Mondays.

Awakening

      I love Mondays. I love fresh starts and new beginnings. Yesterday a friend asked for the link to my blog. I write this for me. It has been very cool to see people all over the world read it. In the end this is my therapy. I realized after I sent the link that I had not touched it in months so I cleaned it up a bit and wrote something new. In the process I read the entire blog from start to finish and then went to sleep. I woke up feeling refreshed and alive! I realized that as difficult as the past two months have been I am only making it more difficult for myself by playing pretend. I am not a sales woman. I do not enjoy the game. 

     Sometimes the best thing in life we can do for ourselves is to acknowledge what we are not!  I can sell. I can lead. I can make a living doing what I am doing. I am cheating my heart by continuing to do this.

     I am a counselor. Long before college and degrees and training I was always the counselor, the caretaker, the one everyone turned to for advice. This is what made my heart happy. This is what I must do again. So today I make a promise to myself. Today I will begin the journey back into counseling and running support groups. I will even begin to figure out a way to go back and finish my masters degree so that I can continue my journey. Today I will be me. What better week to make a life decision. My birthday is this week and I believe birthdays are a start of the new year. I do not make resolutions on New Years Eve. I make them on my day. Birthday resolutions are purposeful, meaningful, private and a birthday is a reminder that life is about changing and growing. What will you do this year? Life is short. Make your years count for something good. 

Do You Remember?

Do You Remember Who You Were Before the World Told You Who To Be?

     When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor.  At some point that turned into a marine biologist.  Both were great aspirations for a little girl in the 70's.  I loved helping people and animals.  There were no barriers or doubts.  I could be anything I wanted to be as a precocious 7 year old.  The world was open, the possibilities were endless. 

     At the end of 6th grade before we entered junior high we took a placement test and apparently my math skills were not that great.  I was placed in a lower math then all of my friends and this devastated me.  I did not want to go to junior high.  This awesome transition was now tainted by my supposed stupidity.  My family began placing limitations on my dreams.  I could be a nurse or a vet assistant.  My all time favorite was " it's ok you will marry well"! 

   What the hell!  Why was this done, why is this done to children all over our country every day!  If a school system sees a problem they should fix the problem not look for an easy way out! Back then ADD was not a thing.  I was on a first name basis with principle and guidance counselors due to my complete inability to stay in my seat or play practical jokes on other kids. My teachers could not read my written work because it was always jumbled and out of order, but I was allowed to answer the questions verbally and still pass.  I would not find out until college that I also had dyslexia.  

     In my teens I threw myself full force into dancing.  Choreographers did not care about my grades, just my ability to pirouette. I was not a great dancer!  I was good, but not great and I knew I never would be.  This began my transition into writing, theater and film.  In my mind this still did not require education.  I had given up on myself as soon as everyone else gave up on me.  The crazy part is the amount of knowledge it takes to put on a show or make a film is insane!  The math and science alone needed to make sets, shoot characters at every possible angle, understand the lighting, I could go on and on.  

     I went to college a bit later in life.  I took a few years off and worked for a film studio and wrote plays on the side.  When I applied to college it was kind of a joke.  I really did not think I had a chance in hell of getting in.  I applied to one college, not a small school by any means, and was accepted!  I was in shock and suddenly very scared of what would happen next.  My second week of school an amazing teacher pulled me aside after class and asked if I would go to the student assistance center for some testing.  I was not sure what he expected to find but I went.  My life has never been the same.  For the first time in my life someone validated me.  I was not stupid!  I was ecstatic! I made some very simple changes to the way I did things and 4 years later graduated with a 3.8 GPA.  I was hopeful and full of promise, I really could be a doctor!  I had moved onto and fell in love with psychology at that point and was going to become a psychiatrist.  Life of course had different plans, but I still want it and the difference is I know I could do it.  

     Do you have a child that struggles?  I beg you to take an interest, fight for your child!  Do not shoot down their hopes and dreams because a standardized test told you to.  Find a better way and do not stop until you find it.  To be a parent is to be so many things, but most of all it is to be an advocate for someone to young to fight their own battles yet.

