I Could Not Face The Truth
They say honesty is the best policy and insanity is the best defense. I suppose we have all been there at some point in our lives. Last night I did something I never dreamed I could do. I took the cowards way out. It was not even a way out but a complete loss of reason. I told someone that means the world to me that I could not be a part of their life anymore via text message. If there ever was a defense for such an asinine move then 4 shots in 30 minutes brought on by the fact that I did not see his car in the parking lot before I went in might ease my guilt a bit. It does not.
This past summer I met a man. Yes I know nothing for the record books but for me it was a big step. My friends have been bugging me to start dating again for a long time now. It had been 5 years since I truly put myself out there. I thought it was time to test the waters and I had my eye on a man at my local watering hole. From the little I knew about him he was a man's man. Kind of rough and tough and a little to straight forward. He was also the entertainer, the good time guy. I figured he was perfect. A few dates a few drinks and no strings attached. Well someone should have warned me the reason it never worked out with anyone else is because I always dated boys, and apparently this man was my type of guy. I fell too hard too fast and tried like mad to deny it. He would not let me. He saw right through me and literally drug the word love right out of my mouth. This rough and tumble guy danced with me and quietly sang the songs in my ear, I melted at that moment and every time after that he did this. When we cuddled he would remark how perfectly we fit together and he was right. I never felt so safe next to someone in my life. You will here mention of him in other post on here. Family Strong is my favorite.
We had a perfect summer which is what made fall so difficult. Life took over and there was less and less time together. He did not seem to mind, did not seem concerned. Maybe I think too much or maybe I felt like we were going backwards. I wanted to feel the security I felt with him over the summer. I wanted to know that I still meant something to him. Last month I told him we needed to talk, I needed to talk. Let me preface this with I am a tomboy in some ways. I grew up playing army, riding huffys and building forts. I love football and drinking beer and don't believe in marriage. So when I act girly it throws people off. That was his response. "Don't get all girly on me". and then he went away. He really did not go away but my text were answered less and less and my phone calls were declined. He would insist nothing was wrong and go into one of his infamous stories from his past. The only thing I really know about his past is that he slept with a lot of people, cheated on some and felt bad when he got caught. What I want to know is his favorite memory from childhood, his favorite vacation, even his favorite color would be nice. I am not sure why just about every story ends with or begins with this girl or that but it sure does not help me to feel anything good about where we were at. He thinks I don't trust him and you can't build a relationship on suspicions. ( a song he sang at karaoke last night) Well then stop telling me about all your misgivings and try living life in the present for a while!!! A relationship can also not last if two people can't fight and make up! I can't keep my mouth shut and be happy. I need to let it out sometimes and know its ok. A healthy relationship is built on these experiences, not just good times. If good times is all you want then Do Not bring the word love into it!
The thing about not believing in marriage is that we believe twice as much in the power of love. It is not even that marriage is out of the question, but the relationship is what is most important, not the paper or the ring. I believe in being in love. It is easy to say you love people but it takes work to stay in love with your partner. It takes special moments, date nights, quality time, alone time away from each other, random acts of kindness, and fighting like cats and dogs. Love requires work and no paper or ring can guarantee that someone will want to work for you, to hold onto you, to make sure you know your importance in their lives. I have rearranged my schedule to his so that we could have time together. I went from working 80 + hour weeks 7 days a week to 50 hours and 5 days. My schedule is more flexible so it seemed the appropriate thing to do. If I had not then we would not have made it past September. In doing this I took a financial hit but was gaining something much more valuable. I was gaining time and a life for the first time in a long time. The trade off was worth it. I still remember the day I looked at him in a room full of people in his home and knew I had fallen in love. At that moment nothing else mattered. For everything he was and for everything he was not, I loved all of him. Unfortunately I could not tell him with so much going on. I don't know if I could have anyway as he has stated several times that he will never love any woman again the way they want to be loved. I guess in his mind you only get one shot and for him his first wife was it.
