Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.

How to fight 101

No Fighting No Biting

     When I was a kid that book was read to my cousin and myself a million times.  This was mainly to help my aunt keep her sanity as we were always bickering over something.  Fighting is an essential part of child hood development.  Children need to learn to stick up for themselves.  There are too many adults these days that have no idea how to properly fight.  I can have a knock down full blown match with my family and friends and still sit down to dinner an hour later.  I can have a much more subdued brawl with my boss or co-workers and still remain friends.  A fight is just a way of letting out frustrations and everyone needs to do that now and then.  The people who do not know how to fight freak me out a little bit.  It feels like your entire world with them is superficial, like walking on egg shells, and never knowing if everything is ok.  

     There are a few people in my life that I let slide.  Some are going through things, others are criers ( you simply can not have a fight with a crier).  My mother is one of them these days.  This is the same woman who chased me around the house with inanimate objects flying in my direction because I was to fast to catch, the wonders of old age. I am not by any means advocating fighting, but if you can not fight and make up then you can not be real.  The reality of life is not always pretty, sometimes it is downright ugly.  You have to put on your big kid clothes pick yourself up and move on.  

     I openly admitted to my bad behavior this week for the world to see.  I absolutely admit I overreact to some things in life. My daughter thinks I am nuts because for years I thought she would get kidnapped walking  a mile to the store, now I worry about her going out for a run.  But seriously folks I have been mugged 4 times in life!  Yes I know I have really bad luck but have a knife to your throat or a gun to your head enough times and you see the world a little different. I had a roommate develop paranoid schizophrenia and although we were trying to help he still tried to kill me and another roommate.  Life is full of challenges and you have to get past them.  I have overcome 9 major crisis in my life and give myself a hell of a pat on the back.  I got my boxing gloves on and I face the world each day with a smile.  Now and then I have a melt down and truly believe everyone deserves one.  If your family and friends can not get through it with you then they are not really your support system.  

     The key to fighting is remember the rules....

1.  Rule 1 - Absolutely no physical contact over the age of 12,  children hit big kids do not.

2.  Rule 2 - Take nothing personally even when it is. People get ugly when they are hurt or mad and say things they do not really mean.  They might feel it but you don't say some things out loud for a reason.

3.  Rule 3 - Follow that same rule and don't drag mud in the house.  Fight about the problem at hand not what happened last week or last month.

4.  Rule 4 - Never leave an argument with out settling it. Do not go away or go to bed mad.  It will only fester and become bigger then it is.

     Follow these simple rules and have a go at it.  

The Watering Hole

This is like home to me...

     What I am about to say will make absolutely no sense to most of you.   I am going to miss my new home.  To me a bar is like an old friend, a place to call home, a place you can always find a friend.  To the 10% of you that get this " cheers"! I was literally raised in the bar business.  The look of the familiar wood bar tops with rounded corners and some very simple or very intricate etchings and moldings are like a favorite childhood toy.  The sight of all the different bottles and brews and glass wear are like beautiful jewelry to other girls.  The odd smell of wood polish, beer, booze, and smoke are a comforting smell to me.  The old man at the end of the bar, the young visitors in the middle and the regulars at one end usually closest to where the bartender spends his or her time.  These are all comforting sights and remind me of home.  My family was made up of bartenders, servers, managers, bookies, broads, and boozers.  It may sound funny but back then kids in bars were pretty common and I made a mint on handstands from the regulars!  I never ran short of quarters to play pacman and pinball.  I heard stories and language that most parents would be appalled at these days but to me it was normal.  It was home to me and that strange and wonderful crowd was my family.  

     Since that time I have always lived with in walking distance to a favorite pub. When I say pub I mean a bar's bar.  Not a nightclub, or an upscale restaurant bar, nothing fancy and a wide range of people.  A place where people get to know you and welcome you in.  A few years ago I was transplanted to the suburbs for the first time in 20 years.  I thought my life was over.  There were no decent bars where I felt home in.  There were chains and a couple places that just did not strike me.  One day just a little over a year ago, a friend asked me to join her at this little unknown bar in the bottom of an old brick schoolhouse.  A private place, a dive bar.  OH I was so totally in!  This even sounded like my kind of place before I walked in.  I knew immediately I had found a new home.  The crazy part was it had been so long since I had a comfortable place to hang out I felt uncomfortable!  It took a while for me to gather up the courage to go in by my self.  This was completely unlike me but this was different, this family was  a little tighter then most.  

