True Love

This is as simple as it gets.
     You will meet many people in your life and fall in love a hundred times.  You will count the reasons why you love them and write love letters and poems.  Then there will come a day when you meet some one who challenges you, frustrates you, and boggles your mind.  You will not write lovely things, or sing mushy songs and quite possible might want to strangle them a time or two!  When you are at a complete loss for words and can't put a name on it, can't find a card that fits it, and can't think of one good reason to run.  I believe, for many people, this is their perfect match.  This is your soul mate.

To be fair...

     I often hear friends complain about the wrongs others have done to them.  I also feel this way about certain people in my life.  Have you ever stopped to think about your role in the situation?  No one wants to accept responsibility for their own actions.  I have found with my self as well as others, that we put too much pressure on people to do what we want them to do, then feel betrayed when they do not meet our expectations.  One may expect a friend to be there for us in times of need and feel hurt when they are not.  Were they asked, were they aware there was trouble in your life?  If you are the type to be there for everyone else but have no one to turn to when you need help you have to ask yourself why?  I have found it is often because we are so used to putting on a smile and acting strong for all those people that they think we never have a bad day and assume we need nothing.  These are the friends I worry about most of all.  
     The same theory goes for lovers as well.  If you have fallen in love with someone who has not fallen in love with you, can you blame them for your pain?  I often see girls crying over men who barely know they exist!  This makes no sense, nor does it make sense to be jealous of the other women they are with if you have not made your feelings clear.  If you have made yourself clear and that man still chooses other women then you have your answer.  He does not want you in the same way you want him!  This is very cut and dry.  You have two choices in this situation, move on or wait. For those that think they can wait until that person realizes they have made a mistake and comes back to them, well it rarely happens.  For those that move on you can always go back if it was meant to be then it will be.  Allowing yourself to be played for a fool and pretending that other women are not in that mans life only leads to pain.  This is the type of pain you are responsible for.  If you choose to wait for someone who is clearly not waiting for you then you can not be angry with them when they are with other people!  I saw a great movie called He is Just Not That Into You.   I think everyone should see this movie in high school and take it to heart.  
     Everyone is responsible for their own feelings and actions.  No one else can make you feel a certain way with out your permission.  If you take control of your own mind and body then you will be a much better friend, lover, and family member to all those around you.  You are in control of you, from birth to death, you own your feelings, thoughts, actions, and emotions.  Take care of yourself and all the rest will fall into place.

     

Tradition

Monkey see monkey do.
     When I was very little I spent most summers at my cousin's house.  We played out side all day.  We generally only came in for lunch, dinner and the street lights.  His mom loved to do mom type things.  She would put on face mask and chase us around the house or claw at the door with her nails until we screamed with delight. Every birthday involved bobbing for apples and milk jug games. Every holiday had a theme.  I remember Halloween.
     Each  Halloween my cousin would have a Halloween party and my aunt was a fantastic host.  She made the bowls of mysterious things you had to stick your hand in.  She played scary music, had a big bowl of goblin punch and games to keep us busy.  Those are memories that I will never forget.  As we got older and his younger sister came to be we took over.  
     We made fantastic parties.  Of course we had to take it up a notch.  We rigged the basement with lights and noises so that the girls were sure it was haunted.  Sometimes it was so well done it made us jump.  His little sisters parties were the talk of the school and everyone loved them.  
     I did not get to do as much for my own daughter.  We did not live in a place were groups of children could come over.  I can only hope to teach her by throwing great parties for her children.  I know I will help some other cousins with their children's parties.  Great childrens parties and play dates are so important to the social structure at school.  I do not mean in a way that leads to popularity.  I hate cliques and popularity contest.  If a child is shy and does not know how to make friends it is the parents responsibility to step in.  Setting up play dates and parties for a shy child just helps them open up and feel like they fit in.  Once a child feels accepted they naturally blossom to become their own unique individual.  

Life is Art

We are all born artist, life gets in the way.

