Do You Remember?

Do You Remember Who You Were Before the World Told You Who To Be?

     When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor.  At some point that turned into a marine biologist.  Both were great aspirations for a little girl in the 70's.  I loved helping people and animals.  There were no barriers or doubts.  I could be anything I wanted to be as a precocious 7 year old.  The world was open, the possibilities were endless. 

     At the end of 6th grade before we entered junior high we took a placement test and apparently my math skills were not that great.  I was placed in a lower math then all of my friends and this devastated me.  I did not want to go to junior high.  This awesome transition was now tainted by my supposed stupidity.  My family began placing limitations on my dreams.  I could be a nurse or a vet assistant.  My all time favorite was " it's ok you will marry well"! 

   What the hell!  Why was this done, why is this done to children all over our country every day!  If a school system sees a problem they should fix the problem not look for an easy way out! Back then ADD was not a thing.  I was on a first name basis with principle and guidance counselors due to my complete inability to stay in my seat or play practical jokes on other kids. My teachers could not read my written work because it was always jumbled and out of order, but I was allowed to answer the questions verbally and still pass.  I would not find out until college that I also had dyslexia.  

     In my teens I threw myself full force into dancing.  Choreographers did not care about my grades, just my ability to pirouette. I was not a great dancer!  I was good, but not great and I knew I never would be.  This began my transition into writing, theater and film.  In my mind this still did not require education.  I had given up on myself as soon as everyone else gave up on me.  The crazy part is the amount of knowledge it takes to put on a show or make a film is insane!  The math and science alone needed to make sets, shoot characters at every possible angle, understand the lighting, I could go on and on.  

     I went to college a bit later in life.  I took a few years off and worked for a film studio and wrote plays on the side.  When I applied to college it was kind of a joke.  I really did not think I had a chance in hell of getting in.  I applied to one college, not a small school by any means, and was accepted!  I was in shock and suddenly very scared of what would happen next.  My second week of school an amazing teacher pulled me aside after class and asked if I would go to the student assistance center for some testing.  I was not sure what he expected to find but I went.  My life has never been the same.  For the first time in my life someone validated me.  I was not stupid!  I was ecstatic! I made some very simple changes to the way I did things and 4 years later graduated with a 3.8 GPA.  I was hopeful and full of promise, I really could be a doctor!  I had moved onto and fell in love with psychology at that point and was going to become a psychiatrist.  Life of course had different plans, but I still want it and the difference is I know I could do it.  

     Do you have a child that struggles?  I beg you to take an interest, fight for your child!  Do not shoot down their hopes and dreams because a standardized test told you to.  Find a better way and do not stop until you find it.  To be a parent is to be so many things, but most of all it is to be an advocate for someone to young to fight their own battles yet.

All I Want For Christmas

It is not about the money.....

     This year has been a time for change.  I have a new office, new friends, brand new babies in the family, and a fresh start to my life.  The past few weeks have been hectic.  Usually by now I have all my Christmas shopping done and just spend the week before Christmas making cookies and visiting friends.  To me Christmas is not about the gifts but the time you spend with friends and family.  I always felt like it was a magical time but for different reasons.  People have a sense of hope and a kindness over this holiday that you do not find the rest of the year.  I enjoy everything about this season, the snow, the lights, the laughter, baking, and giving.  Unfortunately I was ill for several weeks and then my daughter came down with a double dose of strep so that with work left no time to shop.  Today, the day before Christmas eve, I went on a mission and came out a champion.  I left the house at 7 am and alternated shopping with appointments all day until all was accomplished.  I even had time for dinner with an old friend whom I do not see nearly enough. The funny part is the gift I love the most only cost me ten dollars and will most likely not be appreciated for the thought that went into it.  That is ok because it brings me joy to give it.  This one was thought of weeks ago, as the original gift was bought 2 months ago but ran into a very expensive snag.  Each gift I buy is bought just for that person.  I do not do fillers or buy things just to buy them, as a gift should mean something or not be given at all.  If you go to the trouble to get in your car, go to a store, purchase something with your hard earned money, go home and wrap it then really there should be some thought behind it.  Some of the best gifts I have ever received cost only a few dollars but were special because the person giving it to me knew it was perfect for me.  

