Look With Your Heart

     Live in the heart.  Such a simple little phrase.  It is human nature to think, analyze, review, and repeat. We often spend so much time thinking, dreaming, and worrying that we never rest.  To live in the heart is to just be. To find peace one must stop living in their head.  To find happiness one must follow their heart.  Following the heart has little to do with romantic love, although it has its place. When one follows their heart they follow their passion, their instinct, something that pulls them forward from the bottom of their soul.  I remember as a child I wanted to make movies.  The pull was so strong that it was painful.  The idea that something painful can be good for you is a foreign concept to many. To want something so much with no thought is as basic as it gets.  
     I look at it more as a need.  To survive we need food, water, and shelter from the elements.  To thrive we need something to live for.  Some live for family others for work and still more live for pleasure.  What ever your motivator the best way to achieve happiness in the pursuit of it is to take time to do absolutely nothing.  Americans are especially guilty of living in their heads.  They work themselves to death.  They over schedule their lives and their childrens lives.  We spend so much time trying to get every last drop out of life that we never enjoy the moment.  
     Other cultures take time to relax.  Some cultures indulge in long holidays.  Other cultures take long breaks every afternoon. It is in those moments that we discover ourselves and what makes us happy. Take time to just do nothing and sit quiet with your heart.  I specify heart because to sit quiet with your mind can be an exhausting experience.  There is a time and place for sitting with your thoughts as some brilliant ideas have been born of quiet reflection.  This exercise is about the pursuit of happiness not dreams. What makes you happy.  What makes you smile.  What makes your heart swell and your body tingle.  Is it a hobby, a passion, a person: what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning.  Is there something or someone that you feel one with.  Something so big yet so basic living without it would be like living without air.  I have a friend who is a writer.  Writing is like breathing for him.  He may not write a thing for 6 months, but then one day a story pours out of him and his friends and family will not see him for 6 weeks.  He can not stop it no more then he can stop breathing.  Another friend builds things and works much the same way.  When he begins a project from the moment he envisions it until the final nail is hit he can not stop.  
     They both spent the first half of their lives working 9-5 and going through the motions of life like so many others.  It was not until a tragedy fell upon them that they stopped and just listened to their hearts and let that be their guide.  Many refer to this as a midlife crisis, or a second life, what ever you call it if you are in it at this very moment then stop.  Take a moment to empty your mind, feel your heart, and truly listen to what it is telling you.  Who or what is pulling you down your new path.  Let your heart guide you to those who will support your new life and let go of those who expect you to do as you have always done.  

Internal Dialogue

Internal Dialogue

     People who talk to themselves are crazy.  I remember hearing that phrase quite often as a kid, and so in my young mind I was crazy.  I had a constant internal dialogue.  That young little girl made up stories and plays, songs and music, conversations that were one way as well as two!  It was not until college that I realized that everyone does this in some form or another.  My imagination may have been greater then most and my inability to quiet my own mind is still a struggle to this day.  I have tried yoga and meditation with some success, but there has been only a very select few things in this world that have truly brought me peace.  I remember an exercise I learned in school that I would go on to teach in support groups.  Talk to the empty chair.  The goal was to practice a major conversation on your self first.  The object was to play both sides so you could take ownership of your own responsibility  in the problem that existed.  The initial reaction was always the same.  " I can't do this". " I feel stupid". " "I can't predict what they will say".  To this I would respond, " you are already doing this very exercise everyday of your life.  We all have an internal dialogue. We predict what our partners, children, friends, family, and co-workers will say to us all the time!  People are usually very accurate in what the other person will say because whether we know it or not we pay attention to so much more then we realize on a day to day basis. 

     The really hard part of the exercise was self communication.  There was a particular support group I ran that had individuals with very battered self esteems.  Their internal dialogue was so negative they did not need any one else to tell them they were not good enough.  It was my goal to convince them that they were their own worst enemy.  I started by having them just write words on paper that popped into their head a lot.   The word "why" was universal.   Most of the women began  their internal conversations with why dozens of times a day.  They were searching for answers.  

