I Have Not Been Myself

Two Steps Forward, Four Steps Back

     Have you ever woke up and been absolutely in love with your life?   I have been lucky enough to have the moment many times over the years.  Those days are almost corny, like the beginning of Cinderella when she is singing to all her forest friends. Yup I mean so disgustingly happy that the only way to describe it is through a Disney film.  For me it is usually brought on by an accomplishment of some sort, or getting to do something I really love in life.  What ever your happy is you know that moment I am talking about.  

     I have spent the past couple years recreating myself.  I was on a mission to finish what I started 23 years ago.  At the age of 19 I set off to live out my dreams and see the world.  I had an incredible, crazy, awesome,and sometimes dangerous 8 years of self exploration.  Unfortunately I ended up more lost then when I started my journey, but it was a hell of a ride!  The next 10 years were defined more by tragic occurrences happening repeatedly by my own inability to leave a bad situation.  There are often moments in life we would like a chance to change, for me that moment is the spring of 1997.  I had just come to terms with the idea that I was going to be a mom in 8 short months.   I knew only one thing, her co-creator was not the daddy type and certainly was very bad for my existence. My roommate felt differently and spilled the beans.  We decided we were going to give this a try and moved back to my hometown to begin our journey into adulthood.  Now he actually had some very good daddy moments that surprised me over the years.  He could swaddle better then anyone I knew, sing her to sleep, and play pretend pretty darn well. Then there was the time he got her a full size drum set for her 2nd Christmas, no you could not see her, but she had a blast banging away on it.  He was there for her first step, and taught her how to ride a bike, overall he had good times with her.  

     Our relationship however was toxic to both of us.  He honestly had a complete inability to stay in a monogamous relationship.when we met he was the tender age of twenty and his number of partners was already at close to fifty by what we could tell.  Yes I know I should have run right then.  By the time we had separated for the last time that number had doubled. He also had a complete inability to keep a job, so fiances were always my responsibility.  He was at times cute and goofy and charming.  He had a lot of passion for his career and for music. Had we stayed separated the first time we may have remained friends. Instead we kept coming back together, his drinking, cheating, and general life skills took a nosedive and I berated him for it.  This only led to more drinking and what was an emotionally and financially toxic relationship turned downright violent.  I shut down and became a ghost in the mirror.  I lost all of myself until one day I could take no more and left for good.  

     It took 6 months for me to learn to sleep again.  It took 1 year to really laugh for the first time.  It took 5 years to figure out how to live life my way all over again.  I found my independence, my spirit, my confidence.  I once again was in charge not only in my work life but in my personal life as well.  It felt good to be working my way back up from the grave I was in.  I was OK.

     This morning I woke up and looked in the mirror and had to be completely honest with myself.  I have taken 4 steps back and it is not a pretty sight.  There is no Disney film to describe this moment. I am once again keeping my mouth shut, needlessly worrying about things I have no control over, and in general acting like the mouse I had become for survival back then.  Only problem is,  this is my problem now.  I am not in danger and life is good, but for some reason my self is running scared.  I am doing stupid things, not taking care of business, and in general acting like an idiot.  I may sound a bit harsh, but seriously I need a reality check here.  So today I looked in the mirror with complete disgust and said "no more"!  I will not make stupid decisions, I will not keep quiet, I will be myself and either people will like me or not. I can not control what other people think about me and honestly never had a problem with friends that I did not create myself.  I have always kept people at a distance, but that's my fault not theirs.  I will take care of business and in 6 short months the final part of my journey back will be complete.  I will once again be a homeowner.  This means more to me then just about anything.  It will be my final step, my way of feeling accomplished, and it will not matter that I will have no furniture to put in it, all sold off long ago, it will be mine. I will lay in the middle of the living room floor like in my first house and just grin from ear to ear.  This will be my final step forward, and I know the next 10 years are going to be amazing.  

A Little More

In The Blink of an Eye

     It is early Saturday morning. I went downstairs to make breakfast when I looked outside and was dumbfounded.  There are no leaves on the trees in my backyard.  When did that happen?  The mountains still show signs of color but it is dwindling fast.  Where did fall go?  This is quite possible the first year with none of my favorite activities.  There was no camping, hiking, drives in the mountains, time to enjoy all the beautiful colors.  I am so depressed right now.  I know there are so many more big things in life to worry about.  In the great big picture of life this is nothing, but in my own little corner this is everything.  So for today I mourn the loss of a season, because in reality it does signify a much bigger problem and that worries me a little more then a little bit.