     I am a lover of warm drinks.  I love a good cup of coffee, all kinds of tea, and in the winter I can not get enough hot cocoa.  One year my roommate made a basket with literally dozens of specialty teas, coffees and cocoas that lasted me for months.  It made my winter extra special and every time I drank a cup I thought of her and smiled.  Another friend went thrift shopping for months to find a dozen different broaches because we were required to wear them at work.  I had a special one for each season and holiday that made work more fun.  For mothers day one year my 6 year old daughter went to a bookstore with her dad.  She was on a mission to find the perfect mothers day gift and she knew I loved to read.  She picked a huge red book from the bargain section called " Serial Killers Through Out History" It was a nonfiction and started in the 1700's through modern day.  When she told the lady at the check out counter it was for her mommy for mothers day ( looking very proud) the woman began to question her selection.  Her dad said nothing, but my tiny little girl shot right back, " my mommy is a counselor and works with special people who need help all day long, trust me she will love it", and I did.  

     I have to admit I spent an obscene amount of money for my little budget today, but that was because of last minute shopping and no time to bargain hunt.  I will have to work a little harder this winter to make up for it, but I know that no gift was bought with out thought and all will be appreciated.  As for me the only thing I want for Christmas I know I can not have, so I will enjoy my time with family and friends and let the magic of the season warm me.  Next year will be different, but for now my Christmas gift will have to wait.  

Tug Of War

You Can't Dismiss Family

     Last year I wrote a piece called Next Step. It dealt with the impact a disease can have on a family.  In that story I mentioned 2 sisters, my cousins, that had gone through tremendous changes due to their brothers illness.  History repeats itself.  These days it is their mother that is ill.  My aunt has Alztimers and is getting noticeably worse week by week.  I see the toll it takes on the entire family but most notably on the girls and my mother.  The phone calls begin at 5 AM and come by the dozens through out the day.  What day is it, what time is it, did I miss Christmas? Sometimes she is scared and sometimes she is mean, but always she is and will never be the woman I called my second mom.  It is heart wrenching to watch and the toll it takes on family is incredible. Last night I had a blow out with the younger of the girls over the lack of concern for her own mother.  In reality I get it, she is scared.  She is scared that this will happen to her and she is angry she does not have a mom anymore.  She has not had a mom since her brothers passing and a good bit before that.  Life is hard and not fair, but life goes on.  She has a wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a nice house and a good job.  She is surrounded by friends from a lifetime that know and understand her.  She has a support system.  This is when I get angry.  My aunt has none of that.  Most of her friends have passed as well as her husband.  She needs more support now then ever and her children and grand children can not hide out of fear of her behavior.  Quite often she is the same woman she was 20 years ago, but as the disease goes she is also angry and abusive.  It is very difficult to hear your own mother wish terrible things on you but one has to remember it is the disease talking and not the person.

     After our initial blowout she told me in no uncertain terms GOODBYE!  That sounds just like something I have done.  So I know it is not real and it is out of hurt that she says this.  I take a minute to calm down and remind her how much I love her and appreciate how hard this is on her.  This will take a few days to sink in because she is a tough cookie and lives by the motto that you can not unsay bad things.  You can not dismiss family.  Family is all you really got in this life that means something.  I do not mean family by blood.  Family comes in many forms.  I have made my own family over the years of very dear friends who know much more about me then my blood family.  One girl in particular I have known for over 35 years and counting is my sister like no other.  We drive each other crazy, disagree on just about everything and some days I am sure we should have by all rights killed each other over the years.  I still love her and know that she is my family and even though we do not see eye to eye we will always see through the drama to the person inside.

     Christmas will be rough this year if I do not go see my baby cousin face to face beforehand.  You can not have a serious discussion or convey true feelings via text messages.  I hate technology for that reason.  No one communicates these days.  Do you remember the days of talking to your friends or who ever you were dating at the time until late into the night?  I can remember the sound of the voice of those friends and even my first boyfriend much clearer than anyone on my life today. This is because no one talks anymore! I can even remember all the phone numbers because you had to actually dial the number, not hit a name in your contact list.  Communication is a lost art form and the world of text and email and social networks has made it to easy to dismiss people in your life without trying to work it out.  Well I am old fashioned and refuse to let text messages be the deciding factor on whether or not a friend or family member remains in my life or not.  I have been just as guilty of this as of recent and I am ashamed of my behavior mainly because I preach face to face communication to so many people in my life.  I teach my employees and co-workers the value of this in sales and taught it in all my support groups.  

     We are in a battle of wills, a tug of war, over who takes care of my aunt.  No one wants the responsibility yet everyone wants to take credit.  She is not a item to be auctioned or a family dog everyone wanted as a puppy but no one wants to walk in the dead of winter.  She is family and you can't dismiss family.

Appearances Are Everything

Procrastination is the practice of carrying out less urgent tasks in preference to more urgent ones, or doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ...

