Appearances Are Everything

Procrastination is the practice of carrying out less urgent tasks in preference to more urgent ones, or doing more pleasurable things in place of less pleasurable ...

     I am waiting for a client.   There are a dozen things I could and should be doing.  Instead I sit here looking up the definition of procrastination.  I am well aware of the actual definition as it defines my life.  To the outside world I am the walking definition of a hard worker.  To my immediate family, ( my mother and child), I am a complete mess skating by on very thin ice.  This is the very reason I created Angela.  I needed an outlet for the real me.  The woman who is far from perfect and never quite sure how I make it from one month to the next.  

     I was raised in a home where appearances are everything.  We always left the house with a smile and dressed to face the world.  It did not matter that five seconds beforehand we were tearing each others heads off, to the world we were just "fine".  I hate the word "fine".  By definition the word fine indicates everything is ok.  In reality this word is usually a cover for several different emotions.  None of which actually mean that all is right with the world.  

1.  Parent to child - " Fine, I will deal with you later." A spanking or grounding is in their very near future.

2.  Child to parent - " Fine, I will do it now." I hate you to my soul!

3.  Woman to man- " Everything is just fine"  I am ready to have a complete meltdown but won't give you the satisfaction of seeing it because you should already know I AM NOT FINE!!!

4.  Man to woman - " Yeah babe I'm fine" In actuality he really is fine.  ( Men are much easier to read) 

     The more stressed I am, the more I procrastinate.  Right now my stress level is somewhere around an 11 and I am getting a ton of miscellaneous organizing accomplished.  I am even preparing next years sales goals.  I actually do need to prepare those but in December not at this very moment.  I need to push through this month and sell 3 more properties or it will be a very unhappy holidays for everyone in my world.  With this sad image of a barren Christmas tree on Christmas morning I think I will end this thought for today.  There is no backup plan in my world.  I am my own team and if I don't make it happen no one else will.  So for the sake of making sure Santa Clause comes to town I will say farewell, adios, ciao, adieu, sayonara, you get the point.    :-)

I Have Not Been Myself

Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back

     Have you ever woke up and been absolutely in love with your life?   I have been lucky enough to have the moment many times over the years.  Those days are almost corny, like the beginning of Cinderella when she is singing to all her forest friends. Yup I mean so disgustingly happy that the only way to describe it is through a Disney film.  For me it is usually brought on by an accomplishment of some sort, or getting to do something I really love in life.  What ever your happy is you know that moment I am talking about.  

     I have spent the past couple years recreating myself.  I was on a mission to finish what I started 23 years ago.  At the age of 19 I set off to live out my dreams and see the world.  I had an incredible, crazy, awesome,and sometimes dangerous 8 years of self exploration.  Unfortunately I ended up more lost then when I started my journey, but it was a hell of a ride!  The next 10 years were defined more by tragic occurrences happening repeatedly by my own inability to leave a bad situation.  There are often moments in life we would like a chance to change, for me that moment is the spring of 1997.  I had just come to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mom in 8 short months.   I knew only one thing, her co-creator was not the daddy type and certainly was very bad for my existence. My roommate felt differently and spilled the beans.  We decided we were going to give this a try and moved back to my hometown to begin our journey into adulthood.  Now he actually had some very good daddy moments that surprised me over the years.  He could swaddle better then anyone I knew, sing her to sleep, and play pretend pretty darn well. Then there was the time he got her a full size drum set for her 2nd Christmas, no you could not see her, but she had a blast banging away on it.  He was there for her first step, and taught her how to ride a bike, overall he had good times with her.  

     Our relationship however was toxic to both of us.  He honestly had a complete inability to stay in a monogamous relationship.when we met he was the tender age of twenty and his number of partners was already at close to fifty by what we could tell.  Yes I know I should have run right then.  By the time we had separated for the last time that number had doubled. He also had a complete inability to keep a job, so fiances were always my responsibility.  He was at times cute and goofy and charming.  He had a lot of passion for his career and for music. Had we stayed separated the first time we may have remained friends. Instead we kept coming back together, his drinking, cheating, and general life skills took a nosedive and I berated him for it.  This only led to more drinking and what was an emotionally and financially toxic relationship turned downright violent.  I shut down and became a ghost in the mirror.  I lost all of myself until one day I could take no more and left for good.  

