New Years Resolutions and Other Lessons

My Resolution is Simply to Live in the Present...

     I do not make New Years resolutions.  I feel like they are a set up for failure even for the strongest of my friends.  Every year in January my gym is flooded with newbies who have made a resolution to get fit.  Not that I am against it, I think its great! I just change up the time I go so I can avoid the temporary crowd.  What bugs me is by February It's like they were never there at all!  Same old faces as before the holidays and we chat and sweat and get through the cold early mornings together.  I think if you are going to resolve to do something then you should commit yourself to it 100%.  I also think any resolution fueled by a night of drinking is probably a bad idea!  

     This year I want to try a small resolution mainly due to my new found freedom from myself.  I have kept a fortress around myself for 40 years and lived really well.  This year for the first time ever I let the wall come down and at the ripe old age of 42 I am getting through my very first broken heart.  It is almost comical that all the things I heard girls say all my life I am feeling for the first time.  It is a very liberating experience, and truly amazing because as an adult I can do something the younger me could not have.  I can take responsibility.   I allowed my past to mess with my present and I have no one to blame but me.  So in honor of the new year I simply resolve to live in the present, be my true self, love deeply, and love often.  Life is to short to live a false life.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!

OH DEAR LORD!!!!

So a friend says to me.....

     Right now I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. A new but increasingly good friend says to me, " it will get better".  I have to believe her because she is in the middle of a divorce and has not died yet.  I jokingly told her I was going to join the online matchmaking sites like another friend of ours and just start dating everyone.  I could also try actually saying yes to the dates I get asked out on. So I head to what is sure to be a completely dead open house due to the weather and jump on my laptop.  I pick 2 easy sites and sign up so I can look at the pics and profiles.  After an hour of looking I text her and say "soooo how about happy hour"? I did see one gentleman I found seriously cute but really no one else caught my eye.  We make a pact to jump into the dating scene together. We will pick one night and a different spot each week to go out with the soul purpose of dating in mind.  If nothing else we will have fun making fools of ourselves because she is a nut by nature.  I will do a " It's 5:00 Somewhere"  update each week to let you know how it goes.  It may even get its own page if dating is anything like it used to be!

All I Want For Christmas

It is not about the money.....

     This year has been a time for change.  I have a new office, new friends, brand new babies in the family, and a fresh start to my life.  The past few weeks have been hectic.  Usually by now I have all my Christmas shopping done and just spend the week before Christmas making cookies and visiting friends.  To me Christmas is not about the gifts but the time you spend with friends and family.  I always felt like it was a magical time but for different reasons.  People have a sense of hope and a kindness over this holiday that you do not find the rest of the year.  I enjoy everything about this season, the snow, the lights, the laughter, baking, and giving.  Unfortunately I was ill for several weeks and then my daughter came down with a double dose of strep so that with work left no time to shop.  Today, the day before Christmas eve, I went on a mission and came out a champion.  I left the house at 7 am and alternated shopping with appointments all day until all was accomplished.  I even had time for dinner with an old friend whom I do not see nearly enough. The funny part is the gift I love the most only cost me ten dollars and will most likely not be appreciated for the thought that went into it.  That is ok because it brings me joy to give it.  This one was thought of weeks ago, as the original gift was bought 2 months ago but ran into a very expensive snag.  Each gift I buy is bought just for that person.  I do not do fillers or buy things just to buy them, as a gift should mean something or not be given at all.  If you go to the trouble to get in your car, go to a store, purchase something with your hard earned money, go home and wrap it then really there should be some thought behind it.  Some of the best gifts I have ever received cost only a few dollars but were special because the person giving it to me knew it was perfect for me.  

     I am a lover of warm drinks.  I love a good cup of coffee, all kinds of tea, and in the winter I can not get enough hot cocoa.  One year my roommate made a basket with literally dozens of specialty teas, coffees and cocoas that lasted me for months.  It made my winter extra special and every time I drank a cup I thought of her and smiled.  Another friend went thrift shopping for months to find a dozen different broaches because we were required to wear them at work.  I had a special one for each season and holiday that made work more fun.  For mothers day one year my 6 year old daughter went to a bookstore with her dad.  She was on a mission to find the perfect mothers day gift and she knew I loved to read.  She picked a huge red book from the bargain section called " Serial Killers Through Out History" It was a nonfiction and started in the 1700's through modern day.  When she told the lady at the check out counter it was for her mommy for mothers day ( looking very proud) the woman began to question her selection.  Her dad said nothing, but my tiny little girl shot right back, " my mommy is a counselor and works with special people who need help all day long, trust me she will love it", and I did.  

     I have to admit I spent an obscene amount of money for my little budget today, but that was because of last minute shopping and no time to bargain hunt.  I will have to work a little harder this winter to make up for it, but I know that no gift was bought with out thought and all will be appreciated.  As for me the only thing I want for Christmas I know I can not have, so I will enjoy my time with family and friends and let the magic of the season warm me.  Next year will be different, but for now my Christmas gift will have to wait.  

A Perfect Day

Sometimes it is the little things...

     I got a full 6 hours sleep last night and woke up in the best mood.  There was a slight drizzle outside but it is December and 60 degrees so I could not pass up the opportunity for a nice long walk.  The mountains were beautiful, the birds were chirping and the rest of the world was still asleep.  This is my idea of a perfect morning. 3 miles later and slightly wet I felt completely renewed.  

     My day keeps getting better as I got lots of work done went on to my next destination and had a fantastic conversation with a female pastor.  I never know who will walk through my door at work but it is quiet every Sunday and I always welcome the company.  I am the only agent I know that invites random people to sit down and talk about life , but I am always fascinated by stories and the different types of people I meet always leave me entertained.  We talked about several different topics and shared our knowledge of each.  Then came my Sunday regulars checking in on their homes progress, also very lovely people.  They are from California and on the outside seem like complete opposites, but still very in love over 50 years later, something works! 

     My final destination today may prove to not be as wonderful as the rest, I already hear wind of drama and I will not be in the door for another 2 hours.  I vow right now not to let it spoil my mood.  I like being happy.  I know that sounds corny but I am generally a very happy person and its been a rough couple of weeks.  I want this renewed spirit to remain through the new year.  I can not change the world but I can certainly make my corner a little better place to live.

Almost There

A Time to Rest.....