What Makes A Holiday Special?

Fourth of July?

    The stores are stocked, the commercials have hit the air, and the radio stations have begun playing holiday songs. Yes it is the first week of November and apparently Christmas has arrived.  I actually began seeing Christmas displays in early October, before Halloween, seriously I understand economics and the need for any excuse to increase revenue, but October?  For as long as I can remember my favorite holiday was the Fourth of July.  I mean how can you not love a holiday that's sole purpose is celebration?  Think about it.  the Fourth of July is an outdoor celebration involving friends, family, fireworks, and cook outs. There is no religious connotations or separations.  There are no gifts, or pressure to please, very few decorations, and plenty of space for everyone to be together with out killing each other!  Now look at the winter holiday season.  First is the separation of at least 4 major religious celebrations.  There is no one moment everyone celebrates.  Next is the pressure to buy presents for family, friends, bosses, teachers, coaches, your cleaning lady, hairdresser, mailman, oh and don't forget your kids, and nieces and nephews, god children, uggg I am exhausted and broke just thinking about it! No wonder they start holiday sales in October.  It takes that many paychecks to afford all that!  

     Now I don't want you to think me a Grinch. I am actually quite the opposite of the mean old Grinch.  I adore Christmas.  I am already watching Hallmark Movie Channel religiously and I do not watch TV on a normal basis the rest of the year.  I watch football, the news, and a when time allows I pull up things on Netflix.  This time of year I watch a years worth of television in 2 months.  I am playing Christmas music in the car and driving my daughter nuts, and yes I have made a secret batch of Christmas cookies for fun.  

     What makes the holidays special for me is the magic.  I love sitting in front of the fireplace with the tree all lit up.  I love snow falling in the moonlight.  I really love time with friends and family.  I am not a religious person but every Christmas eve I watch midnight mass with the Pope on TV.  This may seem funny but I am not baptized so I did not grow up with a church.  To me Midnight Mass seems like the real deal,  it is peaceful and calming and unadulterated. I enjoy baking and the holidays are an excuse to go to town.  This time of year should go by so slowly.  It should be a time to relax and energize both your body and your mind. For centuries winter meant exactly this. People did not farm, or travel, or run around in the cold dead of winter. Modern inventions mean we no longer have downtime.  People work and travel and run around 7 days a week.  We have even lost the supposed 7th day of rest!  When I was a kid very few things were open on Sundays.  This meant few people worked and there was no place to go.  We simply relaxed or visited family.  In the winter when it snowed schools actually closed and people stayed home.  I miss this life.  This is what the winter holidays mean to me.  The magic is in the waiting, relaxing, and in the peace that you can only feel after a good heavy snowfall. Did you ever listen to just how quiet it is during a snow storm? The air is so heavy sound just does not travel.  

     I still love Fourth of July the best of all holidays, but the magic of Christmas is in the air and I fully intend to enjoy it, my way, at peace.  As for all the gifts, I believe in giving and think everyone should get one special gift. I buy local, love small business Saturday, and hand made gifts as well.  I will never get caught up in Black Friday or holiday deals, or the toy of the season.  It is the spirit of giving, not the price or quantity of the gifts that count. 

Happy Holidays...

     

Sweet Sixteen

Oh to be young again

     My darling daughter is turning 16 in two short months.  It is hard to believe and it has been a hell of a ride.  She is an amazing girl.  I am not just saying this because I am mom.  We have definitely had our moments and went through a really rough spell just recently.  She is smart, funny, artistic, and most important in this family, she is witty. I really do love everything about her!  Her most endearing quality however is her most major flaw.  My daughter never has had any concept of what things really cost.  She really and truly does not understand money.  The current topic of conversation is of course about a car.  She knows somewhere deep down that a car cost money, insurance cost money, gas cost money.  I am thinking first car should be around 3-5 thousand.  It should be safe and well maintained.  After all my darling daughter does NOT HAVE A JOB!!!