Why put myself out there then. I believe you can have several great loves and I know he is one. But if he can never feel the same way then why try? The answer is simple for me. I have to love and I have to let my feelings be known. It is who I am. I can not live life in a box and I have crawled into a shell this past month to avoid the pain of losing him, until the night I did.
Saturday night I lost him and I can tell he does not get why. It is all about respect for someones feelings. We had been at a charity event during the day and he had been drinking. Afterwards I had to get home to my daughter so I could not go to the after party. A storm was moving in and I need tires so I did not want to drive in it. It was not even a question in my mind that we would see each other later. I never heard from him again that night. I saw his son who had not heard from him. The storm was bad and he had now been drinking for 9 hours. I was worried he was in a ditch somewhere. All the nights of my past came flooding back. My dad, my daughters dad, my roommate, all the nights waiting up to know if someone was dead or alive. I shut down. My walls went up. I broke up with him by a text and ran for my life. Was it the right thing to do? I know in my heart I love him. I know I am in love with him. I also know he has a rule. Once things are done they are done, no going back. I know this to be true as I see and have heard all the stories off his past. I don't think I was wrong to be upset for many things over the past month. I just want him to know that my love was real. for me no part of this was a fling. I hope he finds what ever he is looking for in life. I truly love his spirit and his smile and want him to be happy. What a way to end this crazy year...
The thing about not believing in marriage is that we believe twice as much in the power of love. It is not even that marriage is out of the question, but the relationship is what is most important, not the paper or the ring. I believe in being in love. It is easy to say you love people but it takes work to stay in love with your partner. It takes special moments, date nights, quality time, alone time away from each other, random acts of kindness, and fighting like cats and dogs. Love requires work and no paper or ring can guarantee that someone will want to work for you, to hold onto you, to make sure you know your importance in their lives. I have rearranged my schedule to his so that we could have time together. I went from working 80 + hour weeks 7 days a week to 50 hours and 5 days. My schedule is more flexible so it seemed the appropriate thing to do. If I had not then we would not have made it past September. In doing this I took a financial hit but was gaining something much more valuable. I was gaining time and a life for the first time in a long time. The trade off was worth it. I still remember the day I looked at him in a room full of people in his home and knew I had fallen in love. At that moment nothing else mattered. For everything he was and for everything he was not, I loved all of him. Unfortunately I could not tell him with so much going on. I don't know if I could have anyway as he has stated several times that he will never love any woman again the way they want to be loved. I guess in his mind you only get one shot and for him his first wife was it.
Why put myself out there then. I believe you can have several great loves and I know he is one. But if he can never feel the same way then why try? The answer is simple for me. I have to love and I have to let my feelings be known. It is who I am. I can not live life in a box and I have crawled into a shell this past month to avoid the pain of losing him, until the night I did.
Saturday night I lost him and I can tell he does not get why. It is all about respect for someones feelings. We had been at a charity event during the day and he had been drinking. Afterwards I had to get home to my daughter so I could not go to the after party. A storm was moving in and I need tires so I did not want to drive in it. It was not even a question in my mind that we would see each other later. I never heard from him again that night. I saw his son who had not heard from him. The storm was bad and he had now been drinking for 9 hours. I was worried he was in a ditch somewhere. All the nights of my past came flooding back. My dad, my daughters dad, my roommate, all the nights waiting up to know if someone was dead or alive. I shut down. My walls went up. I broke up with him by a text and ran for my life. Was it the right thing to do? I know in my heart I love him. I know I am in love with him. I also know he has a rule. Once things are done they are done, no going back. I know this to be true as I see and have heard all the stories off his past. I don't think I was wrong to be upset for many things over the past month. I just want him to know that my love was real. for me no part of this was a fling. I hope he finds what ever he is looking for in life. I truly love his spirit and his smile and want him to be happy. What a way to end this crazy year...
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