     I told them to pick a positive saying and every time they heard themselves say "why " in their minds they had to repeat the saying.  It actually got to be a very fun exercise with the large age range that existed in this group.  One elderly woman who had lived through a lifetime of abuse often followed her why with " you don't deserve it", so when she wanted to buy something as simple as a nick knack or treat she would stop herself.  A young girl in the group, I believe she was about 19 told her to follow her why with "because I'm a hot mamma".  The next week at group this frail little woman with no confidence and so much fear, walked into the room beaming and looking 50 years younger.  We asked how her week was.  She said she has not stopped smiling all week long.  She had not laughed so much since she was a little girl.  I asked her what the big change was.  It turns out she would say "why" to just about every thing she did in life.  So all day long she had to keep repeating to herself, " because I'm a hot mamma"!  This phrase made such an impact on her that by the second week she had bought a dress, gone to a beauty parlor and even got her nails painted for the first time in literally decades!  This woman was 87 years old and living free and happy for the first time in 70 years!  I believe if she could make a life change and be happy just by changing her internal dialogue then truly any one can do this.  

     That group was 10 years ago and I just thought of her today when I noticed my own internal dialogue has taken quite a nosedive lately.  So in honor of this incredible spirit I will repeat her words for the next week. " I am a hot mamma"!

Alone in a Crowded Room

Alone In A Crowded Room

  

     I have a friend who feels alone.  She thinks there is something wrong with her.  She has done amazing things and helped hundreds of people.  She has traveled the globe in search of herself.  Every where she goes people love and adore her.  She makes them laugh and brightens their day.  So why does such an amazing person feel so bad?  The answer lies with in.  One can be in a crowed room of friends and family celebrating, laughing, and seemingly having a great time, but still feel all alone in the world.  Something is missing and she can travel to the end of the earth to find it, but "it" will not be there waiting for her.  What she has lost is herself.  I have not know this friend very long but I almost wonder if she ever really knew who she was to begin with.  Finding one's self is a very personal journey.  For some they are born knowing who they are from the start.  There are others that go to the grave still searching.  Most of us find ourselves some where in the middle of our lives.

     There are different types of loneliness. The loneliness she feels is from feeling nothing at all.  She can't understand how this can be.  It may where a thousand mask, but in its basic form it is simply depression.  Depression is not an awful thing.  There is no shame and no fear from a disease that has been around since the dawn of time.  Some people suffer it for a week, or a month , or a year.  Others live with it an entire lifetime.  That does not mean they do not live life.  That is a choice one must make.  You can let the disease own you or you can own your disease.  I have chosen the latter.   

It is my hope that i can offer her my friendship long enough to chose life as well.  Living life is a beautiful thing and too many people take a back seat.  They feel disconnected from everything around them.  What I have learned is that not everyday or week will be fantastic.  There are days or even weeks that I do not feel like I could possible smile.  I do for the sake of those around me, but it does not reach my eyes.  I am told my smile lights up my face.  I assume when I fake it that those who know me well can see that it is not real, but they rarely say anything.  I know now is not the time to help her as I can barely help myself right now.  I long to turn to someone for support but have spent too many years being the support system that I no longer have one of my own.  I go through the emotions each day and I watch her do the same.  I feel hollow and incredibly sad.  She looks the same.  I understand this will get better, I hope she does as well.  

     

I think I Will Take a Trip

Why...

     I think I will take a trip.  I want to take my daughter to NYC.  She has been there several times for American Girl bus trips sponsored by a local tea shop.  She has Seen Central Park and Macy's and all the normal sights.  She has never seen "my New York".

Why do we do that, as parents, we hide ourselves from our children.  I hear parents laugh at parties and say " if my kids only knew how cool I was".  Why don't they know.  I understand how it happens but I can not put my finger on the why.  These are not bad people or morally unsound.  Many are no different then they were in school and yet they put on this fake parental air when the kids are around.  Do they think it will make them seem more authoritative.  We as adults know we are all just floundering along in this parenthood thing, so why make it harder by putting undo pressure on yourself and pretend to be someone you are not.   When my daughter was young we were so carefree and happy together.  It did not mean that I was her friend or that I lost any power.  She listened to me and quite honestly I think she listened more back then! When we moved to the suburbs it was like some mist of conformity surrounded us.  She tried to be preppy and I tried to be a soccer mom.  It did not work out so well for either of us, and now we have lost 5 precious years of real bonding time.  