    Today, while at school she is car shopping on her phone, my tax dollars going to good use. I get a slew of text messages saying how she has found the one, she is in love, lots of little hearts and such.  At first I think she is talking about her boyfriend, then I worry she is not talking about her boyfriend.  Then I get it, the picture, the object of her desire.

I almost burst out laughing.  I mean it is a sweet jeep and I want it too!  Only 40,000 miles, I mean who owns a jeep and keeps it locked up.  That is a sin Jeeps are meant to live rough and live well! I almost burst out laughing because of the comment " and it's only $24,000".  This is a good deal in her mind.  She does not think that I currently work 2 jobs just to keep us going now.  She does not realize that this is absolutely not something I can afford.  To her it is no different then a day of shopping.  I have some work to do!

     My first car was a 1985 Ford Escort with no engine.  Seriously the car was my dads and when the engine blew up he said if you can fix it you can have it.  So I did just that, put in an engine, ( I had been working since 13 so this was doable) and off I went.  The freedom was amazing.  I can not remember a time in my life when freedom meant so much.  I drove everywhere just to drive.  Gas was 86 cents a gallon back then so we all drove just for fun.  I maintained that car like a baby.  She never missed an oil change or tune up and in return she took me all over the east coast for 11 years of my life.  

     Since that first car it should be noted that I have never owned a new car.  This is by choice not by circumstance.  I have to drive a lot for a living and I can put up to 30 thousand miles a year on a car.  Do the math on that gas and you know why I have a second job!  I drive my cars into the ground then after 5 years I get another.  I have never paid more then 12 thousand and always get my money out of them.  They are always nice newer midsize cars like a Malibu or Impala.  I look for cars that are young with high miles.  A salesman drove it and usually highway miles so they really are not in bad condition.  This has never steered me wrong.  I hope to pass this philosophy on to my daughter and that it will benefit her well.  But for now I will let her dream.  After all that is what being 15 is all about.  The dream to drive, the dream of freedom, the dream of a cool car.  Who knows maybe I will win the lottery before then!  Guess I would get my dream jeep as well if that happens!

 Old school.....

A Home For Everyone

A house is not a home until you make it your own.

     I absolutely love days when everything falls into place.  About two months back I ran into a gentleman I had not seen in several years.  I had worked with his wife until she passed away from cancer.  He randomly walked into my open house during a busy day and I only had a moment to say hello and see how he had been.  A few weeks later we met and he told me someone had knocked on his door and wanted to buy his home.  Yes that really does happen!  We talked and I contacted the couple to go over the process with them.  When I took them through the home I knew it belonged to them.  It is important that your home fits who you are.  In this case it was more important that the home would continue to be well cared for.  My friend had built the home with his wife and letting it go was going to be an emotional experience, but he wants and needs a smaller place and less maintenance.  

     The deal almost did not happen as disagreements on price cropped up.  After touring other homes I could see her first choice was still the only choice.  It was her home and my friend knew she would care for it well.  Today an agreement was reached and I am soaring.  

     I remember every space I ever lived in.  Some places meant more then others, but none have ever been home.  I know what it looks like.  I can see it in my mind, in my dreams, and one day it will exist.  For my friend that was his time.  That was the home that meant the most.  For the new buyers, this will be that place, a place to call home.  

My Idea Of A Good Time

Nothing makes me happier then a good group of friends around a camp fire. 

Respect

Sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you...

     We all grew up with that little saying.  It was taught to us at an early age usually by a parent or friend who found us crying from a friend or siblings mean words.  In the late 90's we began to talk about bullying and how devastating it was to our children. As the years progressed and the internet and social networking blossomed bullying took on a whole new meaning.  Today we hear of suicides from online attacks and they have websites kids can join that will literally spam someone hateful, hurtful tweets, postings, and emails.  Can you imagine getting 10,0000 post in one day that says "your ugly", "your unwanted", " you should kill yourself".  Words can hurt and words can kill.  This is not someone else problem.  I promise you no matter how perfect your child is at some point they have made someone cry in their lifetime.  We as a society have got to come up with solutions for the world wide reach of the internet.  The internet and social networking are not going away so how do we make it a safer world for our children and in turn ourselves?  

