging me to start dating again for a long time now.  It had been 5 years since I truly put myself out there.  I thought it was time to test the waters and I had my eye on a man at my local watering hole. From the little I knew about him he was a man's man.  Kind of rough and tough and a little to straight forward.  He was also the entertainer, the good time guy.  I figured he was perfect.  A few dates a few drinks and no strings attached.  Well someone should have warned me the reason it never worked out with anyone else is because I always dated boys, and apparently this man was my type of guy.  I fell too hard too fast and tried like mad to deny it.  He would not let me.  He saw right through me and literally drug the word love right out of my mouth.  This rough and tumble guy danced with me and quietly sang the songs in my ear, I melted at that moment and every time after that he did this.  When we cuddled he would remark how perfectly we fit together and he was right.  I never felt so safe next to someone in my life.  You will here mention of him in other post on here. Family Strong is my favorite.  

     We had a perfect summer which is what made fall so difficult.  Life took over and there was less and less time together.  He did not seem to mind, did not seem concerned.  Maybe I think too much or maybe I felt like we were going backwards.  I wanted to feel the security I felt with him over the summer.  I wanted to know that I still meant something to him.  Last month I told him we needed to talk, I needed to talk.  Let me preface this with I am a tomboy in some ways. I grew up playing army, riding huffys and building forts.  I love football and drinking beer and don't believe in marriage.  So when I act girly it throws people off.  That was his response.  "Don't get all girly on me". and then he went away.  He really did not go away but my text were answered less and less and my phone calls were declined.  He would insist nothing was wrong and go into one of his infamous stories from his past.  The only thing I really know about his past is that he slept with a lot of people, cheated on some and felt bad when he got caught.  What I want to know is his favorite memory from childhood, his favorite vacation, even his favorite color would be nice.  I am not sure why just about every story ends with or begins with this girl or that but it sure does not help me to feel anything good about where we were at.  He thinks I don't trust him and you can't build a relationship on suspicions. ( a song he sang at karaoke last night) Well then stop telling me about all your misgivings and try living life in the present for a while!!! A relationship can also not last if two people can't fight and make up! I can't keep my mouth shut and be happy.  I need to let it out sometimes and know its ok.  A healthy relationship is built on these experiences, not just good times.  If good times is all you want then Do Not bring the word love into it!
     The thing about not believing in marriage is that we believe twice as much in the power of love. It is not even that marriage is out of the question, but the relationship is what is most important, not the paper or the ring.  I believe in being in love.  It is easy to say you love people but it takes work to stay in love with your partner.  It takes special moments, date nights, quality time, alone time away from each other, random acts of kindness, and fighting like cats and dogs.  Love requires work and no paper or ring can guarantee that someone will want to work for you, to hold onto you, to make sure you know your importance in their lives.  I have rearranged my schedule to his so that we could have time together.  I went from working 80 + hour weeks 7 days a week to 50 hours and 5 days.  My schedule is more flexible so it seemed the appropriate thing to do.  If I had not then we would not have made it past September.  In doing this I took a financial hit but was gaining something much more valuable.  I was gaining time and a life for the first time in a long time.  The trade off was worth it.  I still remember the day I looked at him in a room full of people in his home and knew I had fallen in love.  At that moment nothing else mattered.  For everything he was and for everything he was not, I loved all of him.  Unfortunately I could not tell him with so much going on.  I don't know if I could have anyway as he has stated several times that he will never love any woman again the way they want to be loved.  I guess in his mind you only get one shot and for him his first wife was it.
     Why put myself out there then.  I believe you can have several great loves and I know he is one.  But if he can never feel the same way then why try?  The answer is simple for me.  I have to love and I have to let my feelings be known.  It is who I am.  I can not live life in a box and I have crawled into a shell this past month to avoid the pain of losing him, until the night I did.
     Saturday night I lost him and I can tell he does not get why.  It is all about respect for someones feelings.  We had been at a charity event during the day and he had been drinking.  Afterwards I had to get home to my daughter so I could not go to the after party.  A storm was moving in and I need tires so I did not want to drive in it. It was not even a question in my mind that we would see each other later.  I never heard from him again that night.  I saw his son who had not heard from him.  The storm was bad and he had now been drinking for 9 hours.  I was worried he was in a ditch somewhere.  All the nights of my past came flooding back.  My dad, my daughters dad, my roommate, all the nights waiting up to know if someone was dead or alive.  I shut down.  My walls went up.  I broke up with him by a text and ran for my life.  Was it the right thing to do?  I know in my heart I love him.  I know I am in love with him.  I also know he has a rule.  Once things are done they are done, no going back.  I know this to be true as I see and have heard all the stories off his past.  I don't think I was wrong to be upset for many things over the past month. I just want him to know that my love was real.  for me no part of this was a fling. I hope he finds what ever he is looking for in life.  I truly love his spirit and his smile and want him to be happy. What a way to end this crazy year... 

