Transition

Growing up.....

     There comes in a time in life when you must decide what is right for someone else, even if it is not what you want.  This is called growing up.  We go through these changes several times in life.  Children learn to share their toys with a friend they really like.  Siblings learn to share their lives to keep the peace in a home they must also occupy.  Teens learn to compromise with parents and employers for the first time so that they may have the freedom they so desire.  The list goes on with each stage in life.

     This weekend I came to realize that I value the friendship I have with someone and do not want to lose it.  I enjoy his company, appreciate his opinion, and love to hear his stories.  I do not want to lose this in my life.  So I grew up a little more and I am working on building this friendship and letting go of the relationship.  It does not mean I don't love him, but love comes in many forms.  I am not good for him in the way I would like to be, but I know the real me, the one I keep hidden from him, will mesh well with his personality.  So it begins, the long journey into a life long friendship that will take time to build.  He keeps a lot inside and it will take time to earn his trust to really become friends, but the wait will be worth it.  In time he will see what a mess I am and lecture me on my life choices like my other buddies.  

     

New Years Resolutions and Other Lessons

My Resolution is Simply to Live in the Present...

     I do not make New Years resolutions.  I feel like they are a set up for failure even for the strongest of my friends.  Every year in January my gym is flooded with newbies who have made a resolution to get fit.  Not that I am against it, I think its great! I just change up the time I go so I can avoid the temporary crowd.  What bugs me is by February It's like they were never there at all!  Same old faces as before the holidays and we chat and sweat and get through the cold early mornings together.  I think if you are going to resolve to do something then you should commit yourself to it 100%.  I also think any resolution fueled by a night of drinking is probably a bad idea!  

     This year I want to try a small resolution mainly due to my new found freedom from myself.  I have kept a fortress around myself for 40 years and lived really well.  This year for the first time ever I let the wall come down and at the ripe old age of 42 I am getting through my very first broken heart.  It is almost comical that all the things I heard girls say all my life I am feeling for the first time.  It is a very liberating experience, and truly amazing because as an adult I can do something the younger me could not have.  I can take responsibility.   I allowed my past to mess with my present and I have no one to blame but me.  So in honor of the new year I simply resolve to live in the present, be my true self, love deeply, and love often.  Life is to short to live a false life.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

Decisions

Timing is Everything

     Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.  Sometimes you have to go with your gut.  My gut has never steered me wrong.  My head and my heart on the other hand have taken me down many a bad roads.  If it takes more then a day to make a decision then I have to believe the decision has already been made.  I may ponder over small stuff in life.  I may spend weeks thinking about a hair cut or a pair of shoes, but the big stuff I just know, I go with my gut.  When I decided to move away from home there was no planning or forethought, I packed my little ford escort up and headed south.  When I decided to finish my college degree I applied and enrolled right before the fall semester began.  I will spend years at the same job but leave with no warning but an official 2 weeks notice.  I just know when it is time to go.  

     The same holds true for sticking with something or trying something new.  I know when it is right for me, but that does not mean it is right for everyone involved.  Unfortunately there are times in life when you feel in your gut that something is right but you are only half the equation.   I may really like a job or career path that I am on but if I am not benefiting the company with my skills then no matter how happy I am I still may have to go. The same holds true for friendships.  Not all friendships are made to last.  Some are great for a short time and serve their purpose in the lives of those involved, but at some point people grow and change and need to separate.  If you are the one waiting for the decision to be made it can be very difficult.  I have found it to be true that if the other party is taking a long time to say if they want to stay or go, they have already gone.  You may never know why.  With a job you can ask for explanation but I myself have saved an employees feelings by sugar coating the firing.  It is more difficult with friends, and most difficult in relationships.  People generally do not want to hurt people so they cover up the truth with niceties. 

     People leave for all kinds of reasons.  All I can say is take solace in the fact that it is rarely as personal as it seems.  Our lives our shaped my thousands of experiences and sometimes we just don't fit the mold of what the other person wants. Don't wait around to be punished.  If someone wants you in their life they will unmistakably let you know.  They won't want you to walk out the door.  If they don't care then you will know that too, in your gut.  They will have no problem watching you leave.  Hold your head high and know that there will come a day when that job, or friend, or lover will fit perfectly with all your experiences and will not want to let you go.

Until then live with no regrets, don't be afraid to take chances, and walk away with your head held high to the next adventure in life.  We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.