     I am putting an end to that.  I will not hide who I am for I am not ashamed of me.  I am not a corporate executive like my mom, and I am not a PTA "make the cookies mom" like my best friend.  I am me.  I like to write, take pictures, and explore new places.  It is who I am.  She still calls me her "lil hippie momma" but I have not seen me in a while.  It feels good to be back.  I feel a freedom washing over me as I except who I am is who I am meant to be.  In many life times I have traveled and yet my soul remains constant.  I am always this being.  I am home in this body and these thoughts are comforting.  

     This fall we will go to NYC and go to Saint Marks Place to see all the band shops, go to coffee shops and book stores and art galleries.  We will walk along Broadway at 2 in the morning when the town is really alive.  We will lay in the grass in Central Park on a Sunday morning when this massive bustling city is unimaginably quiet. We will paint clouds in the sky like when she was young, and talk about life.  

    I think I will take a trip... Back to my self...

Storms

Stormy Days

     I love storms.  Rainy days do not make me feel sad or depressed, quite the opposite.  Rainy days like today make me smile.  They give me a chance to relax, slow down, listen to old favorites and write a bit.  It is currently raining like mad and over the soothing sounds of Kathleen Edwards on my laptop I can hear thunder in the distance.  I can remember as a child of 7 or 8  I would hide under the kitchen table, talking to my cousin until a storm past.  Home alone and terrified the lights would go out, he would count with me on the phone as the time between the lightening and thunder grew closer together. I would close my eyes and squeeze them real tight so I would not eve see the flashes of lightening when it was right over us.  Then he would count with me again as the storm passed and the time grew farther apart.  He was never alone his mom or dad or sister was always there.  I guess it is easy to be brave when you have family.  
     As I got older the lights going out did not bother me anymore.  I actually preferred to read and write by candlelight.  It reminded me of a simpler time in life.  When storms passed I would open the windows and listen for the thunder and the fall of the rain.  I have the windows open now and it is a beautiful sound.  

Going To Get It Right For Once

     My entire life I have done things backwards.  I live in a constant state of reverse.  My thoughts race to the finish line before my body can catch up or my mouth can form words.  This has been a source of frustration for everyone around me and a setback in every thing I do.  Just once in my life I would like to do things right.  I am making a conscious effort from this day forward to slow down.  I will think before I speak.  I will look before I leap.  I will prepare before I present.  I will organize my life.  These words will be my daily mantra.
    Now of course this is easier said then done!  Even now as I sit here typing this my thoughts are 3 pages ahead.  I believe clutter is a sign of ones mental health and if that is the case I have some cleaning to do!  This week I will focus on clearing my desk, cleaning out my home, and letting go of the past.  The box of letters from Junior high was fun to share with my daughter but they have served their purpose and now must go.  The even bigger box of cards from years of birthdays reminds me I am loved but do I need reminding?  My time is better served living with these loved ones in the here and now and making new memories.  Newpapers, magaizines, and junk mail - you must go! The years of school collages are over and your presence is no longer needed. 
     Next will be the people in my life.  Many are good wonderful people and I have not treasured them enough in the past several years.  To you I promise to spend more quality time reconnecting and valuing our friendships.  There are others that only bring me down, and I am OK with saying goodbye.  Life is too short to live with the drama of your lives when no matter how often you know what to do to make it better but choose not to.   I will wish you well and send positive wishes out into the universe for you.  I hope you will find happiness one day.
     When I have started working on these goals I will start on my final goal.  I have never experienced a true and loving healthy relationship.  I will work on allowing people into my life that I could spend time with for me.  I have purposely blocked men from my life to avoid  dating.  I turn every guy into a "friend".  I do not know how to be in a relationship.  I promise myself to date and have fun and most importantly I will learn what a relationship is.  I want a man in my life to be a friend and a lover.  I do not want to me smothered but I do want to be desired and appreciated.  I do not need a rich man but I do want an equal.  I want to have someone to turn to when I need a shoulder to cry on, to share a laugh with, and yes to open a jar!  I want someone I can be "me" with. I want to be silly and goofy and go out as a couple.  I want to stop being the strong independent single mom "aka the third wheel".  Yes I want a man in my life and I am not ashamed to admit it! I need a good man in my life!  To many of us have come to believe this garbage we speak.  I do not need any one I am a woman and I can do it all.  I am a single mom and I am super woman.  I can be both a mother and a father, I can move heavy objects, and cut the grass and change my tires.  Yes it is true I really can do these things but I don't want to do them alone anymore!  
All of these thought will become actions.  I am sending them out to the universe and I believe they will come true....

