Sleepless Ramblings

Every Decade Begins Anew.

     I remember 12.  I remember my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first feeling of absolute power!  This moment will happen several times in your life if you are lucky, more often if you are blessed with true confidence.  I learned early on that being pretty was a passing thing but confidence was something no one could resist.  I may not be a cheerleader or a model or even cute, but I could wear confidence like a pair of Manolo Blahniks.  This has gotten me very far in life, farther then I earned or deserved in most situations. In most jobs I was often promoted quickly due to my fantastic knowledge base ( confidence).  In school I was given better grades by arguing my point ( confidence) and in social situations I became mama due to being wise beyond my years ( confidence). Now do not get me wrong I am not an idiot and I always worked diligently to uphold what I was given, but the most ironic part of this story is my absolute lack of confidence.       In my teens I was confident that I could make every boy a friend so that my fears of dating would not be noticed.  I made myself love sports to hang with my buddies.  In my twenties I had to date to appear somewhat normal so I used crutches to become the party girl I was not.  In my thirties I lived with someone who completely destroyed what was left of my self respect but stayed out of fear or maybe a fear of failure.  

     Now I am in my forties and I am spent.  I have nothing left to give but I am not giving up.  If  I could fake it for 40 years damn it I can fake it until I make it now!  At work and with friends I can seem in control.  With strangers I am in complete control!  I made a fantastic bartender for that reason alone.  I could flirt and advise with the best of them.  With people who get close to me, well forget about it.  I am a complete idiot with no sense of self or even ability to put together a decent thought!  Seriously why is it I can run a support group or take the stage and talk to 500 people with no problem, but put me one on one and I clam up.  

    Confidence is sexy if you wear it well.  I can wear it for everyone except the people that really matter.  Now I realize that means that I am just pretending and it is not real, I do get that.  I have always believed if you run enough miles you can call your self a runner. I believed that if I acted confident long enough then I would be confident!  Will someone please tell me when exactly that will occur!  Yes at this point in my life I want an exact date and time.  I do not want to be the grand nanny in a nursing home at 90 keeping every one else going strong.  I want it now, the power and courage and confidence to pursue my goals and dreams, and to be who I feel inside. I will not sit back and enjoy the ride anymore.  I want to drive the car and be in control of my own life for a change.  I want the people who matter most to me to respect me and trust me. 

   It is time to be 12 again and feel the power that a kiss can hold.  I am confident, and I am proud, and I can do this thing called life.  I do not have all the answers but I sure as hell will not stop trying to find them.  The next 40 years will be amazing.  That is what I call sexy...