     Well it certainly has been an interesting week.  I can feel a change coming on, a peace returning, everything is ok.  Most of the gifts are bought, the house smells like cookies, and the fireplace is lit.  These things all make me happy.  It is amazing how pain can completely derail your life.  This past 10 days has probably been the worst one yet, probably brought on by stress.  I got very little done and was an emotional wreck.  I bit off the heads of just about everyone in my family, and made lots of apologies.  Now it is time to move on and enjoy the holidays.  Monday and Tuesday I will finish up shopping, do more baking and lots of wrapping.  It is currently 60 degrees out so I think a white Christmas is out of the question, but we had 2 pretty snowfalls so far.  Life is good here and I count my blessings everyday that I have the life I do. There are so many people out there who do not have a good life and I understand that even though I don't have much I have everything I need.  

Baby's Daddy's and Other Stuff

Remember When The Night Began At 10?

     I do not sleep much.  I can not sit at home, it drives me insane.  Do you remember when you were in your 20's and even 30's and never thought of going out before 10 pm on the weekend.  That concept works for us old heads as well.  Kids are home maybe asleep and a sitter can take over for a couple hours.  Unless of course that sitter is the childs father.  I had plans with 2 girlfriends tonight.  Ladies night downtown.  We don't go downtown often but when we do it is always a guaranteed good time.  As of 9 pm neither girl has heard from the father of their children - let me preface they are friends and probably out together right now.  This means that 2 hours of primping and pampering are now going to waste on what is sure to be a date with the good old boob tube tonight.  I feel bad for them as they only get out once a month or so where my child is older and I have more freedom.  I do remember the days, the fights, the baby daddy drama. With me it was not about going out, I was lucky enough to bartend in a hot spot on the weekends and we always partied after.  Friday and Saturday was mom's night out through the guise of work. I actually thought it was pretty clever.  However I really wanted to get my master's degree and my child's father blocked that every way possible.  He was already mad I had gone back to college and got my bachelor.  There was no way he was going to let me get my Masters.  Eventually I had to withdraw because he would say he was going to babysit and once again not show up.  I do love the fact that he actually referred to it as babysitting and I am pretty sure he wanted paid for watching his own child.  

     These ladies are in a similar situation and probably is why we bonded.  They are fantastic and strong single moms who chose the wrong guy.  There is actually a network made just for strong women who had children to the ultimate bad boy and then realized what that meant.  We had a toast we used to do " Young ladies in black stilettos, looking fierce tonight, your hair, your nails, the fake tan too, my you look fly for the hot single guys.  Here's to the bad boys you will do tonight, own it work it take him home , but wrap it up tight cuz in the morning he'll be gone."  I know seems corny now but in the club days we thought we were hot shit.  Tiny, toned, curvaceous, tanned and highlighted with nails bright red and teeth bright white.  We always traveled in packs and never paid a dime.  I believe this is where the show Jersey Shore came from.  

     The thing is we actually worked our asses off.  We worked hard, studied hard, played hard, and rested on Sundays.It does not seem like the kids in those shows actually work.  

     Well I am off to pick up my own child and call it a night.  By the way it is 9:47 on a Friday.

Decisions

Timing is Everything

     Never make a permanent decision based on a temporary feeling.  Sometimes you have to go with your gut.  My gut has never steered me wrong.  My head and my heart on the other hand have taken me down many a bad roads.  If it takes more then a day to make a decision then I have to believe the decision has already been made.  I may ponder over small stuff in life.  I may spend weeks thinking about a hair cut or a pair of shoes, but the big stuff I just know, I go with my gut.  When I decided to move away from home there was no planning or forethought, I packed my little ford escort up and headed south.  When I decided to finish my college degree I applied and enrolled right before the fall semester began.  I will spend years at the same job but leave with no warning but an official 2 weeks notice.  I just know when it is time to go.  

     The same holds true for sticking with something or trying something new.  I know when it is right for me, but that does not mean it is right for everyone involved.  Unfortunately there are times in life when you feel in your gut that something is right but you are only half the equation.   I may really like a job or career path that I am on but if I am not benefiting the company with my skills then no matter how happy I am I still may have to go. The same holds true for friendships.  Not all friendships are made to last.  Some are great for a short time and serve their purpose in the lives of those involved, but at some point people grow and change and need to separate.  If you are the one waiting for the decision to be made it can be very difficult.  I have found it to be true that if the other party is taking a long time to say if they want to stay or go, they have already gone.  You may never know why.  With a job you can ask for explanation but I myself have saved an employees feelings by sugar coating the firing.  It is more difficult with friends, and most difficult in relationships.  People generally do not want to hurt people so they cover up the truth with niceties. 

     People leave for all kinds of reasons.  All I can say is take solace in the fact that it is rarely as personal as it seems.  Our lives our shaped my thousands of experiences and sometimes we just don't fit the mold of what the other person wants. Don't wait around to be punished.  If someone wants you in their life they will unmistakably let you know.  They won't want you to walk out the door.  If they don't care then you will know that too, in your gut.  They will have no problem watching you leave.  Hold your head high and know that there will come a day when that job, or friend, or lover will fit perfectly with all your experiences and will not want to let you go.

Until then live with no regrets, don't be afraid to take chances, and walk away with your head held high to the next adventure in life.  We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Stop Yer Bitchin.....

Not to offend you but....

     Excuse my bitch session.  I am so tired of hearing about the insurance debate.  I have a Facebook acquaintance that post his opinion on our President and the health care plans several times a day. He has insurance.  I have several friends who hold the same opinion.  They have insurance.  I have many friends who bitch and moan about their aches, pains, colds, and general well being.  They have insurance.  Most of them do not go to the doctors, act 20 years older then their age, have easily fixable medical conditions, and prefer instead to gripe and moan like a bunch of crotchety old folks in a nursing home.  I actually think they act worse some days.  

     Do they realize what those of us stuck in the middle would do for health insurance?  The million Americans that make to much for medical assistance, but don't make enough to pay for private health insurance. Our jobs do not offer health insurance and believe it or not that extra 3-5 hundred a month for a private plan would literally do us in.  

     I am a chronic pain sufferer.  I live with it everyday of my life.  I last slept through the night 6 days ago.  I am about to lose my mind from exhaustion.  I can do nothing about it.  I go about each day with a smile on my face and pretend I am fine because there is no other option.  I come up with home remedies that make the pain tolerable.  Right now it has been between a 7-9 for days and to avoid thinking about it I work extra shifts just to keep moving.  I would be so grateful to have affordable healthcare.  I am not looking for a handout.  I am not looking for freebies.  I just want a plan that will still allow me to put food on the table.  To have the option of going to the doctor and find out for sure what is wrong instead of just guessing and trying home remedies would be the best feeling in the world.  I do not think those of you who have always had insurance can even imagine what it is like to not see a doctor for 20 years.  Those of you who get strep throat or an ear infection and just go get a pill, you can not imagine battling it for 3-5 weeks until your body fights it off.  Those of you with a toothache and go see a dentist can't imagine suffering for a year until the tooth falls out.  Those of you who get a headache from your eyes and go get a pair of glasses, many just suffer and use a lot of eye drops.