Appearances Are Everything

Procrastination is the practice of carrying out less urgent tasks in preference to more urgent ones, or doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ...

     I am waiting for a client.   There are a dozen things I could and should be doing.  Instead I sit here looking up the definition of procrastination.  I am well aware of the actual definition as it defines my life.  To the outside world I am the walking definition of a hard worker.  To my immediate family, ( my mother and child), I am a complete mess skating by on very thin ice.  This is the very reason I created Angela.  I needed an outlet for the real me.  The woman who is far from perfect and never quite sure how I make it from one month to the next.  

     I was raised in a home where appearances are everything.  We always left the house with a smile and dressed to face the world.  It did not matter that five seconds beforehand we were tearing each others heads off, to the world we were just "fine".  I hate the word "fine".  By definition the word fine indicates everything is ok.  In reality this word is usually a cover for several different emotions.  None of which actually mean that all is right with the world.  

1.  Parent to child - " Fine, I will deal with you later." A spanking or grounding is in their very near future.

2.  Child to parent - " Fine, I will do it now." I hate you to my soul!

3.  Woman to man- " Everything is just fine"  I am ready to have a complete meltdown but won't give you the satisfaction of seeing it because you should already know I AM NOT FINE!!!

4.  Man to woman - " Yeah babe I'm fine" In actuality he really is fine.  ( Men are much easier to read) 

     The more stressed I am, the more I procrastinate.  Right now my stress level is somewhere around an 11 and I am getting a ton of miscellaneous organizing accomplished.  I am even preparing next years sales goals.  I actually do need to prepare those but in December not at this very moment.  I need to push through this month and sell 3 more properties or it will be a very unhappy holidays for everyone in my world.  With this sad image of a barren Christmas tree on Christmas morning I think I will end this thought for today.  There is no backup plan in my world.  I am my own team and if I don't make it happen no one else will.  So for the sake of making sure Santa Clause comes to town I will say farewell, adios, ciao, adieu, sayonara, you get the point.    :-)

I Have Not Been Myself

Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back

     Have you ever woke up and been absolutely in love with your life?   I have been lucky enough to have the moment many times over the years.  Those days are almost corny, like the beginning of Cinderella when she is singing to all her forest friends. Yup I mean so disgustingly happy that the only way to describe it is through a Disney film.  For me it is usually brought on by an accomplishment of some sort, or getting to do something I really love in life.  What ever your happy is you know that moment I am talking about.  

