Transition

Growing up.....

     There comes in a time in life when you must decide what is right for someone else, even if it is not what you want.  This is called growing up.  We go through these changes several times in life.  Children learn to share their toys with a friend they really like.  Siblings learn to share their lives to keep the peace in a home they must also occupy.  Teens learn to compromise with parents and employers for the first time so that they may have the freedom they so desire.  The list goes on with each stage in life.

     This weekend I came to realize that I value the friendship I have with someone and do not want to lose it.  I enjoy his company, appreciate his opinion, and love to hear his stories.  I do not want to lose this in my life.  So I grew up a little more and I am working on building this friendship and letting go of the relationship.  It does not mean I don't love him, but love comes in many forms.  I am not good for him in the way I would like to be, but I know the real me, the one I keep hidden from him, will mesh well with his personality.  So it begins, the long journey into a life long friendship that will take time to build.  He keeps a lot inside and it will take time to earn his trust to really become friends, but the wait will be worth it.  In time he will see what a mess I am and lecture me on my life choices like my other buddies.  

     

All I Want For Christmas

It is not about the money.....

     This year has been a time for change.  I have a new office, new friends, brand new babies in the family, and a fresh start to my life.  The past few weeks have been hectic.  Usually by now I have all my Christmas shopping done and just spend the week before Christmas making cookies and visiting friends.  To me Christmas is not about the gifts but the time you spend with friends and family.  I always felt like it was a magical time but for different reasons.  People have a sense of hope and a kindness over this holiday that you do not find the rest of the year.  I enjoy everything about this season, the snow, the lights, the laughter, baking, and giving.  Unfortunately I was ill for several weeks and then my daughter came down with a double dose of strep so that with work left no time to shop.  Today, the day before Christmas eve, I went on a mission and came out a champion.  I left the house at 7 am and alternated shopping with appointments all day until all was accomplished.  I even had time for dinner with an old friend whom I do not see nearly enough. The funny part is the gift I love the most only cost me ten dollars and will most likely not be appreciated for the thought that went into it.  That is ok because it brings me joy to give it.  This one was thought of weeks ago, as the original gift was bought 2 months ago but ran into a very expensive snag.  Each gift I buy is bought just for that person.  I do not do fillers or buy things just to buy them, as a gift should mean something or not be given at all.  If you go to the trouble to get in your car, go to a store, purchase something with your hard earned money, go home and wrap it then really there should be some thought behind it.  Some of the best gifts I have ever received cost only a few dollars but were special because the person giving it to me knew it was perfect for me.  

     I am a lover of warm drinks.  I love a good cup of coffee, all kinds of tea, and in the winter I can not get enough hot cocoa.  One year my roommate made a basket with literally dozens of specialty teas, coffees and cocoas that lasted me for months.  It made my winter extra special and every time I drank a cup I thought of her and smiled.  Another friend went thrift shopping for months to find a dozen different broaches because we were required to wear them at work.  I had a special one for each season and holiday that made work more fun.  For mothers day one year my 6 year old daughter went to a bookstore with her dad.  She was on a mission to find the perfect mothers day gift and she knew I loved to read.  She picked a huge red book from the bargain section called " Serial Killers Through Out History" It was a nonfiction and started in the 1700's through modern day.  When she told the lady at the check out counter it was for her mommy for mothers day ( looking very proud) the woman began to question her selection.  Her dad said nothing, but my tiny little girl shot right back, " my mommy is a counselor and works with special people who need help all day long, trust me she will love it", and I did.  

     I have to admit I spent an obscene amount of money for my little budget today, but that was because of last minute shopping and no time to bargain hunt.  I will have to work a little harder this winter to make up for it, but I know that no gift was bought with out thought and all will be appreciated.  As for me the only thing I want for Christmas I know I can not have, so I will enjoy my time with family and friends and let the magic of the season warm me.  Next year will be different, but for now my Christmas gift will have to wait.  

Almost There

A Time to Rest.....

     Well it certainly has been an interesting week.  I can feel a change coming on, a peace returning, everything is ok.  Most of the gifts are bought, the house smells like cookies, and the fireplace is lit.  These things all make me happy.  It is amazing how pain can completely derail your life.  This past 10 days has probably been the worst one yet, probably brought on by stress.  I got very little done and was an emotional wreck.  I bit off the heads of just about everyone in my family, and made lots of apologies.  Now it is time to move on and enjoy the holidays.  Monday and Tuesday I will finish up shopping, do more baking and lots of wrapping.  It is currently 60 degrees out so I think a white Christmas is out of the question, but we had 2 pretty snowfalls so far.  Life is good here and I count my blessings everyday that I have the life I do. There are so many people out there who do not have a good life and I understand that even though I don't have much I have everything I need.  

