Alone

     I have been in a daze for months.  I can't seem to shake it.  I go through the motions day by day.  My business is thriving and I see my friends more then I used to.  So why do I feel like a shadow in my own life?  My smile is fake, my skin looks dull and my eyes seem lifeless.  To most I seem to have a very good life.  My colleagues congratulate me and ask for tips.  I am on the receiving end of many compliments from friends, family and strangers.  I am always dumbfounded when gentlemen ask me out or even pay me a compliment.  I don't see any of it.  I guess I always see what I have not done, what I should have done differently.  I feel very much a failure and yet I really can not account for it.  
     I suppose we all have an image in our minds of what life was to be like.  I was going to be a film maker, live in a quiet art community in California and have 2 or 3 hippie babies.  I knew I was not a soccer mom, but that was not how I wanted to raise my children anyway.  I wanted them to be free and artistic or explorers or even surfers.  I never really understood marriage,but I wanted a lover and friend for life. I wanted someone who appreciated and even worked in naturopathy.  I did not want to be condemned for my belief that not all medicine is good and organic whole food really is better for us and the environment.  
     I guess I was born 15 years to late.  I really should have been a young adult in the 70's.