     Toddlers see the world around them as one giant canvas.  Have you ever watched a 2 year old create a castle with common household items.  Preschoolers make tents  from couch cushions and chairs.  Youngsters create forts from fallen limbs and trees.  Maybe you were caught drawing on a wall or table when you were little.  I created all these and more.  I have a fantastic imagination and use it everyday.  I still love to play pretend with the little ones in my family.  Some parents yell at their children when they play with their food.  I know I heard the phrase, "food is to eat, not to play with", most of my childhood.  I encouraged my daughter to make art with her mashed potatoes and peas.  She made great works of art with her dinner every night and rarely ate most of it.  She did not starve, but blossomed.  You can not stifle the artist in a child, yet our schools all around the country are doing just that.  Art is not needed.  They say it is an unnecessary expense.  
     The mind must wander, relax, and explore its creative side.  The greatest inventors have nothing if they do not have their imagination!  The laptop I am writing on, the chair I sit in, the car I drive, would not exist with out the arts.  How can we let this happen to our youth.  How can we remove something so basic as the right to dream.  Our society is already in so much trouble because of the way we force singular one sided learning down our childrens throats.  We no longer encourage self exploration, self play, exploratory learning. There are a few schools through out the country that encourage it such as Waldorf schools, or Democratic schools, but for the most part in school art programs are the only opportunity our children have.  
     So many children are lost when they go off to college.  For the first time in their lives they are asked to think for themselves, and it is a terrifying experience.  Our youth are lost and afraid that they will get it wrong because no one is telling them what to do or say or feel.  How awful is it that at 18 years of age we finally allow them to think, and then we are shocked when they fail.  
     I home schooled my daughter for a few years when she was little.  I was constantly and truly amazed and blown away with what she would come up with on her own.  When she was about 7 years old I gave her her first real project.  All I said was to pick an animal, research it and present it to me.  For days she would not let me in the office while she prepared.  I will admit I really thought she was playing around but I let it go because she was so full of excitement.  4 days later she sat me down in the living room with a full blown power point presentation on Panda bears!  I did not even know she new what power point was, and yet here was this tiny little 7 year old beaming with pride over what she had done all by herself!  I was ecstatic and blown away with the work she had put into it.  This is why I home schooled, for that moment, that look of pride.  All children should have that moment.  All children should be encouraged to think for themselves.  We are responsible for making sure they continue to get that opportunity.  Explore your city.  What kind of art programs are available to you. Do you even have any art gallerys, theaters, or workshops to explore?  Maybe you come from a big city where art is the norm, then help another country.  There are all kinds of programs always looking for donations for after school programs, youth groups and to send to 3rd world countries.  
     Take time to do something artistic every week.  Create a gourmet meal just for yourself, color in a childs coloring book, write a story,make a bird house.  The what does not matter nearly as much as the why.  Do it for your productivity, your creativity, and for your soul.  I promise you will feel so much better about everything in life if you take time to free your mind and play!

Look With Your Heart

     Live in the heart.  Such a simple little phrase.  It is human nature to think, analyze, review, and repeat. We often spend so much time thinking, dreaming, and worrying that we never rest.  To live in the heart is to just be. To find peace one must stop living in their head.  To find happiness one must follow their heart.  Following the heart has little to do with romantic love, although it has its place. When one follows their heart they follow their passion, their instinct, something that pulls them forward from the bottom of their soul.  I remember as a child I wanted to make movies.  The pull was so strong that it was painful.  The idea that something painful can be good for you is a foreign concept to many. To want something so much with no thought is as basic as it gets.  
     I look at it more as a need.  To survive we need food, water, and shelter from the elements.  To thrive we need something to live for.  Some live for family others for work and still more live for pleasure.  What ever your motivator the best way to achieve happiness in the pursuit of it is to take time to do absolutely nothing.  Americans are especially guilty of living in their heads.  They work themselves to death.  They over schedule their lives and their childrens lives.  We spend so much time trying to get every last drop out of life that we never enjoy the moment.  
     Other cultures take time to relax.  Some cultures indulge in long holidays.  Other cultures take long breaks every afternoon. It is in those moments that we discover ourselves and what makes us happy. Take time to just do nothing and sit quiet with your heart.  I specify heart because to sit quiet with your mind can be an exhausting experience.  There is a time and place for sitting with your thoughts as some brilliant ideas have been born of quiet reflection.  This exercise is about the pursuit of happiness not dreams. What makes you happy.  What makes you smile.  What makes your heart swell and your body tingle.  Is it a hobby, a passion, a person: what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning.  Is there something or someone that you feel one with.  Something so big yet so basic living without it would be like living without air.  I have a friend who is a writer.  Writing is like breathing for him.  He may not write a thing for 6 months, but then one day a story pours out of him and his friends and family will not see him for 6 weeks.  He can not stop it no more then he can stop breathing.  Another friend builds things and works much the same way.  When he begins a project from the moment he envisions it until the final nail is hit he can not stop.  
     They both spent the first half of their lives working 9-5 and going through the motions of life like so many others.  It was not until a tragedy fell upon them that they stopped and just listened to their hearts and let that be their guide.  Many refer to this as a midlife crisis, or a second life, what ever you call it if you are in it at this very moment then stop.  Take a moment to empty your mind, feel your heart, and truly listen to what it is telling you.  Who or what is pulling you down your new path.  Let your heart guide you to those who will support your new life and let go of those who expect you to do as you have always done.  