     The battle for affordable healthcare is just beginning.  The problem is not with us or the doctors, or the insurance companies.  It is with the suppliers who charge thousands of dollars for cotton balls, that of course is an exaggeration.  However in other countries where universal healthcare does work there will never be a pill that cost $120.00 a piece. I do not care how we make it work but it needs to work.  We need to have affordable healthcare in this country.  For those of you silently cursing me right now, I bet you have insurance.

Just sayin.....

Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.

How to fight 101

No Fighting No Biting

     When I was a kid that book was read to my cousin and myself a million times.  This was mainly to help my aunt keep her sanity as we were always bickering over something.  Fighting is an essential part of child hood development.  Children need to learn to stick up for themselves.  There are too many adults these days that have no idea how to properly fight.  I can have a knock down full blown match with my family and friends and still sit down to dinner an hour later.  I can have a much more subdued brawl with my boss or co-workers and still remain friends.  A fight is just a way of letting out frustrations and everyone needs to do that now and then.  The people who do not know how to fight freak me out a little bit.  It feels like your entire world with them is superficial, like walking on egg shells, and never knowing if everything is ok.  

     There are a few people in my life that I let slide.  Some are going through things, others are criers ( you simply can not have a fight with a crier).  My mother is one of them these days.  This is the same woman who chased me around the house with inanimate objects flying in my direction because I was to fast to catch, the wonders of old age. I am not by any means advocating fighting, but if you can not fight and make up then you can not be real.  The reality of life is not always pretty, sometimes it is downright ugly.  You have to put on your big kid clothes pick yourself up and move on.  

     I openly admitted to my bad behavior this week for the world to see.  I absolutely admit I overreact to some things in life. My daughter thinks I am nuts because for years I thought she would get kidnapped walking  a mile to the store, now I worry about her going out for a run.  But seriously folks I have been mugged 4 times in life!  Yes I know I have really bad luck but have a knife to your throat or a gun to your head enough times and you see the world a little different. I had a roommate develop paranoid schizophrenia and although we were trying to help he still tried to kill me and another roommate.  Life is full of challenges and you have to get past them.  I have overcome 9 major crisis in my life and give myself a hell of a pat on the back.  I got my boxing gloves on and I face the world each day with a smile.  Now and then I have a melt down and truly believe everyone deserves one.  If your family and friends can not get through it with you then they are not really your support system.  

     The key to fighting is remember the rules....

1.  Rule 1 - Absolutely no physical contact over the age of 12,  children hit big kids do not.

2.  Rule 2 - Take nothing personally even when it is. People get ugly when they are hurt or mad and say things they do not really mean.  They might feel it but you don't say some things out loud for a reason.

3.  Rule 3 - Follow that same rule and don't drag mud in the house.  Fight about the problem at hand not what happened last week or last month.

4.  Rule 4 - Never leave an argument with out settling it. Do not go away or go to bed mad.  It will only fester and become bigger then it is.

     Follow these simple rules and have a go at it.  

The Watering Hole

This is like home to me...

     What I am about to say will make absolutely no sense to most of you.   I am going to miss my new home.  To me a bar is like an old friend, a place to call home, a place you can always find a friend.  To the 10% of you that get this " cheers"! I was literally raised in the bar business.  The look of the familiar wood bar tops with rounded corners and some very simple or very intricate etchings and moldings are like a favorite childhood toy.  The sight of all the different bottles and brews and glass wear are like beautiful jewelry to other girls.  The odd smell of wood polish, beer, booze, and smoke are a comforting smell to me.  The old man at the end of the bar, the young visitors in the middle and the regulars at one end usually closest to where the bartender spends his or her time.  These are all comforting sights and remind me of home.  My family was made up of bartenders, servers, managers, bookies, broads, and boozers.  It may sound funny but back then kids in bars were pretty common and I made a mint on handstands from the regulars!  I never ran short of quarters to play pacman and pinball.  I heard stories and language that most parents would be appalled at these days but to me it was normal.  It was home to me and that strange and wonderful crowd was my family.  

     Since that time I have always lived with in walking distance to a favorite pub. When I say pub I mean a bar's bar.  Not a nightclub, or an upscale restaurant bar, nothing fancy and a wide range of people.  A place where people get to know you and welcome you in.  A few years ago I was transplanted to the suburbs for the first time in 20 years.  I thought my life was over.  There were no decent bars where I felt home in.  There were chains and a couple places that just did not strike me.  One day just a little over a year ago, a friend asked me to join her at this little unknown bar in the bottom of an old brick schoolhouse.  A private place, a dive bar.  OH I was so totally in!  This even sounded like my kind of place before I walked in.  I knew immediately I had found a new home.  The crazy part was it had been so long since I had a comfortable place to hang out I felt uncomfortable!  It took a while for me to gather up the courage to go in by my self.  This was completely unlike me but this was different, this family was  a little tighter then most.  

     The past year has been a good time and I have met amazing and wonderful people.  If you recall my first post Insomnia Used To Be Fun I have found my 3 am coffee shop in the burbs.  There are so many types with stories to tell I could write another full play based on these characters alone.  I really appreciate all of them.  There comes a time in life when you know that this home is only borrowed, rented, not a permanent dwelling.  I used to joke that if things did not work out between the man I was dating and myself that I would give up my membership and disappear, it was after all his home since its birth and I was merely a visitor.  What I did not realize is one day I would eat those words.  The time has come, he is gone, and I realized last night that I care too much to be comfortable hanging out while he meets the next one. So off I will go to find a new home.  This time of year , if you are a regular in a pub then you understand, is the worst time of year to do this!  The Christmas season can be hectic and your bar family understands your sudden desire to run screaming from the mall straight into a stool with a comforting drink, a smoke, and a friendly nod of appreciation from the parent two stools down.  New years eve, you need to be around friends with all the drinking and debauchery that goes on!  Your friends will have your back when you have one to many. I have no doubts I will find a place to go for New years but there will be a lot less celebrating so I can watch my own back.  Yes I will find a new home, I already have one in mind, a little farther drive and a lot more expensive, but comfortable.  Change is inevitable but I don't have to like it.

