New Years Resolutions and Other Lessons

My Resolution is Simply to Live in the Present...

     I do not make New Years resolutions.  I feel like they are a set up for failure even for the strongest of my friends.  Every year in January my gym is flooded with newbies who have made a resolution to get fit.  Not that I am against it, I think its great! I just change up the time I go so I can avoid the temporary crowd.  What bugs me is by February It's like they were never there at all!  Same old faces as before the holidays and we chat and sweat and get through the cold early mornings together.  I think if you are going to resolve to do something then you should commit yourself to it 100%.  I also think any resolution fueled by a night of drinking is probably a bad idea!  

     This year I want to try a small resolution mainly due to my new found freedom from myself.  I have kept a fortress around myself for 40 years and lived really well.  This year for the first time ever I let the wall come down and at the ripe old age of 42 I am getting through my very first broken heart.  It is almost comical that all the things I heard girls say all my life I am feeling for the first time.  It is a very liberating experience, and truly amazing because as an adult I can do something the younger me could not have.  I can take responsibility.   I allowed my past to mess with my present and I have no one to blame but me.  So in honor of the new year I simply resolve to live in the present, be my true self, love deeply, and love often.  Life is to short to live a false life.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

OH DEAR LORD!!!!

So a friend says to me.....

     Right now I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. A new but increasingly good friend says to me, " it will get better".  I have to believe her because she is in the middle of a divorce and has not died yet.  I jokingly told her I was going to join the online matchmaking sites like another friend of ours and just start dating everyone.  I could also try actually saying yes to the dates I get asked out on. So I head to what is sure to be a completely dead open house due to the weather and jump on my laptop.  I pick 2 easy sites and sign up so I can look at the pics and profiles.  After an hour of looking I text her and say "soooo how about happy hour"? I did see one gentleman I found seriously cute but really no one else caught my eye.  We make a pact to jump into the dating scene together. We will pick one night and a different spot each week to go out with the soul purpose of dating in mind.  If nothing else we will have fun making fools of ourselves because she is a nut by nature.  I will do a " It's 5:00 Somewhere"  update each week to let you know how it goes.  It may even get its own page if dating is anything like it used to be!

All I Want For Christmas

It is not about the money.....

     This year has been a time for change.  I have a new office, new friends, brand new babies in the family, and a fresh start to my life.  The past few weeks have been hectic.  Usually by now I have all my Christmas shopping done and just spend the week before Christmas making cookies and visiting friends.  To me Christmas is not about the gifts but the time you spend with friends and family.  I always felt like it was a magical time but for different reasons.  People have a sense of hope and a kindness over this holiday that you do not find the rest of the year.  I enjoy everything about this season, the snow, the lights, the laughter, baking, and giving.  Unfortunately I was ill for several weeks and then my daughter came down with a double dose of strep so that with work left no time to shop.  Today, the day before Christmas eve, I went on a mission and came out a champion.  I left the house at 7 am and alternated shopping with appointments all day until all was accomplished.  I even had time for dinner with an old friend whom I do not see nearly enough. The funny part is the gift I love the most only cost me ten dollars and will most likely not be appreciated for the thought that went into it.  That is ok because it brings me joy to give it.  This one was thought of weeks ago, as the original gift was bought 2 months ago but ran into a very expensive snag.  Each gift I buy is bought just for that person.  I do not do fillers or buy things just to buy them, as a gift should mean something or not be given at all.  If you go to the trouble to get in your car, go to a store, purchase something with your hard earned money, go home and wrap it then really there should be some thought behind it.  Some of the best gifts I have ever received cost only a few dollars but were special because the person giving it to me knew it was perfect for me.  

     I am a lover of warm drinks.  I love a good cup of coffee, all kinds of tea, and in the winter I can not get enough hot cocoa.  One year my roommate made a basket with literally dozens of specialty teas, coffees and cocoas that lasted me for months.  It made my winter extra special and every time I drank a cup I thought of her and smiled.  Another friend went thrift shopping for months to find a dozen different broaches because we were required to wear them at work.  I had a special one for each season and holiday that made work more fun.  For mothers day one year my 6 year old daughter went to a bookstore with her dad.  She was on a mission to find the perfect mothers day gift and she knew I loved to read.  She picked a huge red book from the bargain section called " Serial Killers Through Out History" It was a nonfiction and started in the 1700's through modern day.  When she told the lady at the check out counter it was for her mommy for mothers day ( looking very proud) the woman began to question her selection.  Her dad said nothing, but my tiny little girl shot right back, " my mommy is a counselor and works with special people who need help all day long, trust me she will love it", and I did.  

