The Unquiet Mind

     My mind never stops.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I can multi task and accomplish amazing things when I am on point.  I can not finish a single task when I am not.  I will start 20 different things and not see a single one to the end on these days.  Sleeping is ridiculously difficult.  Sometimes it seems hard to breathe.  I am not having a panic attack, or losing my mind.  I just simply can not ever stop.  I mean really just "stop"! I want to sit down, to relax, to breathe.  I want to watch a movie all the way through or get my nails done without feeling like I am wasting so much time.  I need my own space, my surroundings, my life back! 

     I am in a transition.  That is what it is referred to by family.  I feel trapped, out of sorts, lost.  It is difficult enough to have an unquiet mind.  To live in surroundings that do not belong to you, that do not calm you, that are a reflection of everything that you are not, is complete torture.  Yet, I am grateful for my host.  I am grateful for the time I needed to make this transition.  I have been on my own for 20 years and much of that time my homes have been calming, neutral, almost hippie or bohemian in its designs. My current home is straight out of Home and Gardens Magazine.  Beautiful in every way.  It is classic suburban very white with a nice front porch, large trees and open, airy. It  even has an indoor water fountain hand made by a local engineer/artist. There is nothing wrong with this home for most of America.  Many would call it perfect.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat. I can't stop.

     My host is turned off by the smell of food cooking in the kitchen, the sounds of soft music playing throughout the house, the smell of incense, and blankets and pillows left out on a couch where one might want to sit and read a book each day.  Everything must look perfect.  I can not fault her.  This is her devil.  She must have complete order to feel in control.  This is her burden to bear.  We are opposite as night and day. 

     There have been people in my life that could quiet my mind.  My roommate in college.  We had several apartments together and I always felt calm around her.  My daughter, who is so very similar to me it is frightening,  This home hurts her soul as well.  That bothers me more then anything. A co worker at my part time job, when not being utterly annoying can calm my mind just by his presence.  A man I dated last year could calm me with a simple hug, or even a look across the room.  Actually to this day, since we rarely speak anymore, his eye contact can still make me stop. For a brief moment when I see his eyes, I can breathe.  I wish this to happen with the current gentleman I am seeing.  I fear it will not.  He is so very good but I do not know if I will ever be able to relax.  I don't know if he can calm me. 

     I do know I must move.  I need my own space, my own hide away, my own surroundings.  I need to be able to stop, breathe, sleep, cook, and reflect on my day.  This blog is disjointed, jumpy, and unclear.  This is my mind today.

My Refelction

     You slept while I worked. The sound of the music soothed you. Not Bach or Mozart, but rap and rock. I was a bartender when you were in my belly. I would come home late, very late with swollen feet and aching legs to tired to shower the night away. Like magic, just when I laid down to pass out from exhaustion you would awaken. Many might think this a bother or annoying but I was so glad to have that time with you. I could feel you stretch and move inside of me. It was funny and comforting. I would talk to you and tell you about my day or what kind of mom I hoped to be. I played with you by poking my stomach and seeing if you responded. More often then not you would move to that side like you were reaching for my hand. I loved you more then you will ever understand even before I saw your sweet face. 
      You are one and a constant joy. So much love, life and humor pour from your little body it overwhelms me somedays. I never knew how much I could love until I had you. My days start so very early and end very late. I am back in college and working full time. But I do it around your schedule so I can watch you grow. I want to be there for you every day. You are my motivation to be the best person I can be. You are my reason to smile, get good grades, work extra hard, and most importantly to learn to love and trust as I never knew how to before. Your little fingers wrapped mine, the way you look at me while we cuddle at nap time, as if nothing else matters but me and you. The silly faces you make just to make me laugh. I honestly believe this is your biggest joy in life, making me laugh. The harder I laugh the more you giggle and try for more. 
     3 years old you find me crying in the bathroom. You give me a hug and say " silly daddy had too many beers" 
      Five years old and tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten. You are so excited and scared, proud and nervous. Will the kids like you, is your uniform perfect, will the bus ride be scary? So many questions keeping my little girl awake. The morning comes and you look so grown up in your little uniform. The bus ride is scary, for me. I follow the bus to school and watch you walk inside. I Join other parents peeking in the cafeteria window to see that their little ones are ok as well. At the end of the day when I pick you up I am overcome with emotion as I watch you play quietly in the corner with your new friend. Life is perfect. 
       6 years old you find me crying in the kitchen amongst broken glass. I stop you from walking in so you do not cut your feet. You go put on my shoes, so big on your feet they make me smile. Again you hug me and say" its ok momma, daddy just had too many beers." 
      Nine years old and life is less then perfect. Daddy and I will not be living together anymore. We will not be living in our house anymore. We will be moving in with nana for a while. So many changes and so many rough times in the past 4 years. I can not hide the bad from you anymore. You are to smart and see through the lies. My heart breaks as you look to me for answers and for once I have none. I am exhausted from the fighting, the pretending, the pain. I just smile through my tears and tell you everything will be ok. I know that it will. I am a fighter, I may be down for this round, but I will get back up and we will be ok. 
      11 Years old and you have just started seeing daddy again for the first time in a year.
 12 years old and you are angry, so very angry. " why does daddy drink, why does he use drugs?" At the same time no one else can talk bad about your daddy. I try and explain addiction to a girl on the brink of her teen years. I try and explain why things are the way they are with out making daddy into a bad person. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I want to shout from the rooftops so many things. I want you to know how I worked two jobs your entire life while he squandered my money away. I want you to know you could not go back to the school where all your friends went because he spent your tuition money. I want you to know that we lost our home because he refused to get a job. I want you to know that we are still at nan's house because he does not pay a dime. Instead I smile and tell you he can not help it. He needs help and it will only work when he is ready to accept it. 
      15 and so grown up. You have gone trough so many changes. You are trying to find your way, trying on different personalities, goth, punk, sporty, preppy. I almost can't keep up and love every minute of it. Except I worry. I know it is because you feel like you don't belong. I know you feel lost and I don't know what to do. I can see I am losing you but I can't kiss this booboo and make it better. Your 10th grade year was and will hopefully be the toughest year of our lives. Anorexia, drinking, drugs. My reflection is staring back at me. I am looking at myself and wonder how is this possible? Is it hereditary?Everything you are going through, everything you are doing to your body, it was everything I did too. I cry myself to sleep many nights, just hoping we will make it through this. I pray to a God I do not know that I will not lose you. I dream endlessly of those little fingers wrapped around mine. I blame myself for not leaving daddy sooner. I never should have exposed you to that, I never should have allowed him in your life. I still don't know if that would have changed where we are right now. I don't want you to fall for a man that will hurt you. Your first boyfriend is just that guy. Just like daddy, he fools everyone until you run away from him and I know. It is an act he is not good and he needs to go.

     Glorious 16 and we take a trip to Vegas to see grandpa and your very cool aunt.  Your first flight, your first time out west, the brilliant lights and the wealth that surrounds us mystifys you.  We come back and get your permit and the first drive is frightening and real and amazing.  You are growing up so fast now and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I want so bad to cuddle you, hold you and tell you life has so many amazing times ahead.  I know this year has been very difficult but you will survive and your life will be wonderful.  

It is summer and you have a new friend.  I like her even though I don't show it.  You are happy and this makes me happy.  I still want to make the pain go away when I see it in your eyes, but for now I will stand back and be there if you need me.  I will always catch you when you fall to far, but sometimes you need a few bumps along the way.  This is how we grow.