Do You Remember?

Do You Remember Who You Were Before the World Told You Who To Be?

     When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor.  At some point that turned into a marine biologist.  Both were great aspirations for a little girl in the 70's.  I loved helping people and animals.  There were no barriers or doubts.  I could be anything I wanted to be as a precocious 7 year old.  The world was open, the possibilities were endless. 

     At the end of 6th grade before we entered junior high we took a placement test and apparently my math skills were not that great.  I was placed in a lower math then all of my friends and this devastated me.  I did not want to go to junior high.  This awesome transition was now tainted by my supposed stupidity.  My family began placing limitations on my dreams.  I could be a nurse or a vet assistant.  My all time favorite was " it's ok you will marry well"! 

   What the hell!  Why was this done, why is this done to children all over our country every day!  If a school system sees a problem they should fix the problem not look for an easy way out! Back then ADD was not a thing.  I was on a first name basis with principle and guidance counselors due to my complete inability to stay in my seat or play practical jokes on other kids. My teachers could not read my written work because it was always jumbled and out of order, but I was allowed to answer the questions verbally and still pass.  I would not find out until college that I also had dyslexia.  

     In my teens I threw myself full force into dancing.  Choreographers did not care about my grades, just my ability to pirouette. I was not a great dancer!  I was good, but not great and I knew I never would be.  This began my transition into writing, theater and film.  In my mind this still did not require education.  I had given up on myself as soon as everyone else gave up on me.  The crazy part is the amount of knowledge it takes to put on a show or make a film is insane!  The math and science alone needed to make sets, shoot characters at every possible angle, understand the lighting, I could go on and on.  

     I went to college a bit later in life.  I took a few years off and worked for a film studio and wrote plays on the side.  When I applied to college it was kind of a joke.  I really did not think I had a chance in hell of getting in.  I applied to one college, not a small school by any means, and was accepted!  I was in shock and suddenly very scared of what would happen next.  My second week of school an amazing teacher pulled me aside after class and asked if I would go to the student assistance center for some testing.  I was not sure what he expected to find but I went.  My life has never been the same.  For the first time in my life someone validated me.  I was not stupid!  I was ecstatic! I made some very simple changes to the way I did things and 4 years later graduated with a 3.8 GPA.  I was hopeful and full of promise, I really could be a doctor!  I had moved onto and fell in love with psychology at that point and was going to become a psychiatrist.  Life of course had different plans, but I still want it and the difference is I know I could do it.  

     Do you have a child that struggles?  I beg you to take an interest, fight for your child!  Do not shoot down their hopes and dreams because a standardized test told you to.  Find a better way and do not stop until you find it.  To be a parent is to be so many things, but most of all it is to be an advocate for someone to young to fight their own battles yet.