Repetition

Repetition - the act of repeating...
     Every one lives by repetition.  I do not care who you are or where you live or what you do for a living; at some point on a day to day basis you repeat yesterday.  Some people need this constant in their lives to survive.  They get up at the same time and do the same thing everyday.  For others this lifestyle is a death sentence, literally it will drive them insane with boredom.  Most of us fall somewhere in the middle.  As for me, I need to know that I have the option of doing some things every day.  I go to the gym.  I read something about current events.  I check my emails.  This is about the point in the morning when I say " what now"?  I am lucky to have a job that is ever changing.  Every day is a little different..  Still it is not enough and I crave more.  I need more.  I often feel like i am going to go insane if I just don't get in my car and go "anywhere"! When I was young I would do just that.  I would often pick up and go to other locations for a couple days, months, even years.  I can not do that now as my teen daughter would probably be a little upset if I disappeared. She has told me many times that we can just pick up and go somewhere else.  The girl in me says "yes lets do this"! the mom in me says " what are you doing you idiot?"  We both would love to live on the west coast for a while, but I can't just pick up and drive there with no plan.  That was easy to do when I only had to worry about me, but at the very least my daughter should have food and a good education.  She says I have no spirit.  I am not cool or fun anymore.  She is unfortunately very very right.  I am dying inside day by day.  I need to do things.  I need to travel.  I need to see other places and meet other people.  She will understand one day that some things are more important.  In 4 years she will be off to college and I will travel again.  For now I have to let her think this is what is right.  If I had raised her the way I wanted and not what every one said was right she would be a very different girl right now.  We would have traveled the world together and had many adventures.  I could have taught or counseled or saved the planet in a dozen different countries.  I think how cool it would have been for her to be raised that way and to know her mom's true spirit.  Sometimes we let life and others opinions get in the way.  I hope if I have taught her one thing in life, it is that you should value your own opinion the most.  She does remember the home school years.  Just last night she was reminiscing about when we would just pick up and go for the day to all kinds of places.  I would find something educational in each city and we would use it for all subjects.  I hope we will have times like that again one day.  She can come visit me on her school breaks where ever I may be.  I will write her real letters and mail them if mail still exist.  She will once again know the art of travel and exploration.  She will once again learn to appreciate other cultures and societies.  This will serve her well in her career.  Yes for now my life is on repeat, but nothing is constant and change is inevitable.  

Eye Contact

                                                           Eye Contact   

Someone said you drank to much
Someone said you danced in the streets
Someone said they new you
Someone cried your name

I walked past you more often then not
a "to go" gal 
a smile and a nod
Not tonight
Tonight I knew
That is what bothers me most

As a little girl I would tell what my family called tall tales. I told of exaggerated dreams they said.  A wild imagination on that one!  Only Grandma Jenny understood.  Yes I would go take a nap like a good little girl, but I did not sleep!  I could tell them what they talked about, what they ate and what they drank, but never left the room.  Grandma Jenny knew.  
I looked in your eyes tonight and froze with fear.  Why did't I stop you, I knew.
I could see death on you, like I could see the sun rise it was everywhere.
I could not smile and nod, I could not move. 
It was as strong as the night Grandma Jenny was having a heart attack.  I knew from hundreds of miles away.  I begged my family to call her , drive there, go save her, because I could not.
I knew the gun would come and my time would not end years before it happened I saw him, I saw me.
I knew dear cousin you tried to tell me to leave even though I stayed, I knew, you knew, he was bad news.
I see so much good everywhere 
The trees breathe, the leaves are alive
I see so many people with good intentions
I like to know
I like to see
I saved Grandma Jenny
I stopped many going down a bad path
Why was this time different

It was like you knew
     I hope your next life is easier...