     Children who are bullied at home often bully others in school.  The first step then is to watch what you say to your children.  I remember my own daughter getting picked on in the first grade by this little girl a year older.  I began to notice that every morning at drop off this little girls mom berated her all the way to the front door and most likely all morning as well.  My heart broke for her as she was just lashing out from all the terrible feelings she had inside of her.  I showed my daughter several times and she began to understand and not let her bother her anymore.  This little girl so damaged by her own mother, grew up to be a "mean girl".         Mean girl is a term made popular by the television series but they have been around for a very long time. These are the kids who appear popular and travel in cliques that intentionally target individuals and bring them down as low as they can, like a game.  This is not new.  They learned this behavior at home watching their parents and listening to the way they talk about their own friends and associates.  They will go on to become the same parent and raise the same kids.  This is a cycle of violence just like any other.  

    Step two then would be awareness of the families that your children hang out with and awareness of your own friends and associates.  As adults we can make choices with whom we associate with.  We may have to work with people we do not like but we certainly do not have to maintain friendships with them.  We also have a greater ability and responsibility to speak up when we hear adults behaving badly.  This is most obvious on playing fields across the country.  We hear parents berating their children all the time in the middle of games and practices.  Many teams have curbed this by throwing out parents who can not be respectful but it still occurs.  Make sure your team does not tolerate bad parents. We also can hear colleagues and bosses talk down to our fellow employees. Do not agree just to keep the peace.  

     Step three is not to allow it in your own life.  This is probably the most difficult step of all.  How often have our own loved ones, children, spouses, significant others hurt our feelings.  Why do we put up with it and accept it as ok.  Remember the little girl that picked on my daughter.  Do you think someone who grew up with a lifetime of attacks even knows that they are hurting your feelings, lowering your self esteem, tearing you apart.  Chances are many people do not even realize that they are saying something hurtful.  This entire story was born from a comment from someone in my own life last night.  I know for a fact that he has no idea that my feelings are hurt.  I know he has no idea that he even said anything wrong.  It is often the people we care about most that can hurt us the worst.  I sit here slightly damaged but unable to tell him because I don't want to seem silly or worse yet have my feelings dismissed.  The cycle does not go away until we take charge and create the world we want to live in, until we surround ourselves with good people.  We must be the ones to make a world for our children to grow up in that is tolerant and a bit kinder. This world needs a couple generations of good people to make it right again.  Our world, country, economy, friends, family, and children are relying on this generation to make things right.  Start today and start at home, raising your children with a good firm love that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

     