     It took 6 months for me to learn to sleep again.  It took 1 year to really laugh for the first time.  It took 5 years to figure out how to live life my way all over again.  I found my independence, my spirit, my confidence.  I once again was in charge not only in my work life but in my personal life as well.  It felt good to be working my way back up from the grave I was in.  I was OK.

     This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and had to be completely honest with myself.  I have taken 4 steps back and it is not a pretty sight.  There is no Disney film to describe this moment. I am once again keeping my mouth shut, needlessly worrying about things I have no control over, and in general acting like the mouse I had become for survival back then.  Only problem is,  this is my problem now.  I am not in danger and life is good, but for some reason my self is running scared.  I am doing stupid things, not taking care of business, and in general acting like an idiot.  I may sound a bit harsh, but seriously I need a reality check here.  So today I looked in the mirror with complete disgust and said "no more"!  I will not make stupid decisions, I will not keep quiet, I will be myself and either people will like me or not. I can not control what other people think about me and honestly never had a problem with friends that I did not create myself.  I have always kept people at a distance, but that's my fault not theirs.  I will take care of business and in 6 short months the final part of my journey back will be complete.  I will once again be a homeowner.  This means more to me then just about anything.  It will be my final step, my way of feeling accomplished, and it will not matter that I will have no furniture to put in it, all sold off long ago, it will be mine. I will lay in the middle of the living room floor like in my first house and just grin from ear to ear.  This will be my final step forward, and I know the next 10 years are going to be amazing.  

A Little More

In The Blink of an Eye

     It is early Saturday morning. I went downstairs to make breakfast when I looked outside and was dumbfounded.  There are no leaves on the trees in my backyard.  When did that happen?  The mountains still show signs of color but it is dwindling fast.  Where did fall go?  This is quite possible the first year with none of my favorite activities.  There was no camping, hiking, drives in the mountains, time to enjoy all the beautiful colors.  I am so depressed right now.  I know there are so many more big things in life to worry about.  In the great big picture of life this is nothing, but in my own little corner this is everything.  So for today I mourn the loss of a season, because in reality it does signify a much bigger problem and that worries me a little more then a little bit.

What Makes A Holiday Special?

Fourth of July?

    The stores are stocked, the commercials have hit the air, and the radio stations have begun playing holiday songs. Yes it is the first week of November and apparently Christmas has arrived.  I actually began seeing Christmas displays in early October, before Halloween, seriously I understand economics and the need for any excuse to increase revenue, but October?  For as long as I can remember my favorite holiday was the Fourth of July.  I mean how can you not love a holiday that's sole purpose is celebration?  Think about it.  the Fourth of July is an outdoor celebration involving friends, family, fireworks, and cook outs. There is no religious connotations or separations.  There are no gifts, or pressure to please, very few decorations, and plenty of space for everyone to be together with out killing each other!  Now look at the winter holiday season.  First is the separation of at least 4 major religious celebrations.  There is no one moment everyone celebrates.  Next is the pressure to buy presents for family, friends, bosses, teachers, coaches, your cleaning lady, hairdresser, mailman, oh and don't forget your kids, and nieces and nephews, god children, uggg I am exhausted and broke just thinking about it! No wonder they start holiday sales in October.  It takes that many paychecks to afford all that!  

     Now I don't want you to think me a Grinch. I am actually quite the opposite of the mean old Grinch.  I adore Christmas.  I am already watching Hallmark Movie Channel religiously and I do not watch TV on a normal basis the rest of the year.  I watch football, the news, and a when time allows I pull up things on Netflix.  This time of year I watch a years worth of television in 2 months.  I am playing Christmas music in the car and driving my daughter nuts, and yes I have made a secret batch of Christmas cookies for fun.  