How to fight 101

No Fighting No Biting

     When I was a kid that book was read to my cousin and myself a million times.  This was mainly to help my aunt keep her sanity as we were always bickering over something.  Fighting is an essential part of child hood development.  Children need to learn to stick up for themselves.  There are too many adults these days that have no idea how to properly fight.  I can have a knock down full blown match with my family and friends and still sit down to dinner an hour later.  I can have a much more subdued brawl with my boss or co-workers and still remain friends.  A fight is just a way of letting out frustrations and everyone needs to do that now and then.  The people who do not know how to fight freak me out a little bit.  It feels like your entire world with them is superficial, like walking on egg shells, and never knowing if everything is ok.  

     There are a few people in my life that I let slide.  Some are going through things, others are criers ( you simply can not have a fight with a crier).  My mother is one of them these days.  This is the same woman who chased me around the house with inanimate objects flying in my direction because I was to fast to catch, the wonders of old age. I am not by any means advocating fighting, but if you can not fight and make up then you can not be real.  The reality of life is not always pretty, sometimes it is downright ugly.  You have to put on your big kid clothes pick yourself up and move on.  

     I openly admitted to my bad behavior this week for the world to see.  I absolutely admit I overreact to some things in life. My daughter thinks I am nuts because for years I thought she would get kidnapped walking  a mile to the store, now I worry about her going out for a run.  But seriously folks I have been mugged 4 times in life!  Yes I know I have really bad luck but have a knife to your throat or a gun to your head enough times and you see the world a little different. I had a roommate develop paranoid schizophrenia and although we were trying to help he still tried to kill me and another roommate.  Life is full of challenges and you have to get past them.  I have overcome 9 major crisis in my life and give myself a hell of a pat on the back.  I got my boxing gloves on and I face the world each day with a smile.  Now and then I have a melt down and truly believe everyone deserves one.  If your family and friends can not get through it with you then they are not really your support system.  

     The key to fighting is remember the rules....

1.  Rule 1 - Absolutely no physical contact over the age of 12,  children hit big kids do not.

2.  Rule 2 - Take nothing personally even when it is. People get ugly when they are hurt or mad and say things they do not really mean.  They might feel it but you don't say some things out loud for a reason.

3.  Rule 3 - Follow that same rule and don't drag mud in the house.  Fight about the problem at hand not what happened last week or last month.

4.  Rule 4 - Never leave an argument with out settling it. Do not go away or go to bed mad.  It will only fester and become bigger then it is.

     Follow these simple rules and have a go at it.  

I Have Not Been Myself

Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back

     Have you ever woke up and been absolutely in love with your life?   I have been lucky enough to have the moment many times over the years.  Those days are almost corny, like the beginning of Cinderella when she is singing to all her forest friends. Yup I mean so disgustingly happy that the only way to describe it is through a Disney film.  For me it is usually brought on by an accomplishment of some sort, or getting to do something I really love in life.  What ever your happy is you know that moment I am talking about.  

     I have spent the past couple years recreating myself.  I was on a mission to finish what I started 23 years ago.  At the age of 19 I set off to live out my dreams and see the world.  I had an incredible, crazy, awesome,and sometimes dangerous 8 years of self exploration.  Unfortunately I ended up more lost then when I started my journey, but it was a hell of a ride!  The next 10 years were defined more by tragic occurrences happening repeatedly by my own inability to leave a bad situation.  There are often moments in life we would like a chance to change, for me that moment is the spring of 1997.  I had just come to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mom in 8 short months.   I knew only one thing, her co-creator was not the daddy type and certainly was very bad for my existence. My roommate felt differently and spilled the beans.  We decided we were going to give this a try and moved back to my hometown to begin our journey into adulthood.  Now he actually had some very good daddy moments that surprised me over the years.  He could swaddle better then anyone I knew, sing her to sleep, and play pretend pretty darn well. Then there was the time he got her a full size drum set for her 2nd Christmas, no you could not see her, but she had a blast banging away on it.  He was there for her first step, and taught her how to ride a bike, overall he had good times with her.  

     Our relationship however was toxic to both of us.  He honestly had a complete inability to stay in a monogamous relationship.when we met he was the tender age of twenty and his number of partners was already at close to fifty by what we could tell.  Yes I know I should have run right then.  By the time we had separated for the last time that number had doubled. He also had a complete inability to keep a job, so fiances were always my responsibility.  He was at times cute and goofy and charming.  He had a lot of passion for his career and for music. Had we stayed separated the first time we may have remained friends. Instead we kept coming back together, his drinking, cheating, and general life skills took a nosedive and I berated him for it.  This only led to more drinking and what was an emotionally and financially toxic relationship turned downright violent.  I shut down and became a ghost in the mirror.  I lost all of myself until one day I could take no more and left for good.  