To Be Completely Honest.....

I Could Not Face The Truth

     They say honesty is the best policy and insanity is the best defense.  I suppose we have all been there at some point in our lives.  Last night I did something I never dreamed I could do.  I took the cowards way out.  It was not even a way out but a complete loss of reason.  I told someone that means the world to me that I could not be a part of their life anymore via text message.  If there ever was a defense for such an asinine move then 4 shots in 30 minutes brought on by the fact that I did not see his car in the parking lot before I went in might ease my guilt a bit.   It does not.  

    This past summer I met a man.  Yes I know nothing for the record books but for me it was a big step.  My friends have been bugging me to start dating again for a long time now.  It had been 5 years since I truly put myself out there.  I thought it was time to test the waters and I had my eye on a man at my local watering hole. From the little I knew about him he was a man's man.  Kind of rough and tough and a little to straight forward.  He was also the entertainer, the good time guy.  I figured he was perfect.  A few dates a few drinks and no strings attached.  Well someone should have warned me the reason it never worked out with anyone else is because I always dated boys, and apparently this man was my type of guy.  I fell too hard too fast and tried like mad to deny it.  He would not let me.  He saw right through me and literally drug the word love right out of my mouth.  This rough and tumble guy danced with me and quietly sang the songs in my ear, I melted at that moment and every time after that he did this.  When we cuddled he would remark how perfectly we fit together and he was right.  I never felt so safe next to someone in my life.  You will here mention of him in other post on here. Family Strong is my favorite.  

     We had a perfect summer which is what made fall so difficult.  Life took over and there was less and less time together.  He did not seem to mind, did not seem concerned.  Maybe I think too much or maybe I felt like we were going backwards.  I wanted to feel the security I felt with him over the summer.  I wanted to know that I still meant something to him.  Last month I told him we needed to talk, I needed to talk.  Let me preface this with I am a tomboy in some ways. I grew up playing army, riding huffys and building forts.  I love football and drinking beer and don't believe in marriage.  So when I act girly it throws people off.  That was his response.  "Don't get all girly on me". and then he went away.  He really did not go away but my text were answered less and less and my phone calls were declined.  He would insist nothing was wrong and go into one of his infamous stories from his past.  The only thing I really know about his past is that he slept with a lot of people, cheated on some and felt bad when he got caught.  What I want to know is his favorite memory from childhood, his favorite vacation, even his favorite color would be nice.  I am not sure why just about every story ends with or begins with this girl or that but it sure does not help me to feel anything good about where we were at.  He thinks I don't trust him and you can't build a relationship on suspicions. ( a song he sang at karaoke last night) Well then stop telling me about all your misgivings and try living life in the present for a while!!! A relationship can also not last if two people can't fight and make up! I can't keep my mouth shut and be happy.  I need to let it out sometimes and know its ok.  A healthy relationship is built on these experiences, not just good times.  If good times is all you want then Do Not bring the word love into it!
     The thing about not believing in marriage is that we believe twice as much in the power of love. It is not even that marriage is out of the question, but the relationship is what is most important, not the paper or the ring.  I believe in being in love.  It is easy to say you love people but it takes work to stay in love with your partner.  It takes special moments, date nights, quality time, alone time away from each other, random acts of kindness, and fighting like cats and dogs.  Love requires work and no paper or ring can guarantee that someone will want to work for you, to hold onto you, to make sure you know your importance in their lives.  I have rearranged my schedule to his so that we could have time together.  I went from working 80 + hour weeks 7 days a week to 50 hours and 5 days.  My schedule is more flexible so it seemed the appropriate thing to do.  If I had not then we would not have made it past September.  In doing this I took a financial hit but was gaining something much more valuable.  I was gaining time and a life for the first time in a long time.  The trade off was worth it.  I still remember the day I looked at him in a room full of people in his home and knew I had fallen in love.  At that moment nothing else mattered.  For everything he was and for everything he was not, I loved all of him.  Unfortunately I could not tell him with so much going on.  I don't know if I could have anyway as he has stated several times that he will never love any woman again the way they want to be loved.  I guess in his mind you only get one shot and for him his first wife was it.
     Why put myself out there then.  I believe you can have several great loves and I know he is one.  But if he can never feel the same way then why try?  The answer is simple for me.  I have to love and I have to let my feelings be known.  It is who I am.  I can not live life in a box and I have crawled into a shell this past month to avoid the pain of losing him, until the night I did.
     Saturday night I lost him and I can tell he does not get why.  It is all about respect for someones feelings.  We had been at a charity event during the day and he had been drinking.  Afterwards I had to get home to my daughter so I could not go to the after party.  A storm was moving in and I need tires so I did not want to drive in it. It was not even a question in my mind that we would see each other later.  I never heard from him again that night.  I saw his son who had not heard from him.  The storm was bad and he had now been drinking for 9 hours.  I was worried he was in a ditch somewhere.  All the nights of my past came flooding back.  My dad, my daughters dad, my roommate, all the nights waiting up to know if someone was dead or alive.  I shut down.  My walls went up.  I broke up with him by a text and ran for my life.  Was it the right thing to do?  I know in my heart I love him.  I know I am in love with him.  I also know he has a rule.  Once things are done they are done, no going back.  I know this to be true as I see and have heard all the stories off his past.  I don't think I was wrong to be upset for many things over the past month. I just want him to know that my love was real.  for me no part of this was a fling. I hope he finds what ever he is looking for in life.  I truly love his spirit and his smile and want him to be happy. What a way to end this crazy year... 

Appearances Are Everything

Procrastination is the practice of carrying out less urgent tasks in preference to more urgent ones, or doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ...

     I am waiting for a client.   There are a dozen things I could and should be doing.  Instead I sit here looking up the definition of procrastination.  I am well aware of the actual definition as it defines my life.  To the outside world I am the walking definition of a hard worker.  To my immediate family, ( my mother and child), I am a complete mess skating by on very thin ice.  This is the very reason I created Angela.  I needed an outlet for the real me.  The woman who is far from perfect and never quite sure how I make it from one month to the next.  

     I was raised in a home where appearances are everything.  We always left the house with a smile and dressed to face the world.  It did not matter that five seconds beforehand we were tearing each others heads off, to the world we were just "fine".  I hate the word "fine".  By definition the word fine indicates everything is ok.  In reality this word is usually a cover for several different emotions.  None of which actually mean that all is right with the world.  