     I have spent the past couple years recreating myself.  I was on a mission to finish what I started 23 years ago.  At the age of 19 I set off to live out my dreams and see the world.  I had an incredible, crazy, awesome,and sometimes dangerous 8 years of self exploration.  Unfortunately I ended up more lost then when I started my journey, but it was a hell of a ride!  The next 10 years were defined more by tragic occurrences happening repeatedly by my own inability to leave a bad situation.  There are often moments in life we would like a chance to change, for me that moment is the spring of 1997.  I had just come to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mom in 8 short months.   I knew only one thing, her co-creator was not the daddy type and certainly was very bad for my existence. My roommate felt differently and spilled the beans.  We decided we were going to give this a try and moved back to my hometown to begin our journey into adulthood.  Now he actually had some very good daddy moments that surprised me over the years.  He could swaddle better then anyone I knew, sing her to sleep, and play pretend pretty darn well. Then there was the time he got her a full size drum set for her 2nd Christmas, no you could not see her, but she had a blast banging away on it.  He was there for her first step, and taught her how to ride a bike, overall he had good times with her.  

     Our relationship however was toxic to both of us.  He honestly had a complete inability to stay in a monogamous relationship.when we met he was the tender age of twenty and his number of partners was already at close to fifty by what we could tell.  Yes I know I should have run right then.  By the time we had separated for the last time that number had doubled. He also had a complete inability to keep a job, so fiances were always my responsibility.  He was at times cute and goofy and charming.  He had a lot of passion for his career and for music. Had we stayed separated the first time we may have remained friends. Instead we kept coming back together, his drinking, cheating, and general life skills took a nosedive and I berated him for it.  This only led to more drinking and what was an emotionally and financially toxic relationship turned downright violent.  I shut down and became a ghost in the mirror.  I lost all of myself until one day I could take no more and left for good.  

     It took 6 months for me to learn to sleep again.  It took 1 year to really laugh for the first time.  It took 5 years to figure out how to live life my way all over again.  I found my independence, my spirit, my confidence.  I once again was in charge not only in my work life but in my personal life as well.  It felt good to be working my way back up from the grave I was in.  I was OK.

     This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and had to be completely honest with myself.  I have taken 4 steps back and it is not a pretty sight.  There is no Disney film to describe this moment. I am once again keeping my mouth shut, needlessly worrying about things I have no control over, and in general acting like the mouse I had become for survival back then.  Only problem is,  this is my problem now.  I am not in danger and life is good, but for some reason my self is running scared.  I am doing stupid things, not taking care of business, and in general acting like an idiot.  I may sound a bit harsh, but seriously I need a reality check here.  So today I looked in the mirror with complete disgust and said "no more"!  I will not make stupid decisions, I will not keep quiet, I will be myself and either people will like me or not. I can not control what other people think about me and honestly never had a problem with friends that I did not create myself.  I have always kept people at a distance, but that's my fault not theirs.  I will take care of business and in 6 short months the final part of my journey back will be complete.  I will once again be a homeowner.  This means more to me then just about anything.  It will be my final step, my way of feeling accomplished, and it will not matter that I will have no furniture to put in it, all sold off long ago, it will be mine. I will lay in the middle of the living room floor like in my first house and just grin from ear to ear.  This will be my final step forward, and I know the next 10 years are going to be amazing.  

A Home For Everyone

A house is not a home until you make it your own.

     I absolutely love days when everything falls into place.  About two months back I ran into a gentleman I had not seen in several years.  I had worked with his wife until she passed away from cancer.  He randomly walked into my open house during a busy day and I only had a moment to say hello and see how he had been.  A few weeks later we met and he told me someone had knocked on his door and wanted to buy his home.  Yes that really does happen!  We talked and I contacted the couple to go over the process with them.  When I took them through the home I knew it belonged to them.  It is important that your home fits who you are.  In this case it was more important that the home would continue to be well cared for.  My friend had built the home with his wife and letting it go was going to be an emotional experience, but he wants and needs a smaller place and less maintenance.  

     The deal almost did not happen as disagreements on price cropped up.  After touring other homes I could see her first choice was still the only choice.  It was her home and my friend knew she would care for it well.  Today an agreement was reached and I am soaring.  

     I remember every space I ever lived in.  Some places meant more then others, but none have ever been home.  I know what it looks like.  I can see it in my mind, in my dreams, and one day it will exist.  For my friend that was his time.  That was the home that meant the most.  For the new buyers, this will be that place, a place to call home.  