     It took 6 months for me to learn to sleep again.  It took 1 year to really laugh for the first time.  It took 5 years to figure out how to live life my way all over again.  I found my independence, my spirit, my confidence.  I once again was in charge not only in my work life but in my personal life as well.  It felt good to be working my way back up from the grave I was in.  I was OK.

     This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and had to be completely honest with myself.  I have taken 4 steps back and it is not a pretty sight.  There is no Disney film to describe this moment. I am once again keeping my mouth shut, needlessly worrying about things I have no control over, and in general acting like the mouse I had become for survival back then.  Only problem is,  this is my problem now.  I am not in danger and life is good, but for some reason my self is running scared.  I am doing stupid things, not taking care of business, and in general acting like an idiot.  I may sound a bit harsh, but seriously I need a reality check here.  So today I looked in the mirror with complete disgust and said "no more"!  I will not make stupid decisions, I will not keep quiet, I will be myself and either people will like me or not. I can not control what other people think about me and honestly never had a problem with friends that I did not create myself.  I have always kept people at a distance, but that's my fault not theirs.  I will take care of business and in 6 short months the final part of my journey back will be complete.  I will once again be a homeowner.  This means more to me then just about anything.  It will be my final step, my way of feeling accomplished, and it will not matter that I will have no furniture to put in it, all sold off long ago, it will be mine. I will lay in the middle of the living room floor like in my first house and just grin from ear to ear.  This will be my final step forward, and I know the next 10 years are going to be amazing.  

Respect

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you...

     We all grew up with that little saying.  It was taught to us at an early age usually by a parent or friend who found us crying from a friend or siblings mean words.  In the late 90's we began to talk about bullying and how devastating it was to our children. As the years progressed and the internet and social networking blossomed bullying took on a whole new meaning.  Today we hear of suicides from online attacks and they have websites kids can join that will literally spam someone hateful, hurtful tweets, postings, and emails.  Can you imagine getting 10,0000 post in one day that says "your ugly", "your unwanted", " you should kill yourself".  Words can hurt and words can kill.  This is not someone else problem.  I promise you no matter how perfect your child is at some point they have made someone cry in their lifetime.  We as a society have got to come up with solutions for the world wide reach of the internet.  The internet and social networking are not going away so how do we make it a safer world for our children and in turn ourselves?  

     Children who are bullied at home often bully others in school.  The first step then is to watch what you say to your children.  I remember my own daughter getting picked on in the first grade by this little girl a year older.  I began to notice that every morning at drop off this little girls mom berated her all the way to the front door and most likely all morning as well.  My heart broke for her as she was just lashing out from all the terrible feelings she had inside of her.  I showed my daughter several times and she began to understand and not let her bother her anymore.  This little girl so damaged by her own mother, grew up to be a "mean girl".         Mean girl is a term made popular by the television series but they have been around for a very long time. These are the kids who appear popular and travel in cliques that intentionally target individuals and bring them down as low as they can, like a game.  This is not new.  They learned this behavior at home watching their parents and listening to the way they talk about their own friends and associates.  They will go on to become the same parent and raise the same kids.  This is a cycle of violence just like any other.  

    Step two then would be awareness of the families that your children hang out with and awareness of your own friends and associates.  As adults we can make choices with whom we associate with.  We may have to work with people we do not like but we certainly do not have to maintain friendships with them.  We also have a greater ability and responsibility to speak up when we hear adults behaving badly.  This is most obvious on playing fields across the country.  We hear parents berating their children all the time in the middle of games and practices.  Many teams have curbed this by throwing out parents who can not be respectful but it still occurs.  Make sure your team does not tolerate bad parents. We also can hear colleagues and bosses talk down to our fellow employees. Do not agree just to keep the peace.  

     Step three is not to allow it in your own life.  This is probably the most difficult step of all.  How often have our own loved ones, children, spouses, significant others hurt our feelings.  Why do we put up with it and accept it as ok.  Remember the little girl that picked on my daughter.  Do you think someone who grew up with a lifetime of attacks even knows that they are hurting your feelings, lowering your self esteem, tearing you apart.  Chances are many people do not even realize that they are saying something hurtful.  This entire story was born from a comment from someone in my own life last night.  I know for a fact that he has no idea that my feelings are hurt.  I know he has no idea that he even said anything wrong.  It is often the people we care about most that can hurt us the worst.  I sit here slightly damaged but unable to tell him because I don't want to seem silly or worse yet have my feelings dismissed.  The cycle does not go away until we take charge and create the world we want to live in, until we surround ourselves with good people.  We must be the ones to make a world for our children to grow up in that is tolerant and a bit kinder. This world needs a couple generations of good people to make it right again.  Our world, country, economy, friends, family, and children are relying on this generation to make things right.  Start today and start at home, raising your children with a good firm love that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.