1.  Parent to child - " Fine, I will deal with you later." A spanking or grounding is in their very near future.

2.  Child to parent - " Fine, I will do it now." I hate you to my soul!

3.  Woman to man- " Everything is just fine"  I am ready to have a complete meltdown but won't give you the satisfaction of seeing it because you should already know I AM NOT FINE!!!

4.  Man to woman - " Yeah babe I'm fine" In actuality he really is fine.  ( Men are much easier to read) 

     The more stressed I am, the more I procrastinate.  Right now my stress level is somewhere around an 11 and I am getting a ton of miscellaneous organizing accomplished.  I am even preparing next years sales goals.  I actually do need to prepare those but in December not at this very moment.  I need to push through this month and sell 3 more properties or it will be a very unhappy holidays for everyone in my world.  With this sad image of a barren Christmas tree on Christmas morning I think I will end this thought for today.  There is no backup plan in my world.  I am my own team and if I don't make it happen no one else will.  So for the sake of making sure Santa Clause comes to town I will say farewell, adios, ciao, adieu, sayonara, you get the point.    :-)

I Have Not Been Myself

Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back

     Have you ever woke up and been absolutely in love with your life?   I have been lucky enough to have the moment many times over the years.  Those days are almost corny, like the beginning of Cinderella when she is singing to all her forest friends. Yup I mean so disgustingly happy that the only way to describe it is through a Disney film.  For me it is usually brought on by an accomplishment of some sort, or getting to do something I really love in life.  What ever your happy is you know that moment I am talking about.  

     I have spent the past couple years recreating myself.  I was on a mission to finish what I started 23 years ago.  At the age of 19 I set off to live out my dreams and see the world.  I had an incredible, crazy, awesome,and sometimes dangerous 8 years of self exploration.  Unfortunately I ended up more lost then when I started my journey, but it was a hell of a ride!  The next 10 years were defined more by tragic occurrences happening repeatedly by my own inability to leave a bad situation.  There are often moments in life we would like a chance to change, for me that moment is the spring of 1997.  I had just come to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mom in 8 short months.   I knew only one thing, her co-creator was not the daddy type and certainly was very bad for my existence. My roommate felt differently and spilled the beans.  We decided we were going to give this a try and moved back to my hometown to begin our journey into adulthood.  Now he actually had some very good daddy moments that surprised me over the years.  He could swaddle better then anyone I knew, sing her to sleep, and play pretend pretty darn well. Then there was the time he got her a full size drum set for her 2nd Christmas, no you could not see her, but she had a blast banging away on it.  He was there for her first step, and taught her how to ride a bike, overall he had good times with her.  

     Our relationship however was toxic to both of us.  He honestly had a complete inability to stay in a monogamous relationship.when we met he was the tender age of twenty and his number of partners was already at close to fifty by what we could tell.  Yes I know I should have run right then.  By the time we had separated for the last time that number had doubled. He also had a complete inability to keep a job, so fiances were always my responsibility.  He was at times cute and goofy and charming.  He had a lot of passion for his career and for music. Had we stayed separated the first time we may have remained friends. Instead we kept coming back together, his drinking, cheating, and general life skills took a nosedive and I berated him for it.  This only led to more drinking and what was an emotionally and financially toxic relationship turned downright violent.  I shut down and became a ghost in the mirror.  I lost all of myself until one day I could take no more and left for good.  

     It took 6 months for me to learn to sleep again.  It took 1 year to really laugh for the first time.  It took 5 years to figure out how to live life my way all over again.  I found my independence, my spirit, my confidence.  I once again was in charge not only in my work life but in my personal life as well.  It felt good to be working my way back up from the grave I was in.  I was OK.

     This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and had to be completely honest with myself.  I have taken 4 steps back and it is not a pretty sight.  There is no Disney film to describe this moment. I am once again keeping my mouth shut, needlessly worrying about things I have no control over, and in general acting like the mouse I had become for survival back then.  Only problem is,  this is my problem now.  I am not in danger and life is good, but for some reason my self is running scared.  I am doing stupid things, not taking care of business, and in general acting like an idiot.  I may sound a bit harsh, but seriously I need a reality check here.  So today I looked in the mirror with complete disgust and said "no more"!  I will not make stupid decisions, I will not keep quiet, I will be myself and either people will like me or not. I can not control what other people think about me and honestly never had a problem with friends that I did not create myself.  I have always kept people at a distance, but that's my fault not theirs.  I will take care of business and in 6 short months the final part of my journey back will be complete.  I will once again be a homeowner.  This means more to me then just about anything.  It will be my final step, my way of feeling accomplished, and it will not matter that I will have no furniture to put in it, all sold off long ago, it will be mine. I will lay in the middle of the living room floor like in my first house and just grin from ear to ear.  This will be my final step forward, and I know the next 10 years are going to be amazing.  

A Little More

In The Blink of an Eye

     It is early Saturday morning. I went downstairs to make breakfast when I looked outside and was dumbfounded.  There are no leaves on the trees in my backyard.  When did that happen?  The mountains still show signs of color but it is dwindling fast.  Where did fall go?  This is quite possible the first year with none of my favorite activities.  There was no camping, hiking, drives in the mountains, time to enjoy all the beautiful colors.  I am so depressed right now.  I know there are so many more big things in life to worry about.  In the great big picture of life this is nothing, but in my own little corner this is everything.  So for today I mourn the loss of a season, because in reality it does signify a much bigger problem and that worries me a little more then a little bit.

What Makes A Holiday Special?

Fourth of July?

    The stores are stocked, the commercials have hit the air, and the radio stations have begun playing holiday songs. Yes it is the first week of November and apparently Christmas has arrived.  I actually began seeing Christmas displays in early October, before Halloween, seriously I understand economics and the need for any excuse to increase revenue, but October?  For as long as I can remember my favorite holiday was the Fourth of July.  I mean how can you not love a holiday that's sole purpose is celebration?  Think about it.  the Fourth of July is an outdoor celebration involving friends, family, fireworks, and cook outs. There is no religious connotations or separations.  There are no gifts, or pressure to please, very few decorations, and plenty of space for everyone to be together with out killing each other!  Now look at the winter holiday season.  First is the separation of at least 4 major religious celebrations.  There is no one moment everyone celebrates.  Next is the pressure to buy presents for family, friends, bosses, teachers, coaches, your cleaning lady, hairdresser, mailman, oh and don't forget your kids, and nieces and nephews, god children, uggg I am exhausted and broke just thinking about it! No wonder they start holiday sales in October.  It takes that many paychecks to afford all that!  