Family Strong

It's Been My Privilege

      Just a few short months ago a party was held for an amazing woman.  I did not know at the time that she was amazing,  I knew in advance that she had been battling cancer for some time.  I knew that she wanted to have a blow out party in case her upcoming operation did not go well.  I did not know what family looked like until I met this bunch of wild, crazy, amazing and loving women and their odd man out brother.  I could not tell she was sick, I could not tell if she was afraid but that night I saw a light and energy surrounding her and all her family.
     A few days later she endured an 15 + hour operation to remove a tumor that was intertwined with her intestines. What started out as ovarian cancer had spread.  She again made it through and things were looking good.  I have to believe the support of her family made all the difference in the world.  Sometimes that is just not enough.  A few weeks later her body began to fail her and she was put on hospice.  Her brother welcomed her and the entire family into his home, his man cave if you will.  His world was turned upside down but in a good way.  I could tell he lived for this.  He likes to be needed and likes family around.  He had a renewed spirit that I knew existed somewhere inside of him but rarely get a chance to see.  This is the side of him I like best.  This is the side I fell in love with but am only privy to in stories from his past.  I hope one day to share in that spirit and be a part of that world.
    The first week or so went really well.  The sisters and friends rallied around her for support.  Her twin daughters were so very strong.  I can not imagine if I were in their shoes how hard it would be.  There were make overs and spa days and 24/7 care.  Again the spirit and energy that emits from this crew is incredible. Each one so very different yet so very similar.   This past weekend was not as joyful.  She went through the stages of denial and  still wanting to fight, through to acceptance and learning to let go all in the course of a week. Only love is capable of making this happen.  The support of a strong family makes all the difference in the world
     The final 48 hours were the most amazing to witness as an outsider this time.  Offering to help where I could, sometimes just being there to talk and share in the stories they shared about her life.  The family still rallied around, helping each other now and letting her know it was ok to let go.
     I am not a religious person but I am in awe of that final day.  Her brother left his phone at home and when he realized it went home to retrieve it. At the same moment in time she was slipping away. There is no denying the possibility that this was meant to happen this way.  At the end her daughter heard her say "God?" as if she could see him standing before her. This brave young women told her it was ok, then she simply said "ok" and slipped away.
If ever there were words I would want to here a loved one say in their final moments that would be it.  There was not going to be a funeral or service so they all had a chance to say their final goodbyes in the comfort of the home, surrounded by each other.  I can not think of anything better.  I always disliked funerals because they never felt comforting, this was exactly that.  They could be themselves and laugh and joke and cry all together.  Nothing stuffy or formal but so perfectly them.  Later that evening the clan gathered for drinks and in a bar I have been in hundreds of times, in walked regulars but with a monkey in tow.  The ultimate distraction walked right through the door.  It made everyone laugh and smile and feel a little better because animals have a way of doing that.  The entire reason we keep pets is generally very selfish reasons, they make us feel good.  Even the date could not be more fitting.  she fought an entire extra day when by no means should her body have held on that long.  She passed away on Halloween. She loved children and worked with them with a passion, so for her day of remembrance to be on a childrens holiday could not be more fitting.
     The house is quiet again and I am pretty sure dad and son miss the noise already.  I still feel the energy, something has changed.  I know she is there.  This tough bear of a man gained a new connection with a family he had lost for so long.  This connection was so very much needed in his life. She will live on not just in their hearts but in that renewed connection as well.  I can not help but think she is smiling down here on that very thought.  Although I know she did not know it at the time, her passing birthed new life.  Family is precious and often taken for granted.  For those with strong family ties can not realize how lonely it is for those with out.  She brought two families back together again and I really believe that connection will remain.  There is a positive to all tragedy. I have seen it in my own life and now I see it in theirs.  It has been a privilege.

Sleepless Ramblings

Every Decade Begins Anew.

     I remember 12.  I remember my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first feeling of absolute power!  This moment will happen several times in your life if you are lucky, more often if you are blessed with true confidence.  I learned early on that being pretty was a passing thing but confidence was something no one could resist.  I may not be a cheerleader or a model or even cute, but I could wear confidence like a pair of Manolo Blahniks.  This has gotten me very far in life, farther then I earned or deserved in most situations. In most jobs I was often promoted quickly due to my fantastic knowledge base ( confidence).  In school I was given better grades by arguing my point ( confidence) and in social situations I became mama due to being wise beyond my years ( confidence). Now do not get me wrong I am not an idiot and I always worked diligently to uphold what I was given, but the most ironic part of this story is my absolute lack of confidence.       In my teens I was confident that I could make every boy a friend so that my fears of dating would not be noticed.  I made myself love sports to hang with my buddies.  In my twenties I had to date to appear somewhat normal so I used crutches to become the party girl I was not.  In my thirties I lived with someone who completely destroyed what was left of my self respect but stayed out of fear or maybe a fear of failure.  

     Now I am in my forties and I am spent.  I have nothing left to give but I am not giving up.  If  I could fake it for 40 years damn it I can fake it until I make it now!  At work and with friends I can seem in control.  With strangers I am in complete control!  I made a fantastic bartender for that reason alone.  I could flirt and advise with the best of them.  With people who get close to me, well forget about it.  I am a complete idiot with no sense of self or even ability to put together a decent thought!  Seriously why is it I can run a support group or take the stage and talk to 500 people with no problem, but put me one on one and I clam up.  

    Confidence is sexy if you wear it well.  I can wear it for everyone except the people that really matter.  Now I realize that means that I am just pretending and it is not real, I do get that.  I have always believed if you run enough miles you can call your self a runner. I believed that if I acted confident long enough then I would be confident!  Will someone please tell me when exactly that will occur!  Yes at this point in my life I want an exact date and time.  I do not want to be the grand nanny in a nursing home at 90 keeping every one else going strong.  I want it now, the power and courage and confidence to pursue my goals and dreams, and to be who I feel inside. I will not sit back and enjoy the ride anymore.  I want to drive the car and be in control of my own life for a change.  I want the people who matter most to me to respect me and trust me. 

