The Unquiet Mind

     My mind never stops.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I can multi task and accomplish amazing things when I am on point.  I can not finish a single task when I am not.  I will start 20 different things and not see a single one to the end on these days.  Sleeping is ridiculously difficult.  Sometimes it seems hard to breathe.  I am not having a panic attack, or losing my mind.  I just simply can not ever stop.  I mean really just "stop"! I want to sit down, to relax, to breathe.  I want to watch a movie all the way through or get my nails done without feeling like I am wasting so much time.  I need my own space, my surroundings, my life back! 

     I am in a transition.  That is what it is referred to by family.  I feel trapped, out of sorts, lost.  It is difficult enough to have an unquiet mind.  To live in surroundings that do not belong to you, that do not calm you, that are a reflection of everything that you are not, is complete torture.  Yet, I am grateful for my host.  I am grateful for the time I needed to make this transition.  I have been on my own for 20 years and much of that time my homes have been calming, neutral, almost hippie or bohemian in its designs. My current home is straight out of Home and Gardens Magazine.  Beautiful in every way.  It is classic suburban very white with a nice front porch, large trees and open, airy. It  even has an indoor water fountain hand made by a local engineer/artist. There is nothing wrong with this home for most of America.  Many would call it perfect.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat. I can't stop.

     My host is turned off by the smell of food cooking in the kitchen, the sounds of soft music playing throughout the house, the smell of incense, and blankets and pillows left out on a couch where one might want to sit and read a book each day.  Everything must look perfect.  I can not fault her.  This is her devil.  She must have complete order to feel in control.  This is her burden to bear.  We are opposite as night and day. 

     There have been people in my life that could quiet my mind.  My roommate in college.  We had several apartments together and I always felt calm around her.  My daughter, who is so very similar to me it is frightening,  This home hurts her soul as well.  That bothers me more then anything. A co worker at my part time job, when not being utterly annoying can calm my mind just by his presence.  A man I dated last year could calm me with a simple hug, or even a look across the room.  Actually to this day, since we rarely speak anymore, his eye contact can still make me stop. For a brief moment when I see his eyes, I can breathe.  I wish this to happen with the current gentleman I am seeing.  I fear it will not.  He is so very good but I do not know if I will ever be able to relax.  I don't know if he can calm me. 

     I do know I must move.  I need my own space, my own hide away, my own surroundings.  I need to be able to stop, breathe, sleep, cook, and reflect on my day.  This blog is disjointed, jumpy, and unclear.  This is my mind today.

Do You Remember?

Do You Remember Who You Were Before the World Told You Who To Be?

     When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor.  At some point that turned into a marine biologist.  Both were great aspirations for a little girl in the 70's.  I loved helping people and animals.  There were no barriers or doubts.  I could be anything I wanted to be as a precocious 7 year old.  The world was open, the possibilities were endless. 

     At the end of 6th grade before we entered junior high we took a placement test and apparently my math skills were not that great.  I was placed in a lower math then all of my friends and this devastated me.  I did not want to go to junior high.  This awesome transition was now tainted by my supposed stupidity.  My family began placing limitations on my dreams.  I could be a nurse or a vet assistant.  My all time favorite was " it's ok you will marry well"! 

   What the hell!  Why was this done, why is this done to children all over our country every day!  If a school system sees a problem they should fix the problem not look for an easy way out! Back then ADD was not a thing.  I was on a first name basis with principle and guidance counselors due to my complete inability to stay in my seat or play practical jokes on other kids. My teachers could not read my written work because it was always jumbled and out of order, but I was allowed to answer the questions verbally and still pass.  I would not find out until college that I also had dyslexia.  

     In my teens I threw myself full force into dancing.  Choreographers did not care about my grades, just my ability to pirouette. I was not a great dancer!  I was good, but not great and I knew I never would be.  This began my transition into writing, theater and film.  In my mind this still did not require education.  I had given up on myself as soon as everyone else gave up on me.  The crazy part is the amount of knowledge it takes to put on a show or make a film is insane!  The math and science alone needed to make sets, shoot characters at every possible angle, understand the lighting, I could go on and on.  

     I went to college a bit later in life.  I took a few years off and worked for a film studio and wrote plays on the side.  When I applied to college it was kind of a joke.  I really did not think I had a chance in hell of getting in.  I applied to one college, not a small school by any means, and was accepted!  I was in shock and suddenly very scared of what would happen next.  My second week of school an amazing teacher pulled me aside after class and asked if I would go to the student assistance center for some testing.  I was not sure what he expected to find but I went.  My life has never been the same.  For the first time in my life someone validated me.  I was not stupid!  I was ecstatic! I made some very simple changes to the way I did things and 4 years later graduated with a 3.8 GPA.  I was hopeful and full of promise, I really could be a doctor!  I had moved onto and fell in love with psychology at that point and was going to become a psychiatrist.  Life of course had different plans, but I still want it and the difference is I know I could do it.  

     Do you have a child that struggles?  I beg you to take an interest, fight for your child!  Do not shoot down their hopes and dreams because a standardized test told you to.  Find a better way and do not stop until you find it.  To be a parent is to be so many things, but most of all it is to be an advocate for someone to young to fight their own battles yet.