     Now I don't want you to think me a Grinch. I am actually quite the opposite of the mean old Grinch.  I adore Christmas.  I am already watching Hallmark Movie Channel religiously and I do not watch TV on a normal basis the rest of the year.  I watch football, the news, and a when time allows I pull up things on Netflix.  This time of year I watch a years worth of television in 2 months.  I am playing Christmas music in the car and driving my daughter nuts, and yes I have made a secret batch of Christmas cookies for fun.  

     What makes the holidays special for me is the magic.  I love sitting in front of the fireplace with the tree all lit up.  I love snow falling in the moonlight.  I really love time with friends and family.  I am not a religious person but every Christmas eve I watch midnight mass with the Pope on TV.  This may seem funny but I am not baptized so I did not grow up with a church.  To me Midnight Mass seems like the real deal,  it is peaceful and calming and unadulterated. I enjoy baking and the holidays are an excuse to go to town.  This time of year should go by so slowly.  It should be a time to relax and energize both your body and your mind. For centuries winter meant exactly this. People did not farm, or travel, or run around in the cold dead of winter. Modern inventions mean we no longer have downtime.  People work and travel and run around 7 days a week.  We have even lost the supposed 7th day of rest!  When I was a kid very few things were open on Sundays.  This meant few people worked and there was no place to go.  We simply relaxed or visited family.  In the winter when it snowed schools actually closed and people stayed home.  I miss this life.  This is what the winter holidays mean to me.  The magic is in the waiting, relaxing, and in the peace that you can only feel after a good heavy snowfall. Did you ever listen to just how quiet it is during a snow storm? The air is so heavy sound just does not travel.  

     I still love Fourth of July the best of all holidays, but the magic of Christmas is in the air and I fully intend to enjoy it, my way, at peace.  As for all the gifts, I believe in giving and think everyone should get one special gift. I buy local, love small business Saturday, and hand made gifts as well.  I will never get caught up in Black Friday or holiday deals, or the toy of the season.  It is the spirit of giving, not the price or quantity of the gifts that count. 

Happy Holidays...

     

Sweet Sixteen

Oh to be young again

     My darling daughter is turning 16 in two short months.  It is hard to believe and it has been a hell of a ride.  She is an amazing girl.  I am not just saying this because I am mom.  We have definitely had our moments and went through a really rough spell just recently.  She is smart, funny, artistic, and most important in this family, she is witty. I really do love everything about her!  Her most endearing quality however is her most major flaw.  My daughter never has had any concept of what things really cost.  She really and truly does not understand money.  The current topic of conversation is of course about a car.  She knows somewhere deep down that a car cost money, insurance cost money, gas cost money.  I am thinking first car should be around 3-5 thousand.  It should be safe and well maintained.  After all my darling daughter does NOT HAVE A JOB!!!

    Today, while at school she is car shopping on her phone, my tax dollars going to good use. I get a slew of text messages saying how she has found the one, she is in love, lots of little hearts and such.  At first I think she is talking about her boyfriend, then I worry she is not talking about her boyfriend.  Then I get it, the picture, the object of her desire.

I almost burst out laughing.  I mean it is a sweet jeep and I want it too!  Only 40,000 miles, I mean who owns a jeep and keeps it locked up.  That is a sin Jeeps are meant to live rough and live well! I almost burst out laughing because of the comment " and it's only $24,000".  This is a good deal in her mind.  She does not think that I currently work 2 jobs just to keep us going now.  She does not realize that this is absolutely not something I can afford.  To her it is no different then a day of shopping.  I have some work to do!

     My first car was a 1985 Ford Escort with no engine.  Seriously the car was my dads and when the engine blew up he said if you can fix it you can have it.  So I did just that, put in an engine, ( I had been working since 13 so this was doable) and off I went.  The freedom was amazing.  I can not remember a time in my life when freedom meant so much.  I drove everywhere just to drive.  Gas was 86 cents a gallon back then so we all drove just for fun.  I maintained that car like a baby.  She never missed an oil change or tune up and in return she took me all over the east coast for 11 years of my life.  

     Since that first car it should be noted that I have never owned a new car.  This is by choice not by circumstance.  I have to drive a lot for a living and I can put up to 30 thousand miles a year on a car.  Do the math on that gas and you know why I have a second job!  I drive my cars into the ground then after 5 years I get another.  I have never paid more then 12 thousand and always get my money out of them.  They are always nice newer midsize cars like a Malibu or Impala.  I look for cars that are young with high miles.  A salesman drove it and usually highway miles so they really are not in bad condition.  This has never steered me wrong.  I hope to pass this philosophy on to my daughter and that it will benefit her well.  But for now I will let her dream.  After all that is what being 15 is all about.  The dream to drive, the dream of freedom, the dream of a cool car.  Who knows maybe I will win the lottery before then!  Guess I would get my dream jeep as well if that happens!

 Old school.....

A Home For Everyone

A house is not a home until you make it your own.

     I absolutely love days when everything falls into place.  About two months back I ran into a gentleman I had not seen in several years.  I had worked with his wife until she passed away from cancer.  He randomly walked into my open house during a busy day and I only had a moment to say hello and see how he had been.  A few weeks later we met and he told me someone had knocked on his door and wanted to buy his home.  Yes that really does happen!  We talked and I contacted the couple to go over the process with them.  When I took them through the home I knew it belonged to them.  It is important that your home fits who you are.  In this case it was more important that the home would continue to be well cared for.  My friend had built the home with his wife and letting it go was going to be an emotional experience, but he wants and needs a smaller place and less maintenance.  

     The deal almost did not happen as disagreements on price cropped up.  After touring other homes I could see her first choice was still the only choice.  It was her home and my friend knew she would care for it well.  Today an agreement was reached and I am soaring.  

     I remember every space I ever lived in.  Some places meant more then others, but none have ever been home.  I know what it looks like.  I can see it in my mind, in my dreams, and one day it will exist.  For my friend that was his time.  That was the home that meant the most.  For the new buyers, this will be that place, a place to call home.  

My Idea Of A Good Time

Nothing makes me happier then a good group of friends around a camp fire. 

Respect

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you...

