Almost There

A Time to Rest.....

     Well it certainly has been an interesting week.  I can feel a change coming on, a peace returning, everything is ok.  Most of the gifts are bought, the house smells like cookies, and the fireplace is lit.  These things all make me happy.  It is amazing how pain can completely derail your life.  This past 10 days has probably been the worst one yet, probably brought on by stress.  I got very little done and was an emotional wreck.  I bit off the heads of just about everyone in my family, and made lots of apologies.  Now it is time to move on and enjoy the holidays.  Monday and Tuesday I will finish up shopping, do more baking and lots of wrapping.  It is currently 60 degrees out so I think a white Christmas is out of the question, but we had 2 pretty snowfalls so far.  Life is good here and I count my blessings everyday that I have the life I do. There are so many people out there who do not have a good life and I understand that even though I don't have much I have everything I need.  

Stop Yer Bitchin.....

Not to offend you but....

     Excuse my bitch session.  I am so tired of hearing about the insurance debate.  I have a Facebook acquaintance that post his opinion on our President and the health care plans several times a day. He has insurance.  I have several friends who hold the same opinion.  They have insurance.  I have many friends who bitch and moan about their aches, pains, colds, and general well being.  They have insurance.  Most of them do not go to the doctors, act 20 years older then their age, have easily fixable medical conditions, and prefer instead to gripe and moan like a bunch of crotchety old folks in a nursing home.  I actually think they act worse some days.  

     Do they realize what those of us stuck in the middle would do for health insurance?  The million Americans that make to much for medical assistance, but don't make enough to pay for private health insurance. Our jobs do not offer health insurance and believe it or not that extra 3-5 hundred a month for a private plan would literally do us in.  

     I am a chronic pain sufferer.  I live with it everyday of my life.  I last slept through the night 6 days ago.  I am about to lose my mind from exhaustion.  I can do nothing about it.  I go about each day with a smile on my face and pretend I am fine because there is no other option.  I come up with home remedies that make the pain tolerable.  Right now it has been between a 7-9 for days and to avoid thinking about it I work extra shifts just to keep moving.  I would be so grateful to have affordable healthcare.  I am not looking for a handout.  I am not looking for freebies.  I just want a plan that will still allow me to put food on the table.  To have the option of going to the doctor and find out for sure what is wrong instead of just guessing and trying home remedies would be the best feeling in the world.  I do not think those of you who have always had insurance can even imagine what it is like to not see a doctor for 20 years.  Those of you who get strep throat or an ear infection and just go get a pill, you can not imagine battling it for 3-5 weeks until your body fights it off.  Those of you with a toothache and go see a dentist can't imagine suffering for a year until the tooth falls out.  Those of you who get a headache from your eyes and go get a pair of glasses, many just suffer and use a lot of eye drops.

     The battle for affordable healthcare is just beginning.  The problem is not with us or the doctors, or the insurance companies.  It is with the suppliers who charge thousands of dollars for cotton balls, that of course is an exaggeration.  However in other countries where universal healthcare does work there will never be a pill that cost $120.00 a piece. I do not care how we make it work but it needs to work.  We need to have affordable healthcare in this country.  For those of you silently cursing me right now, I bet you have insurance.

Just sayin.....

Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.