     What makes the holidays special for me is the magic.  I love sitting in front of the fireplace with the tree all lit up.  I love snow falling in the moonlight.  I really love time with friends and family.  I am not a religious person but every Christmas eve I watch midnight mass with the Pope on TV.  This may seem funny but I am not baptized so I did not grow up with a church.  To me Midnight Mass seems like the real deal,  it is peaceful and calming and unadulterated. I enjoy baking and the holidays are an excuse to go to town.  This time of year should go by so slowly.  It should be a time to relax and energize both your body and your mind. For centuries winter meant exactly this. People did not farm, or travel, or run around in the cold dead of winter. Modern inventions mean we no longer have downtime.  People work and travel and run around 7 days a week.  We have even lost the supposed 7th day of rest!  When I was a kid very few things were open on Sundays.  This meant few people worked and there was no place to go.  We simply relaxed or visited family.  In the winter when it snowed schools actually closed and people stayed home.  I miss this life.  This is what the winter holidays mean to me.  The magic is in the waiting, relaxing, and in the peace that you can only feel after a good heavy snowfall. Did you ever listen to just how quiet it is during a snow storm? The air is so heavy sound just does not travel.  

     I still love Fourth of July the best of all holidays, but the magic of Christmas is in the air and I fully intend to enjoy it, my way, at peace.  As for all the gifts, I believe in giving and think everyone should get one special gift. I buy local, love small business Saturday, and hand made gifts as well.  I will never get caught up in Black Friday or holiday deals, or the toy of the season.  It is the spirit of giving, not the price or quantity of the gifts that count. 

Happy Holidays...

     

Sweet Sixteen

Oh to be young again

     My darling daughter is turning 16 in two short months.  It is hard to believe and it has been a hell of a ride.  She is an amazing girl.  I am not just saying this because I am mom.  We have definitely had our moments and went through a really rough spell just recently.  She is smart, funny, artistic, and most important in this family, she is witty. I really do love everything about her!  Her most endearing quality however is her most major flaw.  My daughter never has had any concept of what things really cost.  She really and truly does not understand money.  The current topic of conversation is of course about a car.  She knows somewhere deep down that a car cost money, insurance cost money, gas cost money.  I am thinking first car should be around 3-5 thousand.  It should be safe and well maintained.  After all my darling daughter does NOT HAVE A JOB!!!

    Today, while at school she is car shopping on her phone, my tax dollars going to good use. I get a slew of text messages saying how she has found the one, she is in love, lots of little hearts and such.  At first I think she is talking about her boyfriend, then I worry she is not talking about her boyfriend.  Then I get it, the picture, the object of her desire.

I almost burst out laughing.  I mean it is a sweet jeep and I want it too!  Only 40,000 miles, I mean who owns a jeep and keeps it locked up.  That is a sin Jeeps are meant to live rough and live well! I almost burst out laughing because of the comment " and it's only $24,000".  This is a good deal in her mind.  She does not think that I currently work 2 jobs just to keep us going now.  She does not realize that this is absolutely not something I can afford.  To her it is no different then a day of shopping.  I have some work to do!

     My first car was a 1985 Ford Escort with no engine.  Seriously the car was my dads and when the engine blew up he said if you can fix it you can have it.  So I did just that, put in an engine, ( I had been working since 13 so this was doable) and off I went.  The freedom was amazing.  I can not remember a time in my life when freedom meant so much.  I drove everywhere just to drive.  Gas was 86 cents a gallon back then so we all drove just for fun.  I maintained that car like a baby.  She never missed an oil change or tune up and in return she took me all over the east coast for 11 years of my life.  

     Since that first car it should be noted that I have never owned a new car.  This is by choice not by circumstance.  I have to drive a lot for a living and I can put up to 30 thousand miles a year on a car.  Do the math on that gas and you know why I have a second job!  I drive my cars into the ground then after 5 years I get another.  I have never paid more then 12 thousand and always get my money out of them.  They are always nice newer midsize cars like a Malibu or Impala.  I look for cars that are young with high miles.  A salesman drove it and usually highway miles so they really are not in bad condition.  This has never steered me wrong.  I hope to pass this philosophy on to my daughter and that it will benefit her well.  But for now I will let her dream.  After all that is what being 15 is all about.  The dream to drive, the dream of freedom, the dream of a cool car.  Who knows maybe I will win the lottery before then!  Guess I would get my dream jeep as well if that happens!

 Old school.....

A Home For Everyone

A house is not a home until you make it your own.