Decisions

Timing is Everything

     Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.  Sometimes you have to go with your gut.  My gut has never steered me wrong.  My head and my heart on the other hand have taken me down many a bad roads.  If it takes more then a day to make a decision then I have to believe the decision has already been made.  I may ponder over small stuff in life.  I may spend weeks thinking about a hair cut or a pair of shoes, but the big stuff I just know, I go with my gut.  When I decided to move away from home there was no planning or forethought, I packed my little ford escort up and headed south.  When I decided to finish my college degree I applied and enrolled right before the fall semester began.  I will spend years at the same job but leave with no warning but an official 2 weeks notice.  I just know when it is time to go.  

     The same holds true for sticking with something or trying something new.  I know when it is right for me, but that does not mean it is right for everyone involved.  Unfortunately there are times in life when you feel in your gut that something is right but you are only half the equation.   I may really like a job or career path that I am on but if I am not benefiting the company with my skills then no matter how happy I am I still may have to go. The same holds true for friendships.  Not all friendships are made to last.  Some are great for a short time and serve their purpose in the lives of those involved, but at some point people grow and change and need to separate.  If you are the one waiting for the decision to be made it can be very difficult.  I have found it to be true that if the other party is taking a long time to say if they want to stay or go, they have already gone.  You may never know why.  With a job you can ask for explanation but I myself have saved an employees feelings by sugar coating the firing.  It is more difficult with friends, and most difficult in relationships.  People generally do not want to hurt people so they cover up the truth with niceties. 

     People leave for all kinds of reasons.  All I can say is take solace in the fact that it is rarely as personal as it seems.  Our lives our shaped my thousands of experiences and sometimes we just don't fit the mold of what the other person wants. Don't wait around to be punished.  If someone wants you in their life they will unmistakably let you know.  They won't want you to walk out the door.  If they don't care then you will know that too, in your gut.  They will have no problem watching you leave.  Hold your head high and know that there will come a day when that job, or friend, or lover will fit perfectly with all your experiences and will not want to let you go.

Until then live with no regrets, don't be afraid to take chances, and walk away with your head held high to the next adventure in life.  We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.

To Be Completely Honest.....

I Could Not Face The Truth

     They say honesty is the best policy and insanity is the best defense.  I suppose we have all been there at some point in our lives.  Last night I did something I never dreamed I could do.  I took the cowards way out.  It was not even a way out but a complete loss of reason.  I told someone that means the world to me that I could not be a part of their life anymore via text message.  If there ever was a defense for such an asinine move then 4 shots in 30 minutes brought on by the fact that I did not see his car in the parking lot before I went in might ease my guilt a bit.   It does not.  

    This past summer I met a man.  Yes I know nothing for the record books but for me it was a big step.  My friends have been bugging me to start dating again for a long time now.  It had been 5 years since I truly put myself out there.  I thought it was time to test the waters and I had my eye on a man at my local watering hole. From the little I knew about him he was a man's man.  Kind of rough and tough and a little to straight forward.  He was also the entertainer, the good time guy.  I figured he was perfect.  A few dates a few drinks and no strings attached.  Well someone should have warned me the reason it never worked out with anyone else is because I always dated boys, and apparently this man was my type of guy.  I fell too hard too fast and tried like mad to deny it.  He would not let me.  He saw right through me and literally drug the word love right out of my mouth.  This rough and tumble guy danced with me and quietly sang the songs in my ear, I melted at that moment and every time after that he did this.  When we cuddled he would remark how perfectly we fit together and he was right.  I never felt so safe next to someone in my life.  You will here mention of him in other post on here. Family Strong is my favorite.  

