Almost There

A Time to Rest.....

     Well it certainly has been an interesting week.  I can feel a change coming on, a peace returning, everything is ok.  Most of the gifts are bought, the house smells like cookies, and the fireplace is lit.  These things all make me happy.  It is amazing how pain can completely derail your life.  This past 10 days has probably been the worst one yet, probably brought on by stress.  I got very little done and was an emotional wreck.  I bit off the heads of just about everyone in my family, and made lots of apologies.  Now it is time to move on and enjoy the holidays.  Monday and Tuesday I will finish up shopping, do more baking and lots of wrapping.  It is currently 60 degrees out so I think a white Christmas is out of the question, but we had 2 pretty snowfalls so far.  Life is good here and I count my blessings everyday that I have the life I do. There are so many people out there who do not have a good life and I understand that even though I don't have much I have everything I need.  

Baby's Daddy's and Other Stuff

Remember When The Night Began At 10?

     I do not sleep much.  I can not sit at home, it drives me insane.  Do you remember when you were in your 20's and even 30's and never thought of going out before 10 pm on the weekend.  That concept works for us old heads as well.  Kids are home maybe asleep and a sitter can take over for a couple hours.  Unless of course that sitter is the childs father.  I had plans with 2 girlfriends tonight.  Ladies night downtown.  We don't go downtown often but when we do it is always a guaranteed good time.  As of 9 pm neither girl has heard from the father of their children - let me preface they are friends and probably out together right now.  This means that 2 hours of primping and pampering are now going to waste on what is sure to be a date with the good old boob tube tonight.  I feel bad for them as they only get out once a month or so where my child is older and I have more freedom.  I do remember the days, the fights, the baby daddy drama. With me it was not about going out, I was lucky enough to bartend in a hot spot on the weekends and we always partied after.  Friday and Saturday was mom's night out through the guise of work. I actually thought it was pretty clever.  However I really wanted to get my master's degree and my child's father blocked that every way possible.  He was already mad I had gone back to college and got my bachelor.  There was no way he was going to let me get my Masters.  Eventually I had to withdraw because he would say he was going to babysit and once again not show up.  I do love the fact that he actually referred to it as babysitting and I am pretty sure he wanted paid for watching his own child.  

     These ladies are in a similar situation and probably is why we bonded.  They are fantastic and strong single moms who chose the wrong guy.  There is actually a network made just for strong women who had children to the ultimate bad boy and then realized what that meant.  We had a toast we used to do " Young ladies in black stilettos, looking fierce tonight, your hair, your nails, the fake tan too, my you look fly for the hot single guys.  Here's to the bad boys you will do tonight, own it work it take him home , but wrap it up tight cuz in the morning he'll be gone."  I know seems corny now but in the club days we thought we were hot shit.  Tiny, toned, curvaceous, tanned and highlighted with nails bright red and teeth bright white.  We always traveled in packs and never paid a dime.  I believe this is where the show Jersey Shore came from.  

     The thing is we actually worked our asses off.  We worked hard, studied hard, played hard, and rested on Sundays.It does not seem like the kids in those shows actually work.  

     Well I am off to pick up my own child and call it a night.  By the way it is 9:47 on a Friday.

Decisions

Timing is Everything

     Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.  Sometimes you have to go with your gut.  My gut has never steered me wrong.  My head and my heart on the other hand have taken me down many a bad roads.  If it takes more then a day to make a decision then I have to believe the decision has already been made.  I may ponder over small stuff in life.  I may spend weeks thinking about a hair cut or a pair of shoes, but the big stuff I just know, I go with my gut.  When I decided to move away from home there was no planning or forethought, I packed my little ford escort up and headed south.  When I decided to finish my college degree I applied and enrolled right before the fall semester began.  I will spend years at the same job but leave with no warning but an official 2 weeks notice.  I just know when it is time to go.  