     I have to admit I spent an obscene amount of money for my little budget today, but that was because of last minute shopping and no time to bargain hunt.  I will have to work a little harder this winter to make up for it, but I know that no gift was bought with out thought and all will be appreciated.  As for me the only thing I want for Christmas I know I can not have, so I will enjoy my time with family and friends and let the magic of the season warm me.  Next year will be different, but for now my Christmas gift will have to wait.  

A Perfect Day

Sometimes it is the little things...

     I got a full 6 hours sleep last night and woke up in the best mood.  There was a slight drizzle outside but it is December and 60 degrees so I could not pass up the opportunity for a nice long walk.  The mountains were beautiful, the birds were chirping and the rest of the world was still asleep.  This is my idea of a perfect morning. 3 miles later and slightly wet I felt completely renewed.  

     My day keeps getting better as I got lots of work done went on to my next destination and had a fantastic conversation with a female pastor.  I never know who will walk through my door at work but it is quiet every Sunday and I always welcome the company.  I am the only agent I know that invites random people to sit down and talk about life , but I am always fascinated by stories and the different types of people I meet always leave me entertained.  We talked about several different topics and shared our knowledge of each.  Then came my Sunday regulars checking in on their homes progress, also very lovely people.  They are from California and on the outside seem like complete opposites, but still very in love over 50 years later, something works! 

     My final destination today may prove to not be as wonderful as the rest, I already hear wind of drama and I will not be in the door for another 2 hours.  I vow right now not to let it spoil my mood.  I like being happy.  I know that sounds corny but I am generally a very happy person and its been a rough couple of weeks.  I want this renewed spirit to remain through the new year.  I can not change the world but I can certainly make my corner a little better place to live.

Almost There

A Time to Rest.....

     Well it certainly has been an interesting week.  I can feel a change coming on, a peace returning, everything is ok.  Most of the gifts are bought, the house smells like cookies, and the fireplace is lit.  These things all make me happy.  It is amazing how pain can completely derail your life.  This past 10 days has probably been the worst one yet, probably brought on by stress.  I got very little done and was an emotional wreck.  I bit off the heads of just about everyone in my family, and made lots of apologies.  Now it is time to move on and enjoy the holidays.  Monday and Tuesday I will finish up shopping, do more baking and lots of wrapping.  It is currently 60 degrees out so I think a white Christmas is out of the question, but we had 2 pretty snowfalls so far.  Life is good here and I count my blessings everyday that I have the life I do. There are so many people out there who do not have a good life and I understand that even though I don't have much I have everything I need.  

Baby's Daddy's and Other Stuff

Remember When The Night Began At 10?

     I do not sleep much.  I can not sit at home, it drives me insane.  Do you remember when you were in your 20's and even 30's and never thought of going out before 10 pm on the weekend.  That concept works for us old heads as well.  Kids are home maybe asleep and a sitter can take over for a couple hours.  Unless of course that sitter is the childs father.  I had plans with 2 girlfriends tonight.  Ladies night downtown.  We don't go downtown often but when we do it is always a guaranteed good time.  As of 9 pm neither girl has heard from the father of their children - let me preface they are friends and probably out together right now.  This means that 2 hours of primping and pampering are now going to waste on what is sure to be a date with the good old boob tube tonight.  I feel bad for them as they only get out once a month or so where my child is older and I have more freedom.  I do remember the days, the fights, the baby daddy drama. With me it was not about going out, I was lucky enough to bartend in a hot spot on the weekends and we always partied after.  Friday and Saturday was mom's night out through the guise of work. I actually thought it was pretty clever.  However I really wanted to get my master's degree and my child's father blocked that every way possible.  He was already mad I had gone back to college and got my bachelor.  There was no way he was going to let me get my Masters.  Eventually I had to withdraw because he would say he was going to babysit and once again not show up.  I do love the fact that he actually referred to it as babysitting and I am pretty sure he wanted paid for watching his own child.  