     We had a perfect summer which is what made fall so difficult.  Life took over and there was less and less time together.  He did not seem to mind, did not seem concerned.  Maybe I think too much or maybe I felt like we were going backwards.  I wanted to feel the security I felt with him over the summer.  I wanted to know that I still meant something to him.  Last month I told him we needed to talk, I needed to talk.  Let me preface this with I am a tomboy in some ways. I grew up playing army, riding huffys and building forts.  I love football and drinking beer and don't believe in marriage.  So when I act girly it throws people off.  That was his response.  "Don't get all girly on me". and then he went away.  He really did not go away but my text were answered less and less and my phone calls were declined.  He would insist nothing was wrong and go into one of his infamous stories from his past.  The only thing I really know about his past is that he slept with a lot of people, cheated on some and felt bad when he got caught.  What I want to know is his favorite memory from childhood, his favorite vacation, even his favorite color would be nice.  I am not sure why just about every story ends with or begins with this girl or that but it sure does not help me to feel anything good about where we were at.  He thinks I don't trust him and you can't build a relationship on suspicions. ( a song he sang at karaoke last night) Well then stop telling me about all your misgivings and try living life in the present for a while!!! A relationship can also not last if two people can't fight and make up! I can't keep my mouth shut and be happy.  I need to let it out sometimes and know its ok.  A healthy relationship is built on these experiences, not just good times.  If good times is all you want then Do Not bring the word love into it!
     The thing about not believing in marriage is that we believe twice as much in the power of love. It is not even that marriage is out of the question, but the relationship is what is most important, not the paper or the ring.  I believe in being in love.  It is easy to say you love people but it takes work to stay in love with your partner.  It takes special moments, date nights, quality time, alone time away from each other, random acts of kindness, and fighting like cats and dogs.  Love requires work and no paper or ring can guarantee that someone will want to work for you, to hold onto you, to make sure you know your importance in their lives.  I have rearranged my schedule to his so that we could have time together.  I went from working 80 + hour weeks 7 days a week to 50 hours and 5 days.  My schedule is more flexible so it seemed the appropriate thing to do.  If I had not then we would not have made it past September.  In doing this I took a financial hit but was gaining something much more valuable.  I was gaining time and a life for the first time in a long time.  The trade off was worth it.  I still remember the day I looked at him in a room full of people in his home and knew I had fallen in love.  At that moment nothing else mattered.  For everything he was and for everything he was not, I loved all of him.  Unfortunately I could not tell him with so much going on.  I don't know if I could have anyway as he has stated several times that he will never love any woman again the way they want to be loved.  I guess in his mind you only get one shot and for him his first wife was it.
     Why put myself out there then.  I believe you can have several great loves and I know he is one.  But if he can never feel the same way then why try?  The answer is simple for me.  I have to love and I have to let my feelings be known.  It is who I am.  I can not live life in a box and I have crawled into a shell this past month to avoid the pain of losing him, until the night I did.
     Saturday night I lost him and I can tell he does not get why.  It is all about respect for someones feelings.  We had been at a charity event during the day and he had been drinking.  Afterwards I had to get home to my daughter so I could not go to the after party.  A storm was moving in and I need tires so I did not want to drive in it. It was not even a question in my mind that we would see each other later.  I never heard from him again that night.  I saw his son who had not heard from him.  The storm was bad and he had now been drinking for 9 hours.  I was worried he was in a ditch somewhere.  All the nights of my past came flooding back.  My dad, my daughters dad, my roommate, all the nights waiting up to know if someone was dead or alive.  I shut down.  My walls went up.  I broke up with him by a text and ran for my life.  Was it the right thing to do?  I know in my heart I love him.  I know I am in love with him.  I also know he has a rule.  Once things are done they are done, no going back.  I know this to be true as I see and have heard all the stories off his past.  I don't think I was wrong to be upset for many things over the past month. I just want him to know that my love was real.  for me no part of this was a fling. I hope he finds what ever he is looking for in life.  I truly love his spirit and his smile and want him to be happy. What a way to end this crazy year... 

I Have Not Been Myself

Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back

     Have you ever woke up and been absolutely in love with your life?   I have been lucky enough to have the moment many times over the years.  Those days are almost corny, like the beginning of Cinderella when she is singing to all her forest friends. Yup I mean so disgustingly happy that the only way to describe it is through a Disney film.  For me it is usually brought on by an accomplishment of some sort, or getting to do something I really love in life.  What ever your happy is you know that moment I am talking about.  

     I have spent the past couple years recreating myself.  I was on a mission to finish what I started 23 years ago.  At the age of 19 I set off to live out my dreams and see the world.  I had an incredible, crazy, awesome,and sometimes dangerous 8 years of self exploration.  Unfortunately I ended up more lost then when I started my journey, but it was a hell of a ride!  The next 10 years were defined more by tragic occurrences happening repeatedly by my own inability to leave a bad situation.  There are often moments in life we would like a chance to change, for me that moment is the spring of 1997.  I had just come to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mom in 8 short months.   I knew only one thing, her co-creator was not the daddy type and certainly was very bad for my existence. My roommate felt differently and spilled the beans.  We decided we were going to give this a try and moved back to my hometown to begin our journey into adulthood.  Now he actually had some very good daddy moments that surprised me over the years.  He could swaddle better then anyone I knew, sing her to sleep, and play pretend pretty darn well. Then there was the time he got her a full size drum set for her 2nd Christmas, no you could not see her, but she had a blast banging away on it.  He was there for her first step, and taught her how to ride a bike, overall he had good times with her.  

     Our relationship however was toxic to both of us.  He honestly had a complete inability to stay in a monogamous relationship.when we met he was the tender age of twenty and his number of partners was already at close to fifty by what we could tell.  Yes I know I should have run right then.  By the time we had separated for the last time that number had doubled. He also had a complete inability to keep a job, so fiances were always my responsibility.  He was at times cute and goofy and charming.  He had a lot of passion for his career and for music. Had we stayed separated the first time we may have remained friends. Instead we kept coming back together, his drinking, cheating, and general life skills took a nosedive and I berated him for it.  This only led to more drinking and what was an emotionally and financially toxic relationship turned downright violent.  I shut down and became a ghost in the mirror.  I lost all of myself until one day I could take no more and left for good.  