Family Strong

It's Been My Privilege

      Just a few short months ago a party was held for an amazing woman.  I did not know at the time that she was amazing,  I knew in advance that she had been battling cancer for some time.  I knew that she wanted to have a blow out party in case her upcoming operation did not go well.  I did not know what family looked like until I met this bunch of wild, crazy, amazing and loving women and their odd man out brother.  I could not tell she was sick, I could not tell if she was afraid but that night I saw a light and energy surrounding her and all her family.
     A few days later she endured an 15 + hour operation to remove a tumor that was intertwined with her intestines. What started out as ovarian cancer had spread.  She again made it through and things were looking good.  I have to believe the support of her family made all the difference in the world.  Sometimes that is just not enough.  A few weeks later her body began to fail her and she was put on hospice.  Her brother welcomed her and the entire family into his home, his man cave if you will.  His world was turned upside down but in a good way.  I could tell he lived for this.  He likes to be needed and likes family around.  He had a renewed spirit that I knew existed somewhere inside of him but rarely get a chance to see.  This is the side of him I like best.  This is the side I fell in love with but am only privy to in stories from his past.  I hope one day to share in that spirit and be a part of that world.
    The first week or so went really well.  The sisters and friends rallied around her for support.  Her twin daughters were so very strong.  I can not imagine if I were in their shoes how hard it would be.  There were make overs and spa days and 24/7 care.  Again the spirit and energy that emits from this crew is incredible. Each one so very different yet so very similar.   This past weekend was not as joyful.  She went through the stages of denial and  still wanting to fight, through to acceptance and learning to let go all in the course of a week. Only love is capable of making this happen.  The support of a strong family makes all the difference in the world
     The final 48 hours were the most amazing to witness as an outsider this time.  Offering to help where I could, sometimes just being there to talk and share in the stories they shared about her life.  The family still rallied around, helping each other now and letting her know it was ok to let go.
     I am not a religious person but I am in awe of that final day.  Her brother left his phone at home and when he realized it went home to retrieve it. At the same moment in time she was slipping away. There is no denying the possibility that this was meant to happen this way.  At the end her daughter heard her say "God?" as if she could see him standing before her. This brave young women told her it was ok, then she simply said "ok" and slipped away.
If ever there were words I would want to here a loved one say in their final moments that would be it.  There was not going to be a funeral or service so they all had a chance to say their final goodbyes in the comfort of the home, surrounded by each other.  I can not think of anything better.  I always disliked funerals because they never felt comforting, this was exactly that.  They could be themselves and laugh and joke and cry all together.  Nothing stuffy or formal but so perfectly them.  Later that evening the clan gathered for drinks and in a bar I have been in hundreds of times, in walked regulars but with a monkey in tow.  The ultimate distraction walked right through the door.  It made everyone laugh and smile and feel a little better because animals have a way of doing that.  The entire reason we keep pets is generally very selfish reasons, they make us feel good.  Even the date could not be more fitting.  she fought an entire extra day when by no means should her body have held on that long.  She passed away on Halloween. She loved children and worked with them with a passion, so for her day of remembrance to be on a childrens holiday could not be more fitting.
     The house is quiet again and I am pretty sure dad and son miss the noise already.  I still feel the energy, something has changed.  I know she is there.  This tough bear of a man gained a new connection with a family he had lost for so long.  This connection was so very much needed in his life. She will live on not just in their hearts but in that renewed connection as well.  I can not help but think she is smiling down here on that very thought.  Although I know she did not know it at the time, her passing birthed new life.  Family is precious and often taken for granted.  For those with strong family ties can not realize how lonely it is for those with out.  She brought two families back together again and I really believe that connection will remain.  There is a positive to all tragedy. I have seen it in my own life and now I see it in theirs.  It has been a privilege.