Internal Dialogue

Internal Dialogue

     People who talk to themselves are crazy.  I remember hearing that phrase quite often as a kid, and so in my young mind I was crazy.  I had a constant internal dialogue.  That young little girl made up stories and plays, songs and music, conversations that were one way as well as two!  It was not until college that I realized that everyone does this in some form or another.  My imagination may have been greater then most and my inability to quiet my own mind is still a struggle to this day.  I have tried yoga and meditation with some success, but there has been only a very select few things in this world that have truly brought me peace.  I remember an exercise I learned in school that I would go on to teach in support groups.  Talk to the empty chair.  The goal was to practice a major conversation on your self first.  The object was to play both sides so you could take ownership of your own responsibility  in the problem that existed.  The initial reaction was always the same.  " I can't do this". " I feel stupid". " "I can't predict what they will say".  To this I would respond, " you are already doing this very exercise everyday of your life.  We all have an internal dialogue. We predict what our partners, children, friends, family, and co-workers will say to us all the time!  People are usually very accurate in what the other person will say because whether we know it or not we pay attention to so much more then we realize on a day to day basis. 

     The really hard part of the exercise was self communication.  There was a particular support group I ran that had individuals with very battered self esteems.  Their internal dialogue was so negative they did not need any one else to tell them they were not good enough.  It was my goal to convince them that they were their own worst enemy.  I started by having them just write words on paper that popped into their head a lot.   The word "why" was universal.   Most of the women began  their internal conversations with why dozens of times a day.  They were searching for answers.  

     I told them to pick a positive saying and every time they heard themselves say "why " in their minds they had to repeat the saying.  It actually got to be a very fun exercise with the large age range that existed in this group.  One elderly woman who had lived through a lifetime of abuse often followed her why with " you don't deserve it", so when she wanted to buy something as simple as a nick knack or treat she would stop herself.  A young girl in the group, I believe she was about 19 told her to follow her why with "because I'm a hot mamma".  The next week at group this frail little woman with no confidence and so much fear, walked into the room beaming and looking 50 years younger.  We asked how her week was.  She said she has not stopped smiling all week long.  She had not laughed so much since she was a little girl.  I asked her what the big change was.  It turns out she would say "why" to just about every thing she did in life.  So all day long she had to keep repeating to herself, " because I'm a hot mamma"!  This phrase made such an impact on her that by the second week she had bought a dress, gone to a beauty parlor and even got her nails painted for the first time in literally decades!  This woman was 87 years old and living free and happy for the first time in 70 years!  I believe if she could make a life change and be happy just by changing her internal dialogue then truly any one can do this.  

     That group was 10 years ago and I just thought of her today when I noticed my own internal dialogue has taken quite a nosedive lately.  So in honor of this incredible spirit I will repeat her words for the next week. " I am a hot mamma"!

Alone in a Crowded Room

Alone In A Crowded Room

  

     I have a friend who feels alone.  She thinks there is something wrong with her.  She has done amazing things and helped hundreds of people.  She has traveled the globe in search of herself.  Every where she goes people love and adore her.  She makes them laugh and brightens their day.  So why does such an amazing person feel so bad?  The answer lies with in.  One can be in a crowed room of friends and family celebrating, laughing, and seemingly having a great time, but still feel all alone in the world.  Something is missing and she can travel to the end of the earth to find it, but "it" will not be there waiting for her.  What she has lost is herself.  I have not know this friend very long but I almost wonder if she ever really knew who she was to begin with.  Finding one's self is a very personal journey.  For some they are born knowing who they are from the start.  There are others that go to the grave still searching.  Most of us find ourselves some where in the middle of our lives.