     I absolutely love days when everything falls into place.  About two months back I ran into a gentleman I had not seen in several years.  I had worked with his wife until she passed away from cancer.  He randomly walked into my open house during a busy day and I only had a moment to say hello and see how he had been.  A few weeks later we met and he told me someone had knocked on his door and wanted to buy his home.  Yes that really does happen!  We talked and I contacted the couple to go over the process with them.  When I took them through the home I knew it belonged to them.  It is important that your home fits who you are.  In this case it was more important that the home would continue to be well cared for.  My friend had built the home with his wife and letting it go was going to be an emotional experience, but he wants and needs a smaller place and less maintenance.  

     The deal almost did not happen as disagreements on price cropped up.  After touring other homes I could see her first choice was still the only choice.  It was her home and my friend knew she would care for it well.  Today an agreement was reached and I am soaring.  

     I remember every space I ever lived in.  Some places meant more then others, but none have ever been home.  I know what it looks like.  I can see it in my mind, in my dreams, and one day it will exist.  For my friend that was his time.  That was the home that meant the most.  For the new buyers, this will be that place, a place to call home.  

My Idea Of A Good Time

Nothing makes me happier then a good group of friends around a camp fire. 

Respect

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you...

     We all grew up with that little saying.  It was taught to us at an early age usually by a parent or friend who found us crying from a friend or siblings mean words.  In the late 90's we began to talk about bullying and how devastating it was to our children. As the years progressed and the internet and social networking blossomed bullying took on a whole new meaning.  Today we hear of suicides from online attacks and they have websites kids can join that will literally spam someone hateful, hurtful tweets, postings, and emails.  Can you imagine getting 10,0000 post in one day that says "your ugly", "your unwanted", " you should kill yourself".  Words can hurt and words can kill.  This is not someone else problem.  I promise you no matter how perfect your child is at some point they have made someone cry in their lifetime.  We as a society have got to come up with solutions for the world wide reach of the internet.  The internet and social networking are not going away so how do we make it a safer world for our children and in turn ourselves?  

     Children who are bullied at home often bully others in school.  The first step then is to watch what you say to your children.  I remember my own daughter getting picked on in the first grade by this little girl a year older.  I began to notice that every morning at drop off this little girls mom berated her all the way to the front door and most likely all morning as well.  My heart broke for her as she was just lashing out from all the terrible feelings she had inside of her.  I showed my daughter several times and she began to understand and not let her bother her anymore.  This little girl so damaged by her own mother, grew up to be a "mean girl".         Mean girl is a term made popular by the television series but they have been around for a very long time. These are the kids who appear popular and travel in cliques that intentionally target individuals and bring them down as low as they can, like a game.  This is not new.  They learned this behavior at home watching their parents and listening to the way they talk about their own friends and associates.  They will go on to become the same parent and raise the same kids.  This is a cycle of violence just like any other.  

    Step two then would be awareness of the families that your children hang out with and awareness of your own friends and associates.  As adults we can make choices with whom we associate with.  We may have to work with people we do not like but we certainly do not have to maintain friendships with them.  We also have a greater ability and responsibility to speak up when we hear adults behaving badly.  This is most obvious on playing fields across the country.  We hear parents berating their children all the time in the middle of games and practices.  Many teams have curbed this by throwing out parents who can not be respectful but it still occurs.  Make sure your team does not tolerate bad parents. We also can hear colleagues and bosses talk down to our fellow employees. Do not agree just to keep the peace.  

     Step three is not to allow it in your own life.  This is probably the most difficult step of all.  How often have our own loved ones, children, spouses, significant others hurt our feelings.  Why do we put up with it and accept it as ok.  Remember the little girl that picked on my daughter.  Do you think someone who grew up with a lifetime of attacks even knows that they are hurting your feelings, lowering your self esteem, tearing you apart.  Chances are many people do not even realize that they are saying something hurtful.  This entire story was born from a comment from someone in my own life last night.  I know for a fact that he has no idea that my feelings are hurt.  I know he has no idea that he even said anything wrong.  It is often the people we care about most that can hurt us the worst.  I sit here slightly damaged but unable to tell him because I don't want to seem silly or worse yet have my feelings dismissed.  The cycle does not go away until we take charge and create the world we want to live in, until we surround ourselves with good people.  We must be the ones to make a world for our children to grow up in that is tolerant and a bit kinder. This world needs a couple generations of good people to make it right again.  Our world, country, economy, friends, family, and children are relying on this generation to make things right.  Start today and start at home, raising your children with a good firm love that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