     These ladies are in a similar situation and probably is why we bonded.  They are fantastic and strong single moms who chose the wrong guy.  There is actually a network made just for strong women who had children to the ultimate bad boy and then realized what that meant.  We had a toast we used to do " Young ladies in black stilettos, looking fierce tonight, your hair, your nails, the fake tan too, my you look fly for the hot single guys.  Here's to the bad boys you will do tonight, own it work it take him home , but wrap it up tight cuz in the morning he'll be gone."  I know seems corny now but in the club days we thought we were hot shit.  Tiny, toned, curvaceous, tanned and highlighted with nails bright red and teeth bright white.  We always traveled in packs and never paid a dime.  I believe this is where the show Jersey Shore came from.  

     The thing is we actually worked our asses off.  We worked hard, studied hard, played hard, and rested on Sundays.It does not seem like the kids in those shows actually work.  

     Well I am off to pick up my own child and call it a night.  By the way it is 9:47 on a Friday.

Decisions

Timing is Everything

     Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.  Sometimes you have to go with your gut.  My gut has never steered me wrong.  My head and my heart on the other hand have taken me down many a bad roads.  If it takes more then a day to make a decision then I have to believe the decision has already been made.  I may ponder over small stuff in life.  I may spend weeks thinking about a hair cut or a pair of shoes, but the big stuff I just know, I go with my gut.  When I decided to move away from home there was no planning or forethought, I packed my little ford escort up and headed south.  When I decided to finish my college degree I applied and enrolled right before the fall semester began.  I will spend years at the same job but leave with no warning but an official 2 weeks notice.  I just know when it is time to go.  

     The same holds true for sticking with something or trying something new.  I know when it is right for me, but that does not mean it is right for everyone involved.  Unfortunately there are times in life when you feel in your gut that something is right but you are only half the equation.   I may really like a job or career path that I am on but if I am not benefiting the company with my skills then no matter how happy I am I still may have to go. The same holds true for friendships.  Not all friendships are made to last.  Some are great for a short time and serve their purpose in the lives of those involved, but at some point people grow and change and need to separate.  If you are the one waiting for the decision to be made it can be very difficult.  I have found it to be true that if the other party is taking a long time to say if they want to stay or go, they have already gone.  You may never know why.  With a job you can ask for explanation but I myself have saved an employees feelings by sugar coating the firing.  It is more difficult with friends, and most difficult in relationships.  People generally do not want to hurt people so they cover up the truth with niceties. 

     People leave for all kinds of reasons.  All I can say is take solace in the fact that it is rarely as personal as it seems.  Our lives our shaped my thousands of experiences and sometimes we just don't fit the mold of what the other person wants. Don't wait around to be punished.  If someone wants you in their life they will unmistakably let you know.  They won't want you to walk out the door.  If they don't care then you will know that too, in your gut.  They will have no problem watching you leave.  Hold your head high and know that there will come a day when that job, or friend, or lover will fit perfectly with all your experiences and will not want to let you go.

Until then live with no regrets, don't be afraid to take chances, and walk away with your head held high to the next adventure in life.  We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Stop Yer Bitchin.....

Not to offend you but....

     Excuse my bitch session.  I am so tired of hearing about the insurance debate.  I have a Facebook acquaintance that post his opinion on our President and the health care plans several times a day. He has insurance.  I have several friends who hold the same opinion.  They have insurance.  I have many friends who bitch and moan about their aches, pains, colds, and general well being.  They have insurance.  Most of them do not go to the doctors, act 20 years older then their age, have easily fixable medical conditions, and prefer instead to gripe and moan like a bunch of crotchety old folks in a nursing home.  I actually think they act worse some days.  

     Do they realize what those of us stuck in the middle would do for health insurance?  The million Americans that make to much for medical assistance, but don't make enough to pay for private health insurance. Our jobs do not offer health insurance and believe it or not that extra 3-5 hundred a month for a private plan would literally do us in.  