     The past year has been a good time and I have met amazing and wonderful people.  If you recall my first post Insomnia Used To Be Fun I have found my 3 am coffee shop in the burbs.  There are so many types with stories to tell I could write another full play based on these characters alone.  I really appreciate all of them.  There comes a time in life when you know that this home is only borrowed, rented, not a permanent dwelling.  I used to joke that if things did not work out between the man I was dating and myself that I would give up my membership and disappear, it was after all his home since its birth and I was merely a visitor.  What I did not realize is one day I would eat those words.  The time has come, he is gone, and I realized last night that I care too much to be comfortable hanging out while he meets the next one. So off I will go to find a new home.  This time of year , if you are a regular in a pub then you understand, is the worst time of year to do this!  The Christmas season can be hectic and your bar family understands your sudden desire to run screaming from the mall straight into a stool with a comforting drink, a smoke, and a friendly nod of appreciation from the parent two stools down.  New years eve, you need to be around friends with all the drinking and debauchery that goes on!  Your friends will have your back when you have one to many. I have no doubts I will find a place to go for New years but there will be a lot less celebrating so I can watch my own back.  Yes I will find a new home, I already have one in mind, a little farther drive and a lot more expensive, but comfortable.  Change is inevitable but I don't have to like it.

Family Strong

It's Been My Privilege

      Just a few short months ago a party was held for an amazing woman.  I did not know at the time that she was amazing,  I knew in advance that she had been battling cancer for some time.  I knew that she wanted to have a blow out party in case her upcoming operation did not go well.  I did not know what family looked like until I met this bunch of wild, crazy, amazing and loving women and their odd man out brother.  I could not tell she was sick, I could not tell if she was afraid but that night I saw a light and energy surrounding her and all her family.
     A few days later she endured an 15 + hour operation to remove a tumor that was intertwined with her intestines. What started out as ovarian cancer had spread.  She again made it through and things were looking good.  I have to believe the support of her family made all the difference in the world.  Sometimes that is just not enough.  A few weeks later her body began to fail her and she was put on hospice.  Her brother welcomed her and the entire family into his home, his man cave if you will.  His world was turned upside down but in a good way.  I could tell he lived for this.  He likes to be needed and likes family around.  He had a renewed spirit that I knew existed somewhere inside of him but rarely get a chance to see.  This is the side of him I like best.  This is the side I fell in love with but am only privy to in stories from his past.  I hope one day to share in that spirit and be a part of that world.
    The first week or so went really well.  The sisters and friends rallied around her for support.  Her twin daughters were so very strong.  I can not imagine if I were in their shoes how hard it would be.  There were make overs and spa days and 24/7 care.  Again the spirit and energy that emits from this crew is incredible. Each one so very different yet so very similar.   This past weekend was not as joyful.  She went through the stages of denial and  still wanting to fight, through to acceptance and learning to let go all in the course of a week. Only love is capable of making this happen.  The support of a strong family makes all the difference in the world
     The final 48 hours were the most amazing to witness as an outsider this time.  Offering to help where I could, sometimes just being there to talk and share in the stories they shared about her life.  The family still rallied around, helping each other now and letting her know it was ok to let go.
     I am not a religious person but I am in awe of that final day.  Her brother left his phone at home and when he realized it went home to retrieve it. At the same moment in time she was slipping away. There is no denying the possibility that this was meant to happen this way.  At the end her daughter heard her say "God?" as if she could see him standing before her. This brave young women told her it was ok, then she simply said "ok" and slipped away.
If ever there were words I would want to here a loved one say in their final moments that would be it.  There was not going to be a funeral or service so they all had a chance to say their final goodbyes in the comfort of the home, surrounded by each other.  I can not think of anything better.  I always disliked funerals because they never felt comforting, this was exactly that.  They could be themselves and laugh and joke and cry all together.  Nothing stuffy or formal but so perfectly them.  Later that evening the clan gathered for drinks and in a bar I have been in hundreds of times, in walked regulars but with a monkey in tow.  The ultimate distraction walked right through the door.  It made everyone laugh and smile and feel a little better because animals have a way of doing that.  The entire reason we keep pets is generally very selfish reasons, they make us feel good.  Even the date could not be more fitting.  she fought an entire extra day when by no means should her body have held on that long.  She passed away on Halloween. She loved children and worked with them with a passion, so for her day of remembrance to be on a childrens holiday could not be more fitting.
     The house is quiet again and I am pretty sure dad and son miss the noise already.  I still feel the energy, something has changed.  I know she is there.  This tough bear of a man gained a new connection with a family he had lost for so long.  This connection was so very much needed in his life. She will live on not just in their hearts but in that renewed connection as well.  I can not help but think she is smiling down here on that very thought.  Although I know she did not know it at the time, her passing birthed new life.  Family is precious and often taken for granted.  For those with strong family ties can not realize how lonely it is for those with out.  She brought two families back together again and I really believe that connection will remain.  There is a positive to all tragedy. I have seen it in my own life and now I see it in theirs.  It has been a privilege.