My mind never stops. It is both a blessing and a curse. I can multi task and accomplish amazing things when I am on point. I can not finish a single task when I am not. I will start 20 different things and not see a single one to the end on these days. Sleeping is ridiculously difficult. Sometimes it seems hard to breathe. I am not having a panic attack, or losing my mind. I just simply can not ever stop. I mean really just "stop"! I want to sit down, to relax, to breathe. I want to watch a movie all the way through or get my nails done without feeling like I am wasting so much time. I need my own space, my surroundings, my life back!
I am in a transition. That is what it is referred to by family. I feel trapped, out of sorts, lost. It is difficult enough to have an unquiet mind. To live in surroundings that do not belong to you, that do not calm you, that are a reflection of everything that you are not, is complete torture. Yet, I am grateful for my host. I am grateful for the time I needed to make this transition. I have been on my own for 20 years and much of that time my homes have been calming, neutral, almost hippie or bohemian in its designs. My current home is straight out of Home and Gardens Magazine. Beautiful in every way. It is classic suburban very white with a nice front porch, large trees and open, airy. It even has an indoor water fountain hand made by a local engineer/artist. There is nothing wrong with this home for most of America. Many would call it perfect. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't stop.
My host is turned off by the smell of food cooking in the kitchen, the sounds of soft music playing throughout the house, the smell of incense, and blankets and pillows left out on a couch where one might want to sit and read a book each day. Everything must look perfect. I can not fault her. This is her devil. She must have complete order to feel in control. This is her burden to bear. We are opposite as night and day.
There have been people in my life that could quiet my mind. My roommate in college. We had several apartments together and I always felt calm around her. My daughter, who is so very similar to me it is frightening, This home hurts her soul as well. That bothers me more then anything. A co worker at my part time job, when not being utterly annoying can calm my mind just by his presence. A man I dated last year could calm me with a simple hug, or even a look across the room. Actually to this day, since we rarely speak anymore, his eye contact can still make me stop. For a brief moment when I see his eyes, I can breathe. I wish this to happen with the current gentleman I am seeing. I fear it will not. He is so very good but I do not know if I will ever be able to relax. I don't know if he can calm me.
I do know I must move. I need my own space, my own hide away, my own surroundings. I need to be able to stop, breathe, sleep, cook, and reflect on my day. This blog is disjointed, jumpy, and unclear. This is my mind today.
