Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back
Have you ever woke up and been absolutely in love with your life? I have been lucky enough to have the moment many times over the years. Those days are almost corny, like the beginning of Cinderella when she is singing to all her forest friends. Yup I mean so disgustingly happy that the only way to describe it is through a Disney film. For me it is usually brought on by an accomplishment of some sort, or getting to do something I really love in life. What ever your happy is you know that moment I am talking about.
I have spent the past couple years recreating myself. I was on a mission to finish what I started 23 years ago. At the age of 19 I set off to live out my dreams and see the world. I had an incredible, crazy, awesome,and sometimes dangerous 8 years of self exploration. Unfortunately I ended up more lost then when I started my journey, but it was a hell of a ride! The next 10 years were defined more by tragic occurrences happening repeatedly by my own inability to leave a bad situation. There are often moments in life we would like a chance to change, for me that moment is the spring of 1997. I had just come to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mom in 8 short months. I knew only one thing, her co-creator was not the daddy type and certainly was very bad for my existence. My roommate felt differently and spilled the beans. We decided we were going to give this a try and moved back to my hometown to begin our journey into adulthood. Now he actually had some very good daddy moments that surprised me over the years. He could swaddle better then anyone I knew, sing her to sleep, and play pretend pretty darn well. Then there was the time he got her a full size drum set for her 2nd Christmas, no you could not see her, but she had a blast banging away on it. He was there for her first step, and taught her how to ride a bike, overall he had good times with her.
Our relationship however was toxic to both of us. He honestly had a complete inability to stay in a monogamous relationship.when we met he was the tender age of twenty and his number of partners was already at close to fifty by what we could tell. Yes I know I should have run right then. By the time we had separated for the last time that number had doubled. He also had a complete inability to keep a job, so fiances were always my responsibility. He was at times cute and goofy and charming. He had a lot of passion for his career and for music. Had we stayed separated the first time we may have remained friends. Instead we kept coming back together, his drinking, cheating, and general life skills took a nosedive and I berated him for it. This only led to more drinking and what was an emotionally and financially toxic relationship turned downright violent. I shut down and became a ghost in the mirror. I lost all of myself until one day I could take no more and left for good.
It took 6 months for me to learn to sleep again. It took 1 year to really laugh for the first time. It took 5 years to figure out how to live life my way all over again. I found my independence, my spirit, my confidence. I once again was in charge not only in my work life but in my personal life as well. It felt good to be working my way back up from the grave I was in. I was OK.
This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and had to be completely honest with myself. I have taken 4 steps back and it is not a pretty sight. There is no Disney film to describe this moment. I am once again keeping my mouth shut, needlessly worrying about things I have no control over, and in general acting like the mouse I had become for survival back then. Only problem is, this is my problem now. I am not in danger and life is good, but for some reason my self is running scared. I am doing stupid things, not taking care of business, and in general acting like an idiot. I may sound a bit harsh, but seriously I need a reality check here. So today I looked in the mirror with complete disgust and said "no more"! I will not make stupid decisions, I will not keep quiet, I will be myself and either people will like me or not. I can not control what other people think about me and honestly never had a problem with friends that I did not create myself. I have always kept people at a distance, but that's my fault not theirs. I will take care of business and in 6 short months the final part of my journey back will be complete. I will once again be a homeowner. This means more to me then just about anything. It will be my final step, my way of feeling accomplished, and it will not matter that I will have no furniture to put in it, all sold off long ago, it will be mine. I will lay in the middle of the living room floor like in my first house and just grin from ear to ear. This will be my final step forward, and I know the next 10 years are going to be amazing.
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