Next Step

I watch history repeat itself.  
     The elders in the family are now grandparents and great grandparents.  My generation has all started families.  Our children are now reflections of ourselves.  The past year I have sat back and watched with complete and utter fascination the transformation that has taken place.  
     Every family is its own little branch, no not even a branch but a tree.  They carry traits of  the seeds that bore them, but due to time and circumstance they have become very different then the family they came from.  Every family has a major trauma at some point in its existence, ours was Derek.  
     Derek and I were born two months apart.  I was the older and certainly wiser one.  He was the strong daredevil type.  I was his conscience and he was my freedom.  We spent nearly every weekend and most of all summers together for the first 12 years of our lives.  We climbed trees, made forts, rode bikes, and conquered the world.  We made plans at that young age for our future families.  We would buy houses next to each other and raise our children together. For we did not realize that not all cousins were this close.  This was just our life and it was perfect.  Even when we got in trouble for the 100 things we did wrong each week, we still banned together and stuck to our stories.  There was no one that could break us apart.  His guy friends accepted I would always be around.  My girlfriends did the same.  
    The winter before his 12th birthday Derek got a cold.  He had a thing for getting perfect attendance every year since he was little so taking a sick day was not an option for him.  For the life of me I could not figure out why.  He played football and baseball and sang in the choir with a beautiful voice.  That year was a little different.  He never seemed his old self.  The cold kept getting worse.  I don't remember all the details of that winter.  I do remember the word that no one would say.
CANCER...  No one actually used the word cancer.  They called it Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  They called it 90% curable. They called it a bump in the road.  The Doctors said every thing would be fine.  They did not want to stunt his growth or affect his sports.  They would do a nice mild treatment and he would be all better.  This did not sound that bad.
     The next ten years were a blur of doctors and specialist.  Remissions and celebrations as well as the return of this dreaded illness and tears.  We all continued to grow up, but not so innocent anymore.  people were angry and hurt and frustrated.  His older sister felt abandoned and his younger sister never new an easy life.  This would forever reshape the personalities of my two cousins and change their relationship for ever.  
   Derek got to graduate from high school and walk to get his diploma - that was an incredibly hard task but a moment to be celebrated.  His friends took him to senior week and again helped him to feel like a normal teenager.  The next thing that stands out most in my mind is The Phone Call.
    I was at Temple University and it was the weekend before finals.  It is time to come home.  It won't be much longer.  I have never again drove with such a purpose.  I begged God to take me on the way home.  If he needed someone in heaven then take me.  In reality my life did not mean that much.  Derek was the angel.  He was the gift that never gave up, never stopped smiling.  Derek made sure every one else was ok when he was sick.  He comforted  his mom and dad and sisters, reassuring them he was fine even when he was dying.   I got to the hospital at 1 AM.  I held his hand and he opened his eyes and smiled.  It was the smile that told me we were in this together through thick and thin.  I sat down on the bathroom floor by his bed, I wanted him to see me whenever he opened his eyes.  I attempted to study through the tears flowing quietly down my cheeks, falling onto my papers and causing the ink to bleed.  I don't remember when morning came, but people began to flow in.  His breathing was slowing and he no longer opened his eyes.  I really do not remember what time it was.  We all stood around his bed and held hands. Silence had enveloped the room and I could hear every shallow breath.  His big sister finally found a voice and said very simple"it's ok Deekie you can go now"  and he did.
     That moment would change everyone for ever.  It had to be said.  He needed permission to stop fighting.  He needed to know we were ok.  His big sister would bear that cross for the rest of her life.  
     Time passed and the true devastation from that moment would not be felt for years.  I look back now in wonder at how much it changed an entire family tree.  His mother never recovered.  His father became hard and angry which was complete opposite of his nature. His big sister raised her children with such strict guidelines and I do not know if she even knew why.  She watched them like a hawk always afraid of losing them everyday. 
    His little sister met fell in love and married a man that bore so many similarities to Derek it was frightening.  I believe in my heart they were meant to meet.  It was not long after they were married that he himself was diagnosed with the big C.  Had it not been for her fear they may not have pushed so hard for the best doctors and experimental treatments that were brutal to the body.  He ended up losing an arm, but he gained a life and is in remission to this day.  His spirit is so similar.  He never gave up.  He learned to use that one arm for everything.  I treasure with all my heart watching him change his baby daughters diapers.  This was Derek's spirit shining through.
    What I love most is seeing the spirit of Derek in his sisters children.  As protected as they were raised and as damaged as the spirits of their mothers are, these kids are free.  They are smart and funny and wild.  From the youngest who is 5 to the oldest who now has her own little one.  Every last one of them has proven that a spirit lives on.  Some things can not be taken from a family, only side lined for a bit.  
    As for myself I  took comfort in helping others.  That was his true spirit and I carry that on.  I became an EMT the summer he passed away.  I graduated from college and became a crisis counselor for abused women and children.  I played with and gave his spirit to as many of the children in our family as I could.  I was the queen of playing pretend.  I wanted them to know that no matter what happened in life, their imagination would always protect them and guide them.  It has served them well.  I see that spirit most in my own daughter.  I raised her just as Derek and I had planned when were were so small.  We built forts, played in mud and never ever stopped pretending.  She looks out for the underdog, and even when she is not feeling on top of the world she still shines with a light that can never be put out.  The family tree is ever growing and changing.  There were highs and lows before this century and there will be more.  I still watch with fascination at how every generations personality has molded and shaped the next.  I enjoy seeing the youngest of our young, a boys boy if there was one, I can not wait to see him grow.  I am watching history repeat itself, but this time it will go on as it should...

