Heaven?

Another senseless death last night

The phone rang while I washed the dinner dishes.

It can wait.

     I came upstairs a few minutes later to see a call from my unofficial son.  A young man I took into my heart years ago who lost his mother at a young age.  He never actually calls.  He text and shows up with goofy grins from his latest love interest, but he never calls.  I call back immediately to see what is wrong and I am answered with a cry, a choked sob, words I can not process.  Tony (name changed) is dead.  I take a breath as he blurts out " I came down to get him for a ride and he is in bed, dead.  I am the first call - I tell him I am on my way and tell him to call the police, ambulance something.  I rushed there hoping they were wrong, hoping he had a weak pulse, something, anything. 

     As I pull up I see police everywhere, my goofy boy looks so lost and I reach for a hug as he breaks down.  There is no weak pulse, no saving him. Tony is dead, in his sleep, he was 25 years old.

     Inside are his cousin and fiance, talking to the police.  the three amigos, three young boys as much a family as they could be and now the youngest was gone.  I can not bring comfort as there is no way to make sense of young lives lost.  I can only be there for him and let him mourn.  Is there a heaven?  I do not know, but I think of it most when a young life is taken, that maybe there is a higher power and they are holding them now, letting them know they are OK and no longer in pain.  

I did not grow up with religion and I have turned to a god I do not know just as much as I have questioned his existence.  Some may call me a hypocrite, I call it lost.  

I can write no more today - I will explore this more when I can think.