     The same holds true for sticking with something or trying something new.  I know when it is right for me, but that does not mean it is right for everyone involved.  Unfortunately there are times in life when you feel in your gut that something is right but you are only half the equation.   I may really like a job or career path that I am on but if I am not benefiting the company with my skills then no matter how happy I am I still may have to go. The same holds true for friendships.  Not all friendships are made to last.  Some are great for a short time and serve their purpose in the lives of those involved, but at some point people grow and change and need to separate.  If you are the one waiting for the decision to be made it can be very difficult.  I have found it to be true that if the other party is taking a long time to say if they want to stay or go, they have already gone.  You may never know why.  With a job you can ask for explanation but I myself have saved an employees feelings by sugar coating the firing.  It is more difficult with friends, and most difficult in relationships.  People generally do not want to hurt people so they cover up the truth with niceties. 

     People leave for all kinds of reasons.  All I can say is take solace in the fact that it is rarely as personal as it seems.  Our lives our shaped my thousands of experiences and sometimes we just don't fit the mold of what the other person wants. Don't wait around to be punished.  If someone wants you in their life they will unmistakably let you know.  They won't want you to walk out the door.  If they don't care then you will know that too, in your gut.  They will have no problem watching you leave.  Hold your head high and know that there will come a day when that job, or friend, or lover will fit perfectly with all your experiences and will not want to let you go.

Until then live with no regrets, don't be afraid to take chances, and walk away with your head held high to the next adventure in life.  We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.

How to fight 101

No Fighting No Biting

     When I was a kid that book was read to my cousin and myself a million times.  This was mainly to help my aunt keep her sanity as we were always bickering over something.  Fighting is an essential part of child hood development.  Children need to learn to stick up for themselves.  There are too many adults these days that have no idea how to properly fight.  I can have a knock down full blown match with my family and friends and still sit down to dinner an hour later.  I can have a much more subdued brawl with my boss or co-workers and still remain friends.  A fight is just a way of letting out frustrations and everyone needs to do that now and then.  The people who do not know how to fight freak me out a little bit.  It feels like your entire world with them is superficial, like walking on egg shells, and never knowing if everything is ok.  

     There are a few people in my life that I let slide.  Some are going through things, others are criers ( you simply can not have a fight with a crier).  My mother is one of them these days.  This is the same woman who chased me around the house with inanimate objects flying in my direction because I was to fast to catch, the wonders of old age. I am not by any means advocating fighting, but if you can not fight and make up then you can not be real.  The reality of life is not always pretty, sometimes it is downright ugly.  You have to put on your big kid clothes pick yourself up and move on.  

     I openly admitted to my bad behavior this week for the world to see.  I absolutely admit I overreact to some things in life. My daughter thinks I am nuts because for years I thought she would get kidnapped walking  a mile to the store, now I worry about her going out for a run.  But seriously folks I have been mugged 4 times in life!  Yes I know I have really bad luck but have a knife to your throat or a gun to your head enough times and you see the world a little different. I had a roommate develop paranoid schizophrenia and although we were trying to help he still tried to kill me and another roommate.  Life is full of challenges and you have to get past them.  I have overcome 9 major crisis in my life and give myself a hell of a pat on the back.  I got my boxing gloves on and I face the world each day with a smile.  Now and then I have a melt down and truly believe everyone deserves one.  If your family and friends can not get through it with you then they are not really your support system.  

     The key to fighting is remember the rules....

1.  Rule 1 - Absolutely no physical contact over the age of 12,  children hit big kids do not.

2.  Rule 2 - Take nothing personally even when it is. People get ugly when they are hurt or mad and say things they do not really mean.  They might feel it but you don't say some things out loud for a reason.

3.  Rule 3 - Follow that same rule and don't drag mud in the house.  Fight about the problem at hand not what happened last week or last month.

4.  Rule 4 - Never leave an argument with out settling it. Do not go away or go to bed mad.  It will only fester and become bigger then it is.

     Follow these simple rules and have a go at it.