Where Has Time Gone

TIME GOES TOO QUICK

     It seems like yesterday that all the children graduating this year were just babies themselves.  In many ways so many of them still are.  They say each generation is getting younger and less ready for the world, I really think these guys need a few more years to be kids.  I just can not see them as grown men and women. I still remember one of them in his mom's belly!  He has grown up to be a good young man, still unsure of what he wants to do in life.  So much like the other.  This young man I only met one short year ago.  It seems like a lifetime as I have watched him change and grow. He talks of being a marine and as amazing as that is it scares me to death. The third is a friends daughter who is vibrant and full of life.  She was such a lost little soul just 2 short years ago.  Now she will be joining the army and fighting for our country.  

     What happened to college and more time to grow and be a kid?  The services is the only way most kids can afford college these days.  What does it say about our country when we out price education to the extent that military service is almost the only option? One has already graduated and 2 more get their diplomas tomorrow.  I will rejoice in the amazing young people they have become.  I will surely shed a tear for what their future may hold.

Another Year Older

Age is A State of Mind

     Six months ago I had every intention of laying on a tropical beach with a cold drink in my hand for my birthday.  Instead I am stuck in what has become a mini Alaska with more snow on the way.  There is something not quite fair about this!!!  Things do not always work out the way we plan and I have had some pretty amazing birthdays so I guess I should not complain....But WHAAAAAAA!!!! I really wanted to go away to someplace warm!  

     This will be a quiet birthday this year.  I have clients in the morning after what is sure to be a two hour delay.  My friend and I will try and fit in a birthday lunch if the showings do not run too late.  A sandwich and a cupcake kind of day.  Sometimes they are the most special.  Other friends who are currently on a tropical island have promised me a steak dinner when they get back.  I have recently come off the vegetarian band wagon again and I told them all I want for my birthday is a juicy, seasoned, medium rare NYS steak!  My mouth is watering thinking about it.  It is the only reason I started eating meat again and I have yet to have a steak.  Mardi Gras is around the corner so we will all be together and eat , drink, and be merry!  Good friends and good times are all I need in life.

Transition

Growing up.....

     There comes in a time in life when you must decide what is right for someone else, even if it is not what you want.  This is called growing up.  We go through these changes several times in life.  Children learn to share their toys with a friend they really like.  Siblings learn to share their lives to keep the peace in a home they must also occupy.  Teens learn to compromise with parents and employers for the first time so that they may have the freedom they so desire.  The list goes on with each stage in life.

     This weekend I came to realize that I value the friendship I have with someone and do not want to lose it.  I enjoy his company, appreciate his opinion, and love to hear his stories.  I do not want to lose this in my life.  So I grew up a little more and I am working on building this friendship and letting go of the relationship.  It does not mean I don't love him, but love comes in many forms.  I am not good for him in the way I would like to be, but I know the real me, the one I keep hidden from him, will mesh well with his personality.  So it begins, the long journey into a life long friendship that will take time to build.  He keeps a lot inside and it will take time to earn his trust to really become friends, but the wait will be worth it.  In time he will see what a mess I am and lecture me on my life choices like my other buddies.  

     

Rapids and Rivers

A lazy day is lost on me...

     It has been said that opposites attract.  It has also been said that like attracts like.  In my personal opininion sayings in general are nothing more then words that mean something to someone at the time they are being read!  People put a great deal of thought into horoscopes and self help books and doctor shows on television.  I am not saying they do not have their place in life.  If a doctor show forces you to go get a medical condition checked out that you have been ignoring then fantastic!  If a self help book pushes you into a new and better lifestyle then cudos to the writer and to yourself! 

     I very rarely take time to sit and reflect these days.  I go and go until I drop.  I know this is on purpose.  I know that my self created chaos is merely a deterent to my own thoughts and dissatisfaction with my current lifestyle.  For the past 2 days I forced myself to rest.  I felt I was coming down with something and had just got back from a trip to see my dad, who had the flu!  I very rarely succomb to sick days but I also know spring selling season is around the corner and If I get a stomache virus I am done for.  My body does not tolerate this virus and will revolt on me for a good month.  Fantastic diet plan, bad for business.  For the first time in years I forced my self to stay home for 40 of the past 48 hours.  I did have to attend two appointments.