     

Family Strong

It's Been My Privilege

      Just a few short months ago a party was held for an amazing woman.  I did not know at the time that she was amazing,  I knew in advance that she had been battling cancer for some time.  I knew that she wanted to have a blow out party in case her upcoming operation did not go well.  I did not know what family looked like until I met this bunch of wild, crazy, amazing and loving women and their odd man out brother.  I could not tell she was sick, I could not tell if she was afraid but that night I saw a light and energy surrounding her and all her family.
     A few days later she endured an 15 + hour operation to remove a tumor that was intertwined with her intestines. What started out as ovarian cancer had spread.  She again made it through and things were looking good.  I have to believe the support of her family made all the difference in the world.  Sometimes that is just not enough.  A few weeks later her body began to fail her and she was put on hospice.  Her brother welcomed her and the entire family into his home, his man cave if you will.  His world was turned upside down but in a good way.  I could tell he lived for this.  He likes to be needed and likes family around.  He had a renewed spirit that I knew existed somewhere inside of him but rarely get a chance to see.  This is the side of him I like best.  This is the side I fell in love with but am only privy to in stories from his past.  I hope one day to share in that spirit and be a part of that world.
    The first week or so went really well.  The sisters and friends rallied around her for support.  Her twin daughters were so very strong.  I can not imagine if I were in their shoes how hard it would be.  There were make overs and spa days and 24/7 care.  Again the spirit and energy that emits from this crew is incredible. Each one so very different yet so very similar.   This past weekend was not as joyful.  She went through the stages of denial and  still wanting to fight, through to acceptance and learning to let go all in the course of a week. Only love is capable of making this happen.  The support of a strong family makes all the difference in the world
     The final 48 hours were the most amazing to witness as an outsider this time.  Offering to help where I could, sometimes just being there to talk and share in the stories they shared about her life.  The family still rallied around, helping each other now and letting her know it was ok to let go.
     I am not a religious person but I am in awe of that final day.  Her brother left his phone at home and when he realized it went home to retrieve it. At the same moment in time she was slipping away. There is no denying the possibility that this was meant to happen this way.  At the end her daughter heard her say "God?" as if she could see him standing before her. This brave young women told her it was ok, then she simply said "ok" and slipped away.
If ever there were words I would want to here a loved one say in their final moments that would be it.  There was not going to be a funeral or service so they all had a chance to say their final goodbyes in the comfort of the home, surrounded by each other.  I can not think of anything better.  I always disliked funerals because they never felt comforting, this was exactly that.  They could be themselves and laugh and joke and cry all together.  Nothing stuffy or formal but so perfectly them.  Later that evening the clan gathered for drinks and in a bar I have been in hundreds of times, in walked regulars but with a monkey in tow.  The ultimate distraction walked right through the door.  It made everyone laugh and smile and feel a little better because animals have a way of doing that.  The entire reason we keep pets is generally very selfish reasons, they make us feel good.  Even the date could not be more fitting.  she fought an entire extra day when by no means should her body have held on that long.  She passed away on Halloween. She loved children and worked with them with a passion, so for her day of remembrance to be on a childrens holiday could not be more fitting.
     The house is quiet again and I am pretty sure dad and son miss the noise already.  I still feel the energy, something has changed.  I know she is there.  This tough bear of a man gained a new connection with a family he had lost for so long.  This connection was so very much needed in his life. She will live on not just in their hearts but in that renewed connection as well.  I can not help but think she is smiling down here on that very thought.  Although I know she did not know it at the time, her passing birthed new life.  Family is precious and often taken for granted.  For those with strong family ties can not realize how lonely it is for those with out.  She brought two families back together again and I really believe that connection will remain.  There is a positive to all tragedy. I have seen it in my own life and now I see it in theirs.  It has been a privilege.