     We all grew up with that little saying.  It was taught to us at an early age usually by a parent or friend who found us crying from a friend or siblings mean words.  In the late 90's we began to talk about bullying and how devastating it was to our children. As the years progressed and the internet and social networking blossomed bullying took on a whole new meaning.  Today we hear of suicides from online attacks and they have websites kids can join that will literally spam someone hateful, hurtful tweets, postings, and emails.  Can you imagine getting 10,0000 post in one day that says "your ugly", "your unwanted", " you should kill yourself".  Words can hurt and words can kill.  This is not someone else problem.  I promise you no matter how perfect your child is at some point they have made someone cry in their lifetime.  We as a society have got to come up with solutions for the world wide reach of the internet.  The internet and social networking are not going away so how do we make it a safer world for our children and in turn ourselves?  

     Children who are bullied at home often bully others in school.  The first step then is to watch what you say to your children.  I remember my own daughter getting picked on in the first grade by this little girl a year older.  I began to notice that every morning at drop off this little girls mom berated her all the way to the front door and most likely all morning as well.  My heart broke for her as she was just lashing out from all the terrible feelings she had inside of her.  I showed my daughter several times and she began to understand and not let her bother her anymore.  This little girl so damaged by her own mother, grew up to be a "mean girl".         Mean girl is a term made popular by the television series but they have been around for a very long time. These are the kids who appear popular and travel in cliques that intentionally target individuals and bring them down as low as they can, like a game.  This is not new.  They learned this behavior at home watching their parents and listening to the way they talk about their own friends and associates.  They will go on to become the same parent and raise the same kids.  This is a cycle of violence just like any other.  

    Step two then would be awareness of the families that your children hang out with and awareness of your own friends and associates.  As adults we can make choices with whom we associate with.  We may have to work with people we do not like but we certainly do not have to maintain friendships with them.  We also have a greater ability and responsibility to speak up when we hear adults behaving badly.  This is most obvious on playing fields across the country.  We hear parents berating their children all the time in the middle of games and practices.  Many teams have curbed this by throwing out parents who can not be respectful but it still occurs.  Make sure your team does not tolerate bad parents. We also can hear colleagues and bosses talk down to our fellow employees. Do not agree just to keep the peace.  

     Step three is not to allow it in your own life.  This is probably the most difficult step of all.  How often have our own loved ones, children, spouses, significant others hurt our feelings.  Why do we put up with it and accept it as ok.  Remember the little girl that picked on my daughter.  Do you think someone who grew up with a lifetime of attacks even knows that they are hurting your feelings, lowering your self esteem, tearing you apart.  Chances are many people do not even realize that they are saying something hurtful.  This entire story was born from a comment from someone in my own life last night.  I know for a fact that he has no idea that my feelings are hurt.  I know he has no idea that he even said anything wrong.  It is often the people we care about most that can hurt us the worst.  I sit here slightly damaged but unable to tell him because I don't want to seem silly or worse yet have my feelings dismissed.  The cycle does not go away until we take charge and create the world we want to live in, until we surround ourselves with good people.  We must be the ones to make a world for our children to grow up in that is tolerant and a bit kinder. This world needs a couple generations of good people to make it right again.  Our world, country, economy, friends, family, and children are relying on this generation to make things right.  Start today and start at home, raising your children with a good firm love that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

     

Family Strong

It's Been My Privilege

      Just a few short months ago a party was held for an amazing woman.  I did not know at the time that she was amazing,  I knew in advance that she had been battling cancer for some time.  I knew that she wanted to have a blow out party in case her upcoming operation did not go well.  I did not know what family looked like until I met this bunch of wild, crazy, amazing and loving women and their odd man out brother.  I could not tell she was sick, I could not tell if she was afraid but that night I saw a light and energy surrounding her and all her family.
     A few days later she endured an 15 + hour operation to remove a tumor that was intertwined with her intestines. What started out as ovarian cancer had spread.  She again made it through and things were looking good.  I have to believe the support of her family made all the difference in the world.  Sometimes that is just not enough.  A few weeks later her body began to fail her and she was put on hospice.  Her brother welcomed her and the entire family into his home, his man cave if you will.  His world was turned upside down but in a good way.  I could tell he lived for this.  He likes to be needed and likes family around.  He had a renewed spirit that I knew existed somewhere inside of him but rarely get a chance to see.  This is the side of him I like best.  This is the side I fell in love with but am only privy to in stories from his past.  I hope one day to share in that spirit and be a part of that world.
    The first week or so went really well.  The sisters and friends rallied around her for support.  Her twin daughters were so very strong.  I can not imagine if I were in their shoes how hard it would be.  There were make overs and spa days and 24/7 care.  Again the spirit and energy that emits from this crew is incredible. Each one so very different yet so very similar.   This past weekend was not as joyful.  She went through the stages of denial and  still wanting to fight, through to acceptance and learning to let go all in the course of a week. Only love is capable of making this happen.  The support of a strong family makes all the difference in the world
     The final 48 hours were the most amazing to witness as an outsider this time.  Offering to help where I could, sometimes just being there to talk and share in the stories they shared about her life.  The family still rallied around, helping each other now and letting her know it was ok to let go.
     I am not a religious person but I am in awe of that final day.  Her brother left his phone at home and when he realized it went home to retrieve it. At the same moment in time she was slipping away. There is no denying the possibility that this was meant to happen this way.  At the end her daughter heard her say "God?" as if she could see him standing before her. This brave young women told her it was ok, then she simply said "ok" and slipped away.
If ever there were words I would want to here a loved one say in their final moments that would be it.  There was not going to be a funeral or service so they all had a chance to say their final goodbyes in the comfort of the home, surrounded by each other.  I can not think of anything better.  I always disliked funerals because they never felt comforting, this was exactly that.  They could be themselves and laugh and joke and cry all together.  Nothing stuffy or formal but so perfectly them.  Later that evening the clan gathered for drinks and in a bar I have been in hundreds of times, in walked regulars but with a monkey in tow.  The ultimate distraction walked right through the door.  It made everyone laugh and smile and feel a little better because animals have a way of doing that.  The entire reason we keep pets is generally very selfish reasons, they make us feel good.  Even the date could not be more fitting.  she fought an entire extra day when by no means should her body have held on that long.  She passed away on Halloween. She loved children and worked with them with a passion, so for her day of remembrance to be on a childrens holiday could not be more fitting.
     The house is quiet again and I am pretty sure dad and son miss the noise already.  I still feel the energy, something has changed.  I know she is there.  This tough bear of a man gained a new connection with a family he had lost for so long.  This connection was so very much needed in his life. She will live on not just in their hearts but in that renewed connection as well.  I can not help but think she is smiling down here on that very thought.  Although I know she did not know it at the time, her passing birthed new life.  Family is precious and often taken for granted.  For those with strong family ties can not realize how lonely it is for those with out.  She brought two families back together again and I really believe that connection will remain.  There is a positive to all tragedy. I have seen it in my own life and now I see it in theirs.  It has been a privilege.

