Sleepless Ramblings

Every Decade Begins Anew.

     I remember 12.  I remember my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first feeling of absolute power!  This moment will happen several times in your life if you are lucky, more often if you are blessed with true confidence.  I learned early on that being pretty was a passing thing but confidence was something no one could resist.  I may not be a cheerleader or a model or even cute, but I could wear confidence like a pair of Manolo Blahniks.  This has gotten me very far in life, farther then I earned or deserved in most situations. In most jobs I was often promoted quickly due to my fantastic knowledge base ( confidence).  In school I was given better grades by arguing my point ( confidence) and in social situations I became mama due to being wise beyond my years ( confidence). Now do not get me wrong I am not an idiot and I always worked diligently to uphold what I was given, but the most ironic part of this story is my absolute lack of confidence.       In my teens I was confident that I could make every boy a friend so that my fears of dating would not be noticed.  I made myself love sports to hang with my buddies.  In my twenties I had to date to appear somewhat normal so I used crutches to become the party girl I was not.  In my thirties I lived with someone who completely destroyed what was left of my self respect but stayed out of fear or maybe a fear of failure.  

     Now I am in my forties and I am spent.  I have nothing left to give but I am not giving up.  If  I could fake it for 40 years damn it I can fake it until I make it now!  At work and with friends I can seem in control.  With strangers I am in complete control!  I made a fantastic bartender for that reason alone.  I could flirt and advise with the best of them.  With people who get close to me, well forget about it.  I am a complete idiot with no sense of self or even ability to put together a decent thought!  Seriously why is it I can run a support group or take the stage and talk to 500 people with no problem, but put me one on one and I clam up.  

    Confidence is sexy if you wear it well.  I can wear it for everyone except the people that really matter.  Now I realize that means that I am just pretending and it is not real, I do get that.  I have always believed if you run enough miles you can call your self a runner. I believed that if I acted confident long enough then I would be confident!  Will someone please tell me when exactly that will occur!  Yes at this point in my life I want an exact date and time.  I do not want to be the grand nanny in a nursing home at 90 keeping every one else going strong.  I want it now, the power and courage and confidence to pursue my goals and dreams, and to be who I feel inside. I will not sit back and enjoy the ride anymore.  I want to drive the car and be in control of my own life for a change.  I want the people who matter most to me to respect me and trust me. 

   It is time to be 12 again and feel the power that a kiss can hold.  I am confident, and I am proud, and I can do this thing called life.  I do not have all the answers but I sure as hell will not stop trying to find them.  The next 40 years will be amazing.  That is what I call sexy...

Random Rant

You Just Don't Understand!

     How many times did we say those words as teenagers?  How many times do we have to hear them as parents?  My darling daughter is now 15 years old and apparently never talking to me again with any form of love in her heart.  She walks around looking sullen, sad, no down right miserable all the time.  Sorry let me correct that, she looks this way when she is around her family.  I suppose many parents go through this.  The once loving, doting, adorable child that smiled and laughed on a daily basis suddenly disappears and an alien being invades the home.    She still can not remember to do her one and only chore or keep a house key on her, but has dreams of driving in a few short months!  I don't think so is my current mantra.  She says I can not understand what she is going through, that times are different, she says " you did not even have the internet when you were my age"! 

     Wow, she is right we had the party line on a phone with a cord! I am soooo old!  I am 42 by the way and really can not believe the world has changed so much in my lifetime.  I am pretty sure that we still had boys, drinking, drugs, and drama when I was 15.  I am also sure that I disliked my parents for much more significant reasons! I am most sure that her life is not nearly as horrible as she feels at this moment.  

     The thing that kills me the most, this is where single and divorced parents can relate, her father can do no wrong.  He is cool and understands her, he gets it. Well of course he does he is less mature then the boys her own age!  I spent years teaching my daughter not to use the word hate.  But that does not even begin to describe my feelings for her father.  His broken promises, inability to keep a job, refusal to help in any financial way or my favorite his refusal to babysit his daughter led us to be where we are in life.  I will admit it is 100% my fault that I let him back in our lives not once, not twice, but three times! Sometimes it was a true desire that he and our daughter would be close.  Then there were the times I was just downright afraid of the consequences.  She lost her school, and we lost our house from those broken promises.  I lost my ability to trust a man for years.  I also hid everything from her, so in all fairness she does not know the half of it.  

     For most of her life I held 2 jobs to make ends meet.  My degree is in social services so that does not pay the bills.  For the last 6 years since we lost the house, which was in my name, and I left him for good,  I have been busting my butt to give her everything she wants and repair my credit.  After I left I was afraid to be in a place he would come to so I moved us in with my mother for a year.  My mother became ill during that time and so we stayed longer.  I could have moved last year but she is in constant need of large sums of money for her activities.  This has made saving a down payment very difficult. I continue to work 2 jobs and still try and live a life now and then. 

     For the first time in 17 years I am dating someone new.  He is the complete opposite of her dad and an amazing man.  My daughter refuses to accept this.  She literally told me I can wait to date until she goes away to college! Her father has been dating, living, and fully supported by a young gal for the last 6 years who my daughter gets along with.  She will not even acknowledge that my friend exist.  I have met and like both of his children and most of his family.  He has not met anyone on my side which I know has to bug him.

    "You just don't understand"!   These words are on the tip of my tongue all the time but never come out.  How is it that a man who payed nothing for you, did nothing for you, finds it difficult to find the time to spend 4 hours a week with you while he is unemployed for years at a time, how is he the good parent?  I just don't understand!  I would like to have a partner of my own, someone who will love me and I can love back for the first time ever, but I am not allowed?  I just don't understand!  

    I do understand the sacrifices many a parent has made over the years to make sure their children grow into happy, healthy, productive adults.  I hear the echos of those words everywhere.  I have made a thousand sacrifices for her that she will never fully understand, and I would do it all over again.  I just wish she could understand the depth of my love for her and how much I need and want her love in return.  Someday perhaps she will know.  I do not wish my life on her.  I want her to have a perfect life.  I want her to find love and adventure and peace.  My wish for her is simple, complete happiness, that is my wish for her in what ever she does in life.  

     I do understand.  she just will not know that for 20 years.