     I am not a tv person but I like to pull marathons now and then.  I proceeded to watch 2 seasons of Rescue Me back to back for 2 days.  Here is where we put the sales woman to bed for a while and let the counselor come back out to play.  Several dozen episodes later I am doing a complete analysis of the characters on the show and in turn self analyzing my own little messed up head.  The characters can be said to be sterotyped but in reality they are pretty damn close to life in the world it takes place in. This world parallels 2 other worlds I know so therefore it is not a self contained chaos but comically similar to what I call high pressure carreers.  High pressure carreers often lead to drinking, infidelity, immaturity, and general mental health issues.  This in turn often leads to physical ailments and an early grave.  I believe the last time I read up on this the average lifespan of high pressure carreer folk was about 65.  Kind of a scarey thought now that I am getting closer and closer to that age!  Your blue collar workers in these fields often drink and eat away the stress.  The white collar workers do the same but sometimes have the luxary to take vacations and work out as well which may combat some of the damage done by the food and alcohol.  I exist in both worlds.  I am white collar by day and blue collar by nite.  I work out but do not have the luxary of vacations very often.  

     My life is a bit chaotic which is why I find the self analysis part so fascinating.  As I re watched  the show, but back to back and in sequence this time, I began see my life a little differently.  There are several types of characters on the show.  Some are genuinely good people, others are easy going, then some are a little more complicated.  The lead character played by Dennis Leary is the most complicated of all.  This of course is exactly the type of person I am drawn to in all my friendships and relationships.  I have several friends who are the same way.  It does not matter if they are male or female and if the person they are drawn to is a lover or a friend.  As a group of people, a personality type ourselves, we are drawn to chaos.  We want to fix the broken, mend the problems, make the world right.  The ironic part is not because our lives are perfect, but because they are perfectly imperfect that we need to make every one else's life better.  To take the time to mend our own cracked foundations would be too costly, it is easier and less detrimental to our souls to take care of the world around us.  The relationships in this show amongst lovers, friends, and brothers are by some standards a complete mess.  I have a couple friends who look at this show and honestly believe no one lives this way.  I know from first hand experience that there is a large segment of the American population that does call this life very normal.  

     As I spent my two days of rest watching tv and going over my own life, I realize why I am the way I am.  I have tried normal, I have even tried dating normal, and I have friends who are "normal".

A normal lifestyle led to my own self demise in my early 20's.  As for dating Mr. Normal, I am always bored by date number 3 and turn them into friendships ( these are the same guys who will lecture me the entire rest of my freaking life)!!!  I keep considering I have enough friends and should just walk away and save myself the headache, but I do love them all and appreciate their concern.  As for my girlfriends who are normal, well I will always love them as well, but you know where you fall on the normal chart by how often I see you.  If I only talk to or see you several times a year and we are actually good friends, then I am saving you from my chaos, take comfort you are very sane and very normal.  If we comminicate several times a month you are tough enough to deal with my moods, and I am entertained by your chaos.  These folks are average on the sanity scale.  If I talk to or see you several times a week, well if you do not know it all ready, you are the walking definition of crazy.  

     These people are all very similar.  They ( we) all believe we are stronger then we are.  We know more then we do, we have everything under control, no one can hurt us, and no one understands what is really going on inside our crazy little heads.  We are convinced if anyone every really knew what we think about we would be locked up.  This is actually the decided difference between actually being crazy and feeling crazy.  A truly mentally ill person, does not think there is anything wrong with the terrible thoughts that go through the average person's head.  They honestly do not see themselves as ill or even different then anyone else. I know two people who fit this definition and not only is it fascinating but almost terrifying that they have no concept of their own illness.   A crazy person does not know they are crazy.  Now I know people are going to give me crap for using the word crazy, but this is a lite hearted piece not a peer reviewed article. 

     The lesson in all of this self analysis is simple.  I am destined for chaos.  It was predetermined in my upbringing and there is not a damned thing I can do about it.  So I have learned to enjoy the ride.  Nothing in  my life is permanent and I will always learn something from every relationship.  By the way if you know anyone who fits Dennis Leary's character I will definitely date him.   It won't last long but it would be a hell of a ride!