     I am a chronic pain sufferer.  I live with it everyday of my life.  I last slept through the night 6 days ago.  I am about to lose my mind from exhaustion.  I can do nothing about it.  I go about each day with a smile on my face and pretend I am fine because there is no other option.  I come up with home remedies that make the pain tolerable.  Right now it has been between a 7-9 for days and to avoid thinking about it I work extra shifts just to keep moving.  I would be so grateful to have affordable healthcare.  I am not looking for a handout.  I am not looking for freebies.  I just want a plan that will still allow me to put food on the table.  To have the option of going to the doctor and find out for sure what is wrong instead of just guessing and trying home remedies would be the best feeling in the world.  I do not think those of you who have always had insurance can even imagine what it is like to not see a doctor for 20 years.  Those of you who get strep throat or an ear infection and just go get a pill, you can not imagine battling it for 3-5 weeks until your body fights it off.  Those of you with a toothache and go see a dentist can't imagine suffering for a year until the tooth falls out.  Those of you who get a headache from your eyes and go get a pair of glasses, many just suffer and use a lot of eye drops.

     The battle for affordable healthcare is just beginning.  The problem is not with us or the doctors, or the insurance companies.  It is with the suppliers who charge thousands of dollars for cotton balls, that of course is an exaggeration.  However in other countries where universal healthcare does work there will never be a pill that cost $120.00 a piece. I do not care how we make it work but it needs to work.  We need to have affordable healthcare in this country.  For those of you silently cursing me right now, I bet you have insurance.

Just sayin.....

Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.

How to fight 101

No Fighting No Biting

     When I was a kid that book was read to my cousin and myself a million times.  This was mainly to help my aunt keep her sanity as we were always bickering over something.  Fighting is an essential part of child hood development.  Children need to learn to stick up for themselves.  There are too many adults these days that have no idea how to properly fight.  I can have a knock down full blown match with my family and friends and still sit down to dinner an hour later.  I can have a much more subdued brawl with my boss or co-workers and still remain friends.  A fight is just a way of letting out frustrations and everyone needs to do that now and then.  The people who do not know how to fight freak me out a little bit.  It feels like your entire world with them is superficial, like walking on egg shells, and never knowing if everything is ok.  

     There are a few people in my life that I let slide.  Some are going through things, others are criers ( you simply can not have a fight with a crier).  My mother is one of them these days.  This is the same woman who chased me around the house with inanimate objects flying in my direction because I was to fast to catch, the wonders of old age. I am not by any means advocating fighting, but if you can not fight and make up then you can not be real.  The reality of life is not always pretty, sometimes it is downright ugly.  You have to put on your big kid clothes pick yourself up and move on.  

     I openly admitted to my bad behavior this week for the world to see.  I absolutely admit I overreact to some things in life. My daughter thinks I am nuts because for years I thought she would get kidnapped walking  a mile to the store, now I worry about her going out for a run.  But seriously folks I have been mugged 4 times in life!  Yes I know I have really bad luck but have a knife to your throat or a gun to your head enough times and you see the world a little different. I had a roommate develop paranoid schizophrenia and although we were trying to help he still tried to kill me and another roommate.  Life is full of challenges and you have to get past them.  I have overcome 9 major crisis in my life and give myself a hell of a pat on the back.  I got my boxing gloves on and I face the world each day with a smile.  Now and then I have a melt down and truly believe everyone deserves one.  If your family and friends can not get through it with you then they are not really your support system.  

     The key to fighting is remember the rules....

1.  Rule 1 - Absolutely no physical contact over the age of 12,  children hit big kids do not.

2.  Rule 2 - Take nothing personally even when it is. People get ugly when they are hurt or mad and say things they do not really mean.  They might feel it but you don't say some things out loud for a reason.

3.  Rule 3 - Follow that same rule and don't drag mud in the house.  Fight about the problem at hand not what happened last week or last month.

4.  Rule 4 - Never leave an argument with out settling it. Do not go away or go to bed mad.  It will only fester and become bigger then it is.

     Follow these simple rules and have a go at it.  

The Watering Hole

This is like home to me...

