My entire life I have done things backwards. I live in a constant state of reverse. My thoughts race to the finish line before my body can catch up or my mouth can form words. This has been a source of frustration for everyone around me and a setback in every thing I do. Just once in my life I would like to do things right. I am making a conscious effort from this day forward to slow down. I will think before I speak. I will look before I leap. I will prepare before I present. I will organize my life. These words will be my daily mantra.
Now of course this is easier said then done! Even now as I sit here typing this my thoughts are 3 pages ahead. I believe clutter is a sign of ones mental health and if that is the case I have some cleaning to do! This week I will focus on clearing my desk, cleaning out my home, and letting go of the past. The box of letters from Junior high was fun to share with my daughter but they have served their purpose and now must go. The even bigger box of cards from years of birthdays reminds me I am loved but do I need reminding? My time is better served living with these loved ones in the here and now and making new memories. Newpapers, magaizines, and junk mail - you must go! The years of school collages are over and your presence is no longer needed.
Next will be the people in my life. Many are good wonderful people and I have not treasured them enough in the past several years. To you I promise to spend more quality time reconnecting and valuing our friendships. There are others that only bring me down, and I am OK with saying goodbye. Life is too short to live with the drama of your lives when no matter how often you know what to do to make it better but choose not to. I will wish you well and send positive wishes out into the universe for you. I hope you will find happiness one day.
When I have started working on these goals I will start on my final goal. I have never experienced a true and loving healthy relationship. I will work on allowing people into my life that I could spend time with for me. I have purposely blocked men from my life to avoid dating. I turn every guy into a "friend". I do not know how to be in a relationship. I promise myself to date and have fun and most importantly I will learn what a relationship is. I want a man in my life to be a friend and a lover. I do not want to me smothered but I do want to be desired and appreciated. I do not need a rich man but I do want an equal. I want to have someone to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on, to share a laugh with, and yes to open a jar! I want someone I can be "me" with. I want to be silly and goofy and go out as a couple. I want to stop being the strong independent single mom "aka the third wheel". Yes I want a man in my life and I am not ashamed to admit it! I need a good man in my life! To many of us have come to believe this garbage we speak. I do not need any one I am a woman and I can do it all. I am a single mom and I am super woman. I can be both a mother and a father, I can move heavy objects, and cut the grass and change my tires. Yes it is true I really can do these things but I don't want to do them alone anymore!
All of these thought will become actions. I am sending them out to the universe and I believe they will come true....
Repetition - the act of repeating...
Every one lives by repetition. I do not care who you are or where you live or what you do for a living; at some point on a day to day basis you repeat yesterday. Some people need this constant in their lives to survive. They get up at the same time and do the same thing everyday. For others this lifestyle is a death sentence, literally it will drive them insane with boredom. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle. As for me, I need to know that I have the option of doing some things every day. I go to the gym. I read something about current events. I check my emails. This is about the point in the morning when I say " what now"? I am lucky to have a job that is ever changing. Every day is a little different.. Still it is not enough and I crave more. I need more. I often feel like i am going to go insane if I just don't get in my car and go "anywhere"! When I was young I would do just that. I would often pick up and go to other locations for a couple days, months, even years. I can not do that now as my teen daughter would probably be a little upset if I disappeared. She has told me many times that we can just pick up and go somewhere else. The girl in me says "yes lets do this"! the mom in me says " what are you doing you idiot?" We both would love to live on the west coast for a while, but I can't just pick up and drive there with no plan. That was easy to do when I only had to worry about me, but at the very least my daughter should have food and a good education. She says I have no spirit. I am not cool or fun anymore. She is unfortunately very very right. I am dying inside day by day. I need to do things. I need to travel. I need to see other places and meet other people. She will understand one day that some things are more important. In 4 years she will be off to college and I will travel again. For now I have to let her think this is what is right. If I had raised her the way I wanted and not what every one said was right she would be a very different girl right now. We would have traveled the world together and had many adventures. I could have taught or counseled or saved the planet in a dozen different countries. I think how cool it would have been for her to be raised that way and to know her mom's true spirit. Sometimes we let life and others opinions get in the way. I hope if I have taught her one thing in life, it is that you should value your own opinion the most. She does remember the home school years. Just last night she was reminiscing about when we would just pick up and go for the day to all kinds of places. I would find something educational in each city and we would use it for all subjects. I hope we will have times like that again one day. She can come visit me on her school breaks where ever I may be. I will write her real letters and mail them if mail still exist. She will once again know the art of travel and exploration. She will once again learn to appreciate other cultures and societies. This will serve her well in her career. Yes for now my life is on repeat, but nothing is constant and change is inevitable.
Eye Contact
Someone said you drank to much
Someone said you danced in the streets
Someone said they new you
Someone cried your name
I walked past you more often then not
a "to go" gal
a smile and a nod
Not tonight
Tonight I knew
That is what bothers me most
As a little girl I would tell what my family called tall tales. I told of exaggerated dreams they said. A wild imagination on that one! Only Grandma Jenny understood. Yes I would go take a nap like a good little girl, but I did not sleep! I could tell them what they talked about, what they ate and what they drank, but never left the room. Grandma Jenny knew.
I looked in your eyes tonight and froze with fear. Why did't I stop you, I knew.
I could see death on you, like I could see the sun rise it was everywhere.
I could not smile and nod, I could not move.
It was as strong as the night Grandma Jenny was having a heart attack. I knew from hundreds of miles away. I begged my family to call her , drive there, go save her, because I could not.
I knew the gun would come and my time would not end years before it happened I saw him, I saw me.