   It is time to be 12 again and feel the power that a kiss can hold.  I am confident, and I am proud, and I can do this thing called life.  I do not have all the answers but I sure as hell will not stop trying to find them.  The next 40 years will be amazing.  That is what I call sexy...

Random Rant

You Just Don't Understand!

     How many times did we say those words as teenagers?  How many times do we have to hear them as parents?  My darling daughter is now 15 years old and apparently never talking to me again with any form of love in her heart.  She walks around looking sullen, sad, no down right miserable all the time.  Sorry let me correct that, she looks this way when she is around her family.  I suppose many parents go through this.  The once loving, doting, adorable child that smiled and laughed on a daily basis suddenly disappears and an alien being invades the home.    She still can not remember to do her one and only chore or keep a house key on her, but has dreams of driving in a few short months!  I don't think so is my current mantra.  She says I can not understand what she is going through, that times are different, she says " you did not even have the internet when you were my age"! 

     Wow, she is right we had the party line on a phone with a cord! I am soooo old!  I am 42 by the way and really can not believe the world has changed so much in my lifetime.  I am pretty sure that we still had boys, drinking, drugs, and drama when I was 15.  I am also sure that I disliked my parents for much more significant reasons! I am most sure that her life is not nearly as horrible as she feels at this moment.  

     The thing that kills me the most, this is where single and divorced parents can relate, her father can do no wrong.  He is cool and understands her, he gets it. Well of course he does he is less mature then the boys her own age!  I spent years teaching my daughter not to use the word hate.  But that does not even begin to describe my feelings for her father.  His broken promises, inability to keep a job, refusal to help in any financial way or my favorite his refusal to babysit his daughter led us to be where we are in life.  I will admit it is 100% my fault that I let him back in our lives not once, not twice, but three times! Sometimes it was a true desire that he and our daughter would be close.  Then there were the times I was just downright afraid of the consequences.  She lost her school, and we lost our house from those broken promises.  I lost my ability to trust a man for years.  I also hid everything from her, so in all fairness she does not know the half of it.  

     For most of her life I held 2 jobs to make ends meet.  My degree is in social services so that does not pay the bills.  For the last 6 years since we lost the house, which was in my name, and I left him for good,  I have been busting my butt to give her everything she wants and repair my credit.  After I left I was afraid to be in a place he would come to so I moved us in with my mother for a year.  My mother became ill during that time and so we stayed longer.  I could have moved last year but she is in constant need of large sums of money for her activities.  This has made saving a down payment very difficult. I continue to work 2 jobs and still try and live a life now and then. 

     For the first time in 17 years I am dating someone new.  He is the complete opposite of her dad and an amazing man.  My daughter refuses to accept this.  She literally told me I can wait to date until she goes away to college! Her father has been dating, living, and fully supported by a young gal for the last 6 years who my daughter gets along with.  She will not even acknowledge that my friend exist.  I have met and like both of his children and most of his family.  He has not met anyone on my side which I know has to bug him.

    "You just don't understand"!   These words are on the tip of my tongue all the time but never come out.  How is it that a man who payed nothing for you, did nothing for you, finds it difficult to find the time to spend 4 hours a week with you while he is unemployed for years at a time, how is he the good parent?  I just don't understand!  I would like to have a partner of my own, someone who will love me and I can love back for the first time ever, but I am not allowed?  I just don't understand!  

    I do understand the sacrifices many a parent has made over the years to make sure their children grow into happy, healthy, productive adults.  I hear the echos of those words everywhere.  I have made a thousand sacrifices for her that she will never fully understand, and I would do it all over again.  I just wish she could understand the depth of my love for her and how much I need and want her love in return.  Someday perhaps she will know.  I do not wish my life on her.  I want her to have a perfect life.  I want her to find love and adventure and peace.  My wish for her is simple, complete happiness, that is my wish for her in what ever she does in life.  

     I do understand.  she just will not know that for 20 years.