My Refelction

     You slept while I worked. The sound of the music soothed you. Not Bach or Mozart, but rap and rock. I was a bartender when you were in my belly. I would come home late, very late with swollen feet and aching legs to tired to shower the night away. Like magic, just when I laid down to pass out from exhaustion you would awaken. Many might think this a bother or annoying but I was so glad to have that time with you. I could feel you stretch and move inside of me. It was funny and comforting. I would talk to you and tell you about my day or what kind of mom I hoped to be. I played with you by poking my stomach and seeing if you responded. More often then not you would move to that side like you were reaching for my hand. I loved you more then you will ever understand even before I saw your sweet face. 
      You are one and a constant joy. So much love, life and humor pour from your little body it overwhelms me somedays. I never knew how much I could love until I had you. My days start so very early and end very late. I am back in college and working full time. But I do it around your schedule so I can watch you grow. I want to be there for you every day. You are my motivation to be the best person I can be. You are my reason to smile, get good grades, work extra hard, and most importantly to learn to love and trust as I never knew how to before. Your little fingers wrapped mine, the way you look at me while we cuddle at nap time, as if nothing else matters but me and you. The silly faces you make just to make me laugh. I honestly believe this is your biggest joy in life, making me laugh. The harder I laugh the more you giggle and try for more. 
     3 years old you find me crying in the bathroom. You give me a hug and say " silly daddy had too many beers" 
      Five years old and tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten. You are so excited and scared, proud and nervous. Will the kids like you, is your uniform perfect, will the bus ride be scary? So many questions keeping my little girl awake. The morning comes and you look so grown up in your little uniform. The bus ride is scary, for me. I follow the bus to school and watch you walk inside. I Join other parents peeking in the cafeteria window to see that their little ones are ok as well. At the end of the day when I pick you up I am overcome with emotion as I watch you play quietly in the corner with your new friend. Life is perfect. 
       6 years old you find me crying in the kitchen amongst broken glass. I stop you from walking in so you do not cut your feet. You go put on my shoes, so big on your feet they make me smile. Again you hug me and say" its ok momma, daddy just had too many beers." 
      Nine years old and life is less then perfect. Daddy and I will not be living together anymore. We will not be living in our house anymore. We will be moving in with nana for a while. So many changes and so many rough times in the past 4 years. I can not hide the bad from you anymore. You are to smart and see through the lies. My heart breaks as you look to me for answers and for once I have none. I am exhausted from the fighting, the pretending, the pain. I just smile through my tears and tell you everything will be ok. I know that it will. I am a fighter, I may be down for this round, but I will get back up and we will be ok. 
      11 Years old and you have just started seeing daddy again for the first time in a year.
 12 years old and you are angry, so very angry. " why does daddy drink, why does he use drugs?" At the same time no one else can talk bad about your daddy. I try and explain addiction to a girl on the brink of her teen years. I try and explain why things are the way they are with out making daddy into a bad person. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I want to shout from the rooftops so many things. I want you to know how I worked two jobs your entire life while he squandered my money away. I want you to know you could not go back to the school where all your friends went because he spent your tuition money. I want you to know that we lost our home because he refused to get a job. I want you to know that we are still at nan's house because he does not pay a dime. Instead I smile and tell you he can not help it. He needs help and it will only work when he is ready to accept it. 
      15 and so grown up. You have gone trough so many changes. You are trying to find your way, trying on different personalities, goth, punk, sporty, preppy. I almost can't keep up and love every minute of it. Except I worry. I know it is because you feel like you don't belong. I know you feel lost and I don't know what to do. I can see I am losing you but I can't kiss this booboo and make it better. Your 10th grade year was and will hopefully be the toughest year of our lives. Anorexia, drinking, drugs. My reflection is staring back at me. I am looking at myself and wonder how is this possible? Is it hereditary?Everything you are going through, everything you are doing to your body, it was everything I did too. I cry myself to sleep many nights, just hoping we will make it through this. I pray to a God I do not know that I will not lose you. I dream endlessly of those little fingers wrapped around mine. I blame myself for not leaving daddy sooner. I never should have exposed you to that, I never should have allowed him in your life. I still don't know if that would have changed where we are right now. I don't want you to fall for a man that will hurt you. Your first boyfriend is just that guy. Just like daddy, he fools everyone until you run away from him and I know. It is an act he is not good and he needs to go.

     Glorious 16 and we take a trip to Vegas to see grandpa and your very cool aunt.  Your first flight, your first time out west, the brilliant lights and the wealth that surrounds us mystifys you.  We come back and get your permit and the first drive is frightening and real and amazing.  You are growing up so fast now and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I want so bad to cuddle you, hold you and tell you life has so many amazing times ahead.  I know this year has been very difficult but you will survive and your life will be wonderful.  

It is summer and you have a new friend.  I like her even though I don't show it.  You are happy and this makes me happy.  I still want to make the pain go away when I see it in your eyes, but for now I will stand back and be there if you need me.  I will always catch you when you fall to far, but sometimes you need a few bumps along the way.  This is how we grow.