Lessons Learned

I grew up in a house hold where a good work ethic was very important.  There were no sick days in my home, not that I did not attempt Oscar winning performances on test days!  I held thermometers up to light bulbs, painted dark eye shadow under my eyes for the dramatic walking zombie effect, and of course coughed up a lung, even though under normal circumstances I never had coughing fits.  My parents motto was, you will feel no better at home and probably worse.  They believed if you stop to think about being sick than you would surely succumb to that illness.  So I went to school through fevers, headaches, and sore throats.  I have to wonder these days if this motto was related more to a lack of ability to take off work themselves, or if they really believed it!  Here I am decades later and I still can not call off sick.  I have been really and truly sick for over two weeks now.  Every day I get up and go to work.  I feel absolutely terrible spreading germs this way.  Several nights I work a second job as well.   Here is the really funny part.  I have the ability to work from home as much as 75% of the time if needed.  I feel better and more accomplished if I go work in my office.  I could stay home in  warm comfy PJ's with a comforter and tea and still get the majority of my work done, but I don't!  Why do we torture ourselves this way?  I know I am not the only one.  I know there are more of you out there who repeat lessons we learned as a child well into adult hood even though they make absolutely no sense at all!  Now I know many are not so lucky.  I know there are millions of people out there who really can not take off work when they are sick.  This extends beyond that.   

     There are other odd things we learned as children and continue to repeat as adults.  My personal favorite for a few years was "wait till your father gets home" !  Now, I am a strong willed mother of a strong willed daughter so why would I teach her that her father or men in general hold more power?  The statement is very demoralizing to mothers every where.  As a now single mom I usually resort to the banshee scream when I have reached my wits end.  When she does occasionally see her father to this day he barely has to raise his voice to make an impact.  I created that! Society has created this myth that the father holds more power.  In actuality as children become teens no one has power but a mothers ability to snoop makes for great black mail material and that my friends is power!   

     I look back and realize that I am really not that different as I was as a child.  What is amazing is the vast amount of transformations and changes I made to get here.  I searched for years to figure out who I was going to be, and although with a different road taken here or there I may live in a different city and have a different career, I think I would still be the same person I am now.  Lessons my now teenage daughter is still learning.  Purple hair punk-ish clothes, and "mom you cant even begin to understand my life"... I think I still have that journal!  Someday she will see this and know, mom really did understand.  

BTW - thanks mom!