Alone in a Crowded Room

Alone In A Crowded Room

  

     I have a friend who feels alone.  She thinks there is something wrong with her.  She has done amazing things and helped hundreds of people.  She has traveled the globe in search of herself.  Every where she goes people love and adore her.  She makes them laugh and brightens their day.  So why does such an amazing person feel so bad?  The answer lies with in.  One can be in a crowed room of friends and family celebrating, laughing, and seemingly having a great time, but still feel all alone in the world.  Something is missing and she can travel to the end of the earth to find it, but "it" will not be there waiting for her.  What she has lost is herself.  I have not know this friend very long but I almost wonder if she ever really knew who she was to begin with.  Finding one's self is a very personal journey.  For some they are born knowing who they are from the start.  There are others that go to the grave still searching.  Most of us find ourselves some where in the middle of our lives.

     There are different types of loneliness. The loneliness she feels is from feeling nothing at all.  She can't understand how this can be.  It may where a thousand mask, but in its basic form it is simply depression.  Depression is not an awful thing.  There is no shame and no fear from a disease that has been around since the dawn of time.  Some people suffer it for a week, or a month , or a year.  Others live with it an entire lifetime.  That does not mean they do not live life.  That is a choice one must make.  You can let the disease own you or you can own your disease.  I have chosen the latter.   

It is my hope that i can offer her my friendship long enough to chose life as well.  Living life is a beautiful thing and too many people take a back seat.  They feel disconnected from everything around them.  What I have learned is that not everyday or week will be fantastic.  There are days or even weeks that I do not feel like I could possible smile.  I do for the sake of those around me, but it does not reach my eyes.  I am told my smile lights up my face.  I assume when I fake it that those who know me well can see that it is not real, but they rarely say anything.  I know now is not the time to help her as I can barely help myself right now.  I long to turn to someone for support but have spent too many years being the support system that I no longer have one of my own.  I go through the emotions each day and I watch her do the same.  I feel hollow and incredibly sad.  She looks the same.  I understand this will get better, I hope she does as well.