You Just Don't Understand!
How many times did we say those words as teenagers? How many times do we have to hear them as parents? My darling daughter is now 15 years old and apparently never talking to me again with any form of love in her heart. She walks around looking sullen, sad, no down right miserable all the time. Sorry let me correct that, she looks this way when she is around her family. I suppose many parents go through this. The once loving, doting, adorable child that smiled and laughed on a daily basis suddenly disappears and an alien being invades the home. She still can not remember to do her one and only chore or keep a house key on her, but has dreams of driving in a few short months! I don't think so is my current mantra. She says I can not understand what she is going through, that times are different, she says " you did not even have the internet when you were my age"!
Wow, she is right we had the party line on a phone with a cord! I am soooo old! I am 42 by the way and really can not believe the world has changed so much in my lifetime. I am pretty sure that we still had boys, drinking, drugs, and drama when I was 15. I am also sure that I disliked my parents for much more significant reasons! I am most sure that her life is not nearly as horrible as she feels at this moment.
The thing that kills me the most, this is where single and divorced parents can relate, her father can do no wrong. He is cool and understands her, he gets it. Well of course he does he is less mature then the boys her own age! I spent years teaching my daughter not to use the word hate. But that does not even begin to describe my feelings for her father. His broken promises, inability to keep a job, refusal to help in any financial way or my favorite his refusal to babysit his daughter led us to be where we are in life. I will admit it is 100% my fault that I let him back in our lives not once, not twice, but three times! Sometimes it was a true desire that he and our daughter would be close. Then there were the times I was just downright afraid of the consequences. She lost her school, and we lost our house from those broken promises. I lost my ability to trust a man for years. I also hid everything from her, so in all fairness she does not know the half of it.
For most of her life I held 2 jobs to make ends meet. My degree is in social services so that does not pay the bills. For the last 6 years since we lost the house, which was in my name, and I left him for good, I have been busting my butt to give her everything she wants and repair my credit. After I left I was afraid to be in a place he would come to so I moved us in with my mother for a year. My mother became ill during that time and so we stayed longer. I could have moved last year but she is in constant need of large sums of money for her activities. This has made saving a down payment very difficult. I continue to work 2 jobs and still try and live a life now and then.
For the first time in 17 years I am dating someone new. He is the complete opposite of her dad and an amazing man. My daughter refuses to accept this. She literally told me I can wait to date until she goes away to college! Her father has been dating, living, and fully supported by a young gal for the last 6 years who my daughter gets along with. She will not even acknowledge that my friend exist. I have met and like both of his children and most of his family. He has not met anyone on my side which I know has to bug him.
"You just don't understand"! These words are on the tip of my tongue all the time but never come out. How is it that a man who payed nothing for you, did nothing for you, finds it difficult to find the time to spend 4 hours a week with you while he is unemployed for years at a time, how is he the good parent? I just don't understand! I would like to have a partner of my own, someone who will love me and I can love back for the first time ever, but I am not allowed? I just don't understand!
I do understand the sacrifices many a parent has made over the years to make sure their children grow into happy, healthy, productive adults. I hear the echos of those words everywhere. I have made a thousand sacrifices for her that she will never fully understand, and I would do it all over again. I just wish she could understand the depth of my love for her and how much I need and want her love in return. Someday perhaps she will know. I do not wish my life on her. I want her to have a perfect life. I want her to find love and adventure and peace. My wish for her is simple, complete happiness, that is my wish for her in what ever she does in life.
I do understand. she just will not know that for 20 years.
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