     What I am about to say will make absolutely no sense to most of you.   I am going to miss my new home.  To me a bar is like an old friend, a place to call home, a place you can always find a friend.  To the 10% of you that get this " cheers"! I was literally raised in the bar business.  The look of the familiar wood bar tops with rounded corners and some very simple or very intricate etchings and moldings are like a favorite childhood toy.  The sight of all the different bottles and brews and glass wear are like beautiful jewelry to other girls.  The odd smell of wood polish, beer, booze, and smoke are a comforting smell to me.  The old man at the end of the bar, the young visitors in the middle and the regulars at one end usually closest to where the bartender spends his or her time.  These are all comforting sights and remind me of home.  My family was made up of bartenders, servers, managers, bookies, broads, and boozers.  It may sound funny but back then kids in bars were pretty common and I made a mint on handstands from the regulars!  I never ran short of quarters to play pacman and pinball.  I heard stories and language that most parents would be appalled at these days but to me it was normal.  It was home to me and that strange and wonderful crowd was my family.  

     Since that time I have always lived with in walking distance to a favorite pub. When I say pub I mean a bar's bar.  Not a nightclub, or an upscale restaurant bar, nothing fancy and a wide range of people.  A place where people get to know you and welcome you in.  A few years ago I was transplanted to the suburbs for the first time in 20 years.  I thought my life was over.  There were no decent bars where I felt home in.  There were chains and a couple places that just did not strike me.  One day just a little over a year ago, a friend asked me to join her at this little unknown bar in the bottom of an old brick schoolhouse.  A private place, a dive bar.  OH I was so totally in!  This even sounded like my kind of place before I walked in.  I knew immediately I had found a new home.  The crazy part was it had been so long since I had a comfortable place to hang out I felt uncomfortable!  It took a while for me to gather up the courage to go in by my self.  This was completely unlike me but this was different, this family was  a little tighter then most.  

     The past year has been a good time and I have met amazing and wonderful people.  If you recall my first post Insomnia Used To Be Fun I have found my 3 am coffee shop in the burbs.  There are so many types with stories to tell I could write another full play based on these characters alone.  I really appreciate all of them.  There comes a time in life when you know that this home is only borrowed, rented, not a permanent dwelling.  I used to joke that if things did not work out between the man I was dating and myself that I would give up my membership and disappear, it was after all his home since its birth and I was merely a visitor.  What I did not realize is one day I would eat those words.  The time has come, he is gone, and I realized last night that I care too much to be comfortable hanging out while he meets the next one. So off I will go to find a new home.  This time of year , if you are a regular in a pub then you understand, is the worst time of year to do this!  The Christmas season can be hectic and your bar family understands your sudden desire to run screaming from the mall straight into a stool with a comforting drink, a smoke, and a friendly nod of appreciation from the parent two stools down.  New years eve, you need to be around friends with all the drinking and debauchery that goes on!  Your friends will have your back when you have one to many. I have no doubts I will find a place to go for New years but there will be a lot less celebrating so I can watch my own back.  Yes I will find a new home, I already have one in mind, a little farther drive and a lot more expensive, but comfortable.  Change is inevitable but I don't have to like it.

To Be Completely Honest.....

I Could Not Face The Truth

     They say honesty is the best policy and insanity is the best defense.  I suppose we have all been there at some point in our lives.  Last night I did something I never dreamed I could do.  I took the cowards way out.  It was not even a way out but a complete loss of reason.  I told someone that means the world to me that I could not be a part of their life anymore via text message.  If there ever was a defense for such an asinine move then 4 shots in 30 minutes brought on by the fact that I did not see his car in the parking lot before I went in might ease my guilt a bit.   It does not.  

    This past summer I met a man.  Yes I know nothing for the record books but for me it was a big step.  My friends have been bugging me to start dating again for a long time now.  It had been 5 years since I truly put myself out there.  I thought it was time to test the waters and I had my eye on a man at my local watering hole. From the little I knew about him he was a man's man.  Kind of rough and tough and a little to straight forward.  He was also the entertainer, the good time guy.  I figured he was perfect.  A few dates a few drinks and no strings attached.  Well someone should have warned me the reason it never worked out with anyone else is because I always dated boys, and apparently this man was my type of guy.  I fell too hard too fast and tried like mad to deny it.  He would not let me.  He saw right through me and literally drug the word love right out of my mouth.  This rough and tumble guy danced with me and quietly sang the songs in my ear, I melted at that moment and every time after that he did this.  When we cuddled he would remark how perfectly we fit together and he was right.  I never felt so safe next to someone in my life.  You will here mention of him in other post on here. Family Strong is my favorite.  