Where Has Time Gone

TIME GOES TOO QUICK

     It seems like yesterday that all the children graduating this year were just babies themselves.  In many ways so many of them still are.  They say each generation is getting younger and less ready for the world, I really think these guys need a few more years to be kids.  I just can not see them as grown men and women. I still remember one of them in his mom's belly!  He has grown up to be a good young man, still unsure of what he wants to do in life.  So much like the other.  This young man I only met one short year ago.  It seems like a lifetime as I have watched him change and grow. He talks of being a marine and as amazing as that is it scares me to death. The third is a friends daughter who is vibrant and full of life.  She was such a lost little soul just 2 short years ago.  Now she will be joining the army and fighting for our country.  

     What happened to college and more time to grow and be a kid?  The services is the only way most kids can afford college these days.  What does it say about our country when we out price education to the extent that military service is almost the only option? One has already graduated and 2 more get their diplomas tomorrow.  I will rejoice in the amazing young people they have become.  I will surely shed a tear for what their future may hold.

Another Year Older

Age is A State of Mind

     Six months ago I had every intention of laying on a tropical beach with a cold drink in my hand for my birthday.  Instead I am stuck in what has become a mini Alaska with more snow on the way.  There is something not quite fair about this!!!  Things do not always work out the way we plan and I have had some pretty amazing birthdays so I guess I should not complain....But WHAAAAAAA!!!! I really wanted to go away to someplace warm!  

     This will be a quiet birthday this year.  I have clients in the morning after what is sure to be a two hour delay.  My friend and I will try and fit in a birthday lunch if the showings do not run too late.  A sandwich and a cupcake kind of day.  Sometimes they are the most special.  Other friends who are currently on a tropical island have promised me a steak dinner when they get back.  I have recently come off the vegetarian band wagon again and I told them all I want for my birthday is a juicy, seasoned, medium rare NYS steak!  My mouth is watering thinking about it.  It is the only reason I started eating meat again and I have yet to have a steak.  Mardi Gras is around the corner so we will all be together and eat , drink, and be merry!  Good friends and good times are all I need in life.

Transition

Growing up.....

     There comes in a time in life when you must decide what is right for someone else, even if it is not what you want.  This is called growing up.  We go through these changes several times in life.  Children learn to share their toys with a friend they really like.  Siblings learn to share their lives to keep the peace in a home they must also occupy.  Teens learn to compromise with parents and employers for the first time so that they may have the freedom they so desire.  The list goes on with each stage in life.

     This weekend I came to realize that I value the friendship I have with someone and do not want to lose it.  I enjoy his company, appreciate his opinion, and love to hear his stories.  I do not want to lose this in my life.  So I grew up a little more and I am working on building this friendship and letting go of the relationship.  It does not mean I don't love him, but love comes in many forms.  I am not good for him in the way I would like to be, but I know the real me, the one I keep hidden from him, will mesh well with his personality.  So it begins, the long journey into a life long friendship that will take time to build.  He keeps a lot inside and it will take time to earn his trust to really become friends, but the wait will be worth it.  In time he will see what a mess I am and lecture me on my life choices like my other buddies.  

     

New Years Resolutions and Other Lessons

My Resolution is Simply to Live in the Present...

     I do not make New Years resolutions.  I feel like they are a set up for failure even for the strongest of my friends.  Every year in January my gym is flooded with newbies who have made a resolution to get fit.  Not that I am against it, I think its great! I just change up the time I go so I can avoid the temporary crowd.  What bugs me is by February It's like they were never there at all!  Same old faces as before the holidays and we chat and sweat and get through the cold early mornings together.  I think if you are going to resolve to do something then you should commit yourself to it 100%.  I also think any resolution fueled by a night of drinking is probably a bad idea!  

     This year I want to try a small resolution mainly due to my new found freedom from myself.  I have kept a fortress around myself for 40 years and lived really well.  This year for the first time ever I let the wall come down and at the ripe old age of 42 I am getting through my very first broken heart.  It is almost comical that all the things I heard girls say all my life I am feeling for the first time.  It is a very liberating experience, and truly amazing because as an adult I can do something the younger me could not have.  I can take responsibility.   I allowed my past to mess with my present and I have no one to blame but me.  So in honor of the new year I simply resolve to live in the present, be my true self, love deeply, and love often.  Life is to short to live a false life.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!