     It took 6 months for me to learn to sleep again.  It took 1 year to really laugh for the first time.  It took 5 years to figure out how to live life my way all over again.  I found my independence, my spirit, my confidence.  I once again was in charge not only in my work life but in my personal life as well.  It felt good to be working my way back up from the grave I was in.  I was OK.

     This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and had to be completely honest with myself.  I have taken 4 steps back and it is not a pretty sight.  There is no Disney film to describe this moment. I am once again keeping my mouth shut, needlessly worrying about things I have no control over, and in general acting like the mouse I had become for survival back then.  Only problem is,  this is my problem now.  I am not in danger and life is good, but for some reason my self is running scared.  I am doing stupid things, not taking care of business, and in general acting like an idiot.  I may sound a bit harsh, but seriously I need a reality check here.  So today I looked in the mirror with complete disgust and said "no more"!  I will not make stupid decisions, I will not keep quiet, I will be myself and either people will like me or not. I can not control what other people think about me and honestly never had a problem with friends that I did not create myself.  I have always kept people at a distance, but that's my fault not theirs.  I will take care of business and in 6 short months the final part of my journey back will be complete.  I will once again be a homeowner.  This means more to me then just about anything.  It will be my final step, my way of feeling accomplished, and it will not matter that I will have no furniture to put in it, all sold off long ago, it will be mine. I will lay in the middle of the living room floor like in my first house and just grin from ear to ear.  This will be my final step forward, and I know the next 10 years are going to be amazing.  

What Makes A Holiday Special?

Fourth of July?

    The stores are stocked, the commercials have hit the air, and the radio stations have begun playing holiday songs. Yes it is the first week of November and apparently Christmas has arrived.  I actually began seeing Christmas displays in early October, before Halloween, seriously I understand economics and the need for any excuse to increase revenue, but October?  For as long as I can remember my favorite holiday was the Fourth of July.  I mean how can you not love a holiday that's sole purpose is celebration?  Think about it.  the Fourth of July is an outdoor celebration involving friends, family, fireworks, and cook outs. There is no religious connotations or separations.  There are no gifts, or pressure to please, very few decorations, and plenty of space for everyone to be together with out killing each other!  Now look at the winter holiday season.  First is the separation of at least 4 major religious celebrations.  There is no one moment everyone celebrates.  Next is the pressure to buy presents for family, friends, bosses, teachers, coaches, your cleaning lady, hairdresser, mailman, oh and don't forget your kids, and nieces and nephews, god children, uggg I am exhausted and broke just thinking about it! No wonder they start holiday sales in October.  It takes that many paychecks to afford all that!  

     Now I don't want you to think me a Grinch. I am actually quite the opposite of the mean old Grinch.  I adore Christmas.  I am already watching Hallmark Movie Channel religiously and I do not watch TV on a normal basis the rest of the year.  I watch football, the news, and a when time allows I pull up things on Netflix.  This time of year I watch a years worth of television in 2 months.  I am playing Christmas music in the car and driving my daughter nuts, and yes I have made a secret batch of Christmas cookies for fun.  

     What makes the holidays special for me is the magic.  I love sitting in front of the fireplace with the tree all lit up.  I love snow falling in the moonlight.  I really love time with friends and family.  I am not a religious person but every Christmas eve I watch midnight mass with the Pope on TV.  This may seem funny but I am not baptized so I did not grow up with a church.  To me Midnight Mass seems like the real deal,  it is peaceful and calming and unadulterated. I enjoy baking and the holidays are an excuse to go to town.  This time of year should go by so slowly.  It should be a time to relax and energize both your body and your mind. For centuries winter meant exactly this. People did not farm, or travel, or run around in the cold dead of winter. Modern inventions mean we no longer have downtime.  People work and travel and run around 7 days a week.  We have even lost the supposed 7th day of rest!  When I was a kid very few things were open on Sundays.  This meant few people worked and there was no place to go.  We simply relaxed or visited family.  In the winter when it snowed schools actually closed and people stayed home.  I miss this life.  This is what the winter holidays mean to me.  The magic is in the waiting, relaxing, and in the peace that you can only feel after a good heavy snowfall. Did you ever listen to just how quiet it is during a snow storm? The air is so heavy sound just does not travel.  

     I still love Fourth of July the best of all holidays, but the magic of Christmas is in the air and I fully intend to enjoy it, my way, at peace.  As for all the gifts, I believe in giving and think everyone should get one special gift. I buy local, love small business Saturday, and hand made gifts as well.  I will never get caught up in Black Friday or holiday deals, or the toy of the season.  It is the spirit of giving, not the price or quantity of the gifts that count. 

Happy Holidays...