Sleepless Ramblings

Every Decade Begins Anew.

     I remember 12.  I remember my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first feeling of absolute power!  This moment will happen several times in your life if you are lucky, more often if you are blessed with true confidence.  I learned early on that being pretty was a passing thing but confidence was something no one could resist.  I may not be a cheerleader or a model or even cute, but I could wear confidence like a pair of Manolo Blahniks.  This has gotten me very far in life, farther then I earned or deserved in most situations. In most jobs I was often promoted quickly due to my fantastic knowledge base ( confidence).  In school I was given better grades by arguing my point ( confidence) and in social situations I became mama due to being wise beyond my years ( confidence). Now do not get me wrong I am not an idiot and I always worked diligently to uphold what I was given, but the most ironic part of this story is my absolute lack of confidence.       In my teens I was confident that I could make every boy a friend so that my fears of dating would not be noticed.  I made myself love sports to hang with my buddies.  In my twenties I had to date to appear somewhat normal so I used crutches to become the party girl I was not.  In my thirties I lived with someone who completely destroyed what was left of my self respect but stayed out of fear or maybe a fear of failure.  

     Now I am in my forties and I am spent.  I have nothing left to give but I am not giving up.  If  I could fake it for 40 years damn it I can fake it until I make it now!  At work and with friends I can seem in control.  With strangers I am in complete control!  I made a fantastic bartender for that reason alone.  I could flirt and advise with the best of them.  With people who get close to me, well forget about it.  I am a complete idiot with no sense of self or even ability to put together a decent thought!  Seriously why is it I can run a support group or take the stage and talk to 500 people with no problem, but put me one on one and I clam up.  

    Confidence is sexy if you wear it well.  I can wear it for everyone except the people that really matter.  Now I realize that means that I am just pretending and it is not real, I do get that.  I have always believed if you run enough miles you can call your self a runner. I believed that if I acted confident long enough then I would be confident!  Will someone please tell me when exactly that will occur!  Yes at this point in my life I want an exact date and time.  I do not want to be the grand nanny in a nursing home at 90 keeping every one else going strong.  I want it now, the power and courage and confidence to pursue my goals and dreams, and to be who I feel inside. I will not sit back and enjoy the ride anymore.  I want to drive the car and be in control of my own life for a change.  I want the people who matter most to me to respect me and trust me. 

   It is time to be 12 again and feel the power that a kiss can hold.  I am confident, and I am proud, and I can do this thing called life.  I do not have all the answers but I sure as hell will not stop trying to find them.  The next 40 years will be amazing.  That is what I call sexy...

Random Rant

You Just Don't Understand!

     How many times did we say those words as teenagers?  How many times do we have to hear them as parents?  My darling daughter is now 15 years old and apparently never talking to me again with any form of love in her heart.  She walks around looking sullen, sad, no down right miserable all the time.  Sorry let me correct that, she looks this way when she is around her family.  I suppose many parents go through this.  The once loving, doting, adorable child that smiled and laughed on a daily basis suddenly disappears and an alien being invades the home.    She still can not remember to do her one and only chore or keep a house key on her, but has dreams of driving in a few short months!  I don't think so is my current mantra.  She says I can not understand what she is going through, that times are different, she says " you did not even have the internet when you were my age"! 

     Wow, she is right we had the party line on a phone with a cord! I am soooo old!  I am 42 by the way and really can not believe the world has changed so much in my lifetime.  I am pretty sure that we still had boys, drinking, drugs, and drama when I was 15.  I am also sure that I disliked my parents for much more significant reasons! I am most sure that her life is not nearly as horrible as she feels at this moment.  

     The thing that kills me the most, this is where single and divorced parents can relate, her father can do no wrong.  He is cool and understands her, he gets it. Well of course he does he is less mature then the boys her own age!  I spent years teaching my daughter not to use the word hate.  But that does not even begin to describe my feelings for her father.  His broken promises, inability to keep a job, refusal to help in any financial way or my favorite his refusal to babysit his daughter led us to be where we are in life.  I will admit it is 100% my fault that I let him back in our lives not once, not twice, but three times! Sometimes it was a true desire that he and our daughter would be close.  Then there were the times I was just downright afraid of the consequences.  She lost her school, and we lost our house from those broken promises.  I lost my ability to trust a man for years.  I also hid everything from her, so in all fairness she does not know the half of it.  

     For most of her life I held 2 jobs to make ends meet.  My degree is in social services so that does not pay the bills.  For the last 6 years since we lost the house, which was in my name, and I left him for good,  I have been busting my butt to give her everything she wants and repair my credit.  After I left I was afraid to be in a place he would come to so I moved us in with my mother for a year.  My mother became ill during that time and so we stayed longer.  I could have moved last year but she is in constant need of large sums of money for her activities.  This has made saving a down payment very difficult. I continue to work 2 jobs and still try and live a life now and then. 

     For the first time in 17 years I am dating someone new.  He is the complete opposite of her dad and an amazing man.  My daughter refuses to accept this.  She literally told me I can wait to date until she goes away to college! Her father has been dating, living, and fully supported by a young gal for the last 6 years who my daughter gets along with.  She will not even acknowledge that my friend exist.  I have met and like both of his children and most of his family.  He has not met anyone on my side which I know has to bug him.

    "You just don't understand"!   These words are on the tip of my tongue all the time but never come out.  How is it that a man who payed nothing for you, did nothing for you, finds it difficult to find the time to spend 4 hours a week with you while he is unemployed for years at a time, how is he the good parent?  I just don't understand!  I would like to have a partner of my own, someone who will love me and I can love back for the first time ever, but I am not allowed?  I just don't understand!  

    I do understand the sacrifices many a parent has made over the years to make sure their children grow into happy, healthy, productive adults.  I hear the echos of those words everywhere.  I have made a thousand sacrifices for her that she will never fully understand, and I would do it all over again.  I just wish she could understand the depth of my love for her and how much I need and want her love in return.  Someday perhaps she will know.  I do not wish my life on her.  I want her to have a perfect life.  I want her to find love and adventure and peace.  My wish for her is simple, complete happiness, that is my wish for her in what ever she does in life.  

     I do understand.  she just will not know that for 20 years.