     We had a perfect summer which is what made fall so difficult.  Life took over and there was less and less time together.  He did not seem to mind, did not seem concerned.  Maybe I think too much or maybe I felt like we were going backwards.  I wanted to feel the security I felt with him over the summer.  I wanted to know that I still meant something to him.  Last month I told him we needed to talk, I needed to talk.  Let me preface this with I am a tomboy in some ways. I grew up playing army, riding huffys and building forts.  I love football and drinking beer and don't believe in marriage.  So when I act girly it throws people off.  That was his response.  "Don't get all girly on me". and then he went away.  He really did not go away but my text were answered less and less and my phone calls were declined.  He would insist nothing was wrong and go into one of his infamous stories from his past.  The only thing I really know about his past is that he slept with a lot of people, cheated on some and felt bad when he got caught.  What I want to know is his favorite memory from childhood, his favorite vacation, even his favorite color would be nice.  I am not sure why just about every story ends with or begins with this girl or that but it sure does not help me to feel anything good about where we were at.  He thinks I don't trust him and you can't build a relationship on suspicions. ( a song he sang at karaoke last night) Well then stop telling me about all your misgivings and try living life in the present for a while!!! A relationship can also not last if two people can't fight and make up! I can't keep my mouth shut and be happy.  I need to let it out sometimes and know its ok.  A healthy relationship is built on these experiences, not just good times.  If good times is all you want then Do Not bring the word love into it!
     The thing about not believing in marriage is that we believe twice as much in the power of love. It is not even that marriage is out of the question, but the relationship is what is most important, not the paper or the ring.  I believe in being in love.  It is easy to say you love people but it takes work to stay in love with your partner.  It takes special moments, date nights, quality time, alone time away from each other, random acts of kindness, and fighting like cats and dogs.  Love requires work and no paper or ring can guarantee that someone will want to work for you, to hold onto you, to make sure you know your importance in their lives.  I have rearranged my schedule to his so that we could have time together.  I went from working 80 + hour weeks 7 days a week to 50 hours and 5 days.  My schedule is more flexible so it seemed the appropriate thing to do.  If I had not then we would not have made it past September.  In doing this I took a financial hit but was gaining something much more valuable.  I was gaining time and a life for the first time in a long time.  The trade off was worth it.  I still remember the day I looked at him in a room full of people in his home and knew I had fallen in love.  At that moment nothing else mattered.  For everything he was and for everything he was not, I loved all of him.  Unfortunately I could not tell him with so much going on.  I don't know if I could have anyway as he has stated several times that he will never love any woman again the way they want to be loved.  I guess in his mind you only get one shot and for him his first wife was it.
     Why put myself out there then.  I believe you can have several great loves and I know he is one.  But if he can never feel the same way then why try?  The answer is simple for me.  I have to love and I have to let my feelings be known.  It is who I am.  I can not live life in a box and I have crawled into a shell this past month to avoid the pain of losing him, until the night I did.
     Saturday night I lost him and I can tell he does not get why.  It is all about respect for someones feelings.  We had been at a charity event during the day and he had been drinking.  Afterwards I had to get home to my daughter so I could not go to the after party.  A storm was moving in and I need tires so I did not want to drive in it. It was not even a question in my mind that we would see each other later.  I never heard from him again that night.  I saw his son who had not heard from him.  The storm was bad and he had now been drinking for 9 hours.  I was worried he was in a ditch somewhere.  All the nights of my past came flooding back.  My dad, my daughters dad, my roommate, all the nights waiting up to know if someone was dead or alive.  I shut down.  My walls went up.  I broke up with him by a text and ran for my life.  Was it the right thing to do?  I know in my heart I love him.  I know I am in love with him.  I also know he has a rule.  Once things are done they are done, no going back.  I know this to be true as I see and have heard all the stories off his past.  I don't think I was wrong to be upset for many things over the past month. I just want him to know that my love was real.  for me no part of this was a fling. I hope he finds what ever he is looking for in life.  I truly love his spirit and his smile and want him to be happy. What a way to end this crazy year...