     I am waiting for a client.   There are a dozen things I could and should be doing.  Instead I sit here looking up the definition of procrastination.  I am well aware of the actual definition as it defines my life.  To the outside world I am the walking definition of a hard worker.  To my immediate family, ( my mother and child), I am a complete mess skating by on very thin ice.  This is the very reason I created Angela.  I needed an outlet for the real me.  The woman who is far from perfect and never quite sure how I make it from one month to the next.  

     I was raised in a home where appearances are everything.  We always left the house with a smile and dressed to face the world.  It did not matter that five seconds beforehand we were tearing each others heads off, to the world we were just "fine".  I hate the word "fine".  By definition the word fine indicates everything is ok.  In reality this word is usually a cover for several different emotions.  None of which actually mean that all is right with the world.  

1.  Parent to child - " Fine, I will deal with you later." A spanking or grounding is in their very near future.

2.  Child to parent - " Fine, I will do it now." I hate you to my soul!

3.  Woman to man- " Everything is just fine"  I am ready to have a complete meltdown but won't give you the satisfaction of seeing it because you should already know I AM NOT FINE!!!

4.  Man to woman - " Yeah babe I'm fine" In actuality he really is fine.  ( Men are much easier to read) 

     The more stressed I am, the more I procrastinate.  Right now my stress level is somewhere around an 11 and I am getting a ton of miscellaneous organizing accomplished.  I am even preparing next years sales goals.  I actually do need to prepare those but in December not at this very moment.  I need to push through this month and sell 3 more properties or it will be a very unhappy holidays for everyone in my world.  With this sad image of a barren Christmas tree on Christmas morning I think I will end this thought for today.  There is no backup plan in my world.  I am my own team and if I don't make it happen no one else will.  So for the sake of making sure Santa Clause comes to town I will say farewell, adios, ciao, adieu, sayonara, you get the point.    :-)

Sweet Sixteen

Oh to be young again

     My darling daughter is turning 16 in two short months.  It is hard to believe and it has been a hell of a ride.  She is an amazing girl.  I am not just saying this because I am mom.  We have definitely had our moments and went through a really rough spell just recently.  She is smart, funny, artistic, and most important in this family, she is witty. I really do love everything about her!  Her most endearing quality however is her most major flaw.  My daughter never has had any concept of what things really cost.  She really and truly does not understand money.  The current topic of conversation is of course about a car.  She knows somewhere deep down that a car cost money, insurance cost money, gas cost money.  I am thinking first car should be around 3-5 thousand.  It should be safe and well maintained.  After all my darling daughter does NOT HAVE A JOB!!!

    Today, while at school she is car shopping on her phone, my tax dollars going to good use. I get a slew of text messages saying how she has found the one, she is in love, lots of little hearts and such.  At first I think she is talking about her boyfriend, then I worry she is not talking about her boyfriend.  Then I get it, the picture, the object of her desire.

I almost burst out laughing.  I mean it is a sweet jeep and I want it too!  Only 40,000 miles, I mean who owns a jeep and keeps it locked up.  That is a sin Jeeps are meant to live rough and live well! I almost burst out laughing because of the comment " and it's only $24,000".  This is a good deal in her mind.  She does not think that I currently work 2 jobs just to keep us going now.  She does not realize that this is absolutely not something I can afford.  To her it is no different then a day of shopping.  I have some work to do!

     My first car was a 1985 Ford Escort with no engine.  Seriously the car was my dads and when the engine blew up he said if you can fix it you can have it.  So I did just that, put in an engine, ( I had been working since 13 so this was doable) and off I went.  The freedom was amazing.  I can not remember a time in my life when freedom meant so much.  I drove everywhere just to drive.  Gas was 86 cents a gallon back then so we all drove just for fun.  I maintained that car like a baby.  She never missed an oil change or tune up and in return she took me all over the east coast for 11 years of my life.  

     Since that first car it should be noted that I have never owned a new car.  This is by choice not by circumstance.  I have to drive a lot for a living and I can put up to 30 thousand miles a year on a car.  Do the math on that gas and you know why I have a second job!  I drive my cars into the ground then after 5 years I get another.  I have never paid more then 12 thousand and always get my money out of them.  They are always nice newer midsize cars like a Malibu or Impala.  I look for cars that are young with high miles.  A salesman drove it and usually highway miles so they really are not in bad condition.  This has never steered me wrong.  I hope to pass this philosophy on to my daughter and that it will benefit her well.  But for now I will let her dream.  After all that is what being 15 is all about.  The dream to drive, the dream of freedom, the dream of a cool car.  Who knows maybe I will win the lottery before then!  Guess I would get my dream jeep as well if that happens!

 Old school.....