     There are different types of loneliness. The loneliness she feels is from feeling nothing at all.  She can't understand how this can be.  It may where a thousand mask, but in its basic form it is simply depression.  Depression is not an awful thing.  There is no shame and no fear from a disease that has been around since the dawn of time.  Some people suffer it for a week, or a month , or a year.  Others live with it an entire lifetime.  That does not mean they do not live life.  That is a choice one must make.  You can let the disease own you or you can own your disease.  I have chosen the latter.   

It is my hope that i can offer her my friendship long enough to chose life as well.  Living life is a beautiful thing and too many people take a back seat.  They feel disconnected from everything around them.  What I have learned is that not everyday or week will be fantastic.  There are days or even weeks that I do not feel like I could possible smile.  I do for the sake of those around me, but it does not reach my eyes.  I am told my smile lights up my face.  I assume when I fake it that those who know me well can see that it is not real, but they rarely say anything.  I know now is not the time to help her as I can barely help myself right now.  I long to turn to someone for support but have spent too many years being the support system that I no longer have one of my own.  I go through the emotions each day and I watch her do the same.  I feel hollow and incredibly sad.  She looks the same.  I understand this will get better, I hope she does as well.  

     

I think I Will Take a Trip

Why...

     I think I will take a trip.  I want to take my daughter to NYC.  She has been there several times for American Girl bus trips sponsored by a local tea shop.  She has Seen Central Park and Macy's and all the normal sights.  She has never seen "my New York".

Why do we do that, as parents, we hide ourselves from our children.  I hear parents laugh at parties and say " if my kids only knew how cool I was".  Why don't they know.  I understand how it happens but I can not put my finger on the why.  These are not bad people or morally unsound.  Many are no different then they were in school and yet they put on this fake parental air when the kids are around.  Do they think it will make them seem more authoritative.  We as adults know we are all just floundering along in this parenthood thing, so why make it harder by putting undo pressure on yourself and pretend to be someone you are not.   When my daughter was young we were so carefree and happy together.  It did not mean that I was her friend or that I lost any power.  She listened to me and quite honestly I think she listened more back then! When we moved to the suburbs it was like some mist of conformity surrounded us.  She tried to be preppy and I tried to be a soccer mom.  It did not work out so well for either of us, and now we have lost 5 precious years of real bonding time.  

     I am putting an end to that.  I will not hide who I am for I am not ashamed of me.  I am not a corporate executive like my mom, and I am not a PTA "make the cookies mom" like my best friend.  I am me.  I like to write, take pictures, and explore new places.  It is who I am.  She still calls me her "lil hippie momma" but I have not seen me in a while.  It feels good to be back.  I feel a freedom washing over me as I except who I am is who I am meant to be.  In many life times I have traveled and yet my soul remains constant.  I am always this being.  I am home in this body and these thoughts are comforting.  

     This fall we will go to NYC and go to Saint Marks Place to see all the band shops, go to coffee shops and book stores and art galleries.  We will walk along Broadway at 2 in the morning when the town is really alive.  We will lay in the grass in Central Park on a Sunday morning when this massive bustling city is unimaginably quiet. We will paint clouds in the sky like when she was young, and talk about life.  

    I think I will take a trip... Back to my self...

Storms

Stormy Days

     I love storms.  Rainy days do not make me feel sad or depressed, quite the opposite.  Rainy days like today make me smile.  They give me a chance to relax, slow down, listen to old favorites and write a bit.  It is currently raining like mad and over the soothing sounds of Kathleen Edwards on my laptop I can hear thunder in the distance.  I can remember as a child of 7 or 8  I would hide under the kitchen table, talking to my cousin until a storm past.  Home alone and terrified the lights would go out, he would count with me on the phone as the time between the lightening and thunder grew closer together. I would close my eyes and squeeze them real tight so I would not eve see the flashes of lightening when it was right over us.  Then he would count with me again as the storm passed and the time grew farther apart.  He was never alone his mom or dad or sister was always there.  I guess it is easy to be brave when you have family.  
     As I got older the lights going out did not bother me anymore.  I actually preferred to read and write by candlelight.  It reminded me of a simpler time in life.  When storms passed I would open the windows and listen for the thunder and the fall of the rain.  I have the windows open now and it is a beautiful sound.