Mondays.

Awakening

      I love Mondays. I love fresh starts and new beginnings. Yesterday a friend asked for the link to my blog. I write this for me. It has been very cool to see people all over the world read it. In the end this is my therapy. I realized after I sent the link that I had not touched it in months so I cleaned it up a bit and wrote something new. In the process I read the entire blog from start to finish and then went to sleep. I woke up feeling refreshed and alive! I realized that as difficult as the past two months have been I am only making it more difficult for myself by playing pretend. I am not a sales woman. I do not enjoy the game. 

     Sometimes the best thing in life we can do for ourselves is to acknowledge what we are not!  I can sell. I can lead. I can make a living doing what I am doing. I am cheating my heart by continuing to do this.

     I am a counselor. Long before college and degrees and training I was always the counselor, the caretaker, the one everyone turned to for advice. This is what made my heart happy. This is what I must do again. So today I make a promise to myself. Today I will begin the journey back into counseling and running support groups. I will even begin to figure out a way to go back and finish my masters degree so that I can continue my journey. Today I will be me. What better week to make a life decision. My birthday is this week and I believe birthdays are a start of the new year. I do not make resolutions on New Years Eve. I make them on my day. Birthday resolutions are purposeful, meaningful, private and a birthday is a reminder that life is about changing and growing. What will you do this year? Life is short. Make your years count for something good. 

Hibernation

Baby it's Cold Outside 

     I love being outside. Fall is my favorite time of year in Pennsylvania. I am and always will be a water girl. Summers in Maryland revive me. The beach will be my home in a few years.  Maybe it is my Aquarius sign or being raised with a pool as a summertime babysitter, but water calms me. Still, I find that no matter what the weather I prefer to be outside and feel happiest when I have fresh air and sunshine. That is until my hometown was transplanted to Siberia! I know it is winter and I know it should be cold, but this last month has been down right ridiculous. My trusty little weather App tells me it is currently 7° Out and feels like -3°! 

     I go to work. I come home. I hibernate. I am pretty sure I have gained 20 lbs in one month. Yes, I know the gym is