I knew dear cousin you tried to tell me to leave even though I stayed, I knew, you knew, he was bad news.
I see so much good everywhere
The trees breathe, the leaves are alive
I see so many people with good intentions
I like to know
I like to see
I saved Grandma Jenny
I stopped many going down a bad path
Why was this time different
It was like you knew
I hope your next life is easier...
I watch history repeat itself.
The elders in the family are now grandparents and great grandparents. My generation has all started families. Our children are now reflections of ourselves. The past year I have sat back and watched with complete and utter fascination the transformation that has taken place.
Every family is its own little branch, no not even a branch but a tree. They carry traits of the seeds that bore them, but due to time and circumstance they have become very different then the family they came from. Every family has a major trauma at some point in its existence, ours was Derek.
Derek and I were born two months apart. I was the older and certainly wiser one. He was the strong daredevil type. I was his conscience and he was my freedom. We spent nearly every weekend and most of all summers together for the first 12 years of our lives. We climbed trees, made forts, rode bikes, and conquered the world. We made plans at that young age for our future families. We would buy houses next to each other and raise our children together. For we did not realize that not all cousins were this close. This was just our life and it was perfect. Even when we got in trouble for the 100 things we did wrong each week, we still banned together and stuck to our stories. There was no one that could break us apart. His guy friends accepted I would always be around. My girlfriends did the same.
The winter before his 12th birthday Derek got a cold. He had a thing for getting perfect attendance every year since he was little so taking a sick day was not an option for him. For the life of me I could not figure out why. He played football and baseball and sang in the choir with a beautiful voice. That year was a little different. He never seemed his old self. The cold kept getting worse. I don't remember all the details of that winter. I do remember the word that no one would say.
CANCER... No one actually used the word cancer. They called it Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. They called it 90% curable. They called it a bump in the road. The Doctors said every thing would be fine. They did not want to stunt his growth or affect his sports. They would do a nice mild treatment and he would be all better. This did not sound that bad.
The next ten years were a blur of doctors and specialist. Remissions and celebrations as well as the return of this dreaded illness and tears. We all continued to grow up, but not so innocent anymore. people were angry and hurt and frustrated. His older sister felt abandoned and his younger sister never new an easy life. This would forever reshape the personalities of my two cousins and change their relationship for ever.
Derek got to graduate from high school and walk to get his diploma - that was an incredibly hard task but a moment to be celebrated. His friends took him to senior week and again helped him to feel like a normal teenager. The next thing that stands out most in my mind is The Phone Call.
I was at Temple University and it was the weekend before finals. It is time to come home. It won't be much longer. I have never again drove with such a purpose. I begged God to take me on the way home. If he needed someone in heaven then take me. In reality my life did not mean that much. Derek was the angel. He was the gift that never gave up, never stopped smiling. Derek made sure every one else was ok when he was sick. He comforted his mom and dad and sisters, reassuring them he was fine even when he was dying. I got to the hospital at 1 AM. I held his hand and he opened his eyes and smiled. It was the smile that told me we were in this together through thick and thin. I sat down on the bathroom floor by his bed, I wanted him to see me whenever he opened his eyes. I attempted to study through the tears flowing quietly down my cheeks, falling onto my papers and causing the ink to bleed. I don't remember when morning came, but people began to flow in. His breathing was slowing and he no longer opened his eyes. I really do not remember what time it was. We all stood around his bed and held hands. Silence had enveloped the room and I could hear every shallow breath. His big sister finally found a voice and said very simple"it's ok Deekie you can go now" and he did.
That moment would change everyone for ever. It had to be said. He needed permission to stop fighting. He needed to know we were ok. His big sister would bear that cross for the rest of her life.
Time passed and the true devastation from that moment would not be felt for years. I look back now in wonder at how much it changed an entire family tree. His mother never recovered. His father became hard and angry which was complete opposite of his nature. His big sister raised her children with such strict guidelines and I do not know if she even knew why. She watched them like a hawk always afraid of losing them everyday.
His little sister met fell in love and married a man that bore so many similarities to Derek it was frightening. I believe in my heart they were meant to meet. It was not long after they were married that he himself was diagnosed with the big C. Had it not been for her fear they may not have pushed so hard for the best doctors and experimental treatments that were brutal to the body. He ended up losing an arm, but he gained a life and is in remission to this day. His spirit is so similar. He never gave up. He learned to use that one arm for everything. I treasure with all my heart watching him change his baby daughters diapers. This was Derek's spirit shining through.
What I love most is seeing the spirit of Derek in his sisters children. As protected as they were raised and as damaged as the spirits of their mothers are, these kids are free. They are smart and funny and wild. From the youngest who is 5 to the oldest who now has her own little one. Every last one of them has proven that a spirit lives on. Some things can not be taken from a family, only side lined for a bit.
As for myself I took comfort in helping others. That was his true spirit and I carry that on. I became an EMT the summer he passed away. I graduated from college and became a crisis counselor for abused women and children. I played with and gave his spirit to as many of the children in our family as I could. I was the queen of playing pretend. I wanted them to know that no matter what happened in life, their imagination would always protect them and guide them. It has served them well. I see that spirit most in my own daughter. I raised her just as Derek and I had planned when were were so small. We built forts, played in mud and never ever stopped pretending. She looks out for the underdog, and even when she is not feeling on top of the world she still shines with a light that can never be put out. The family tree is ever growing and changing. There were highs and lows before this century and there will be more. I still watch with fascination at how every generations personality has molded and shaped the next. I enjoy seeing the youngest of our young, a boys boy if there was one, I can not wait to see him grow. I am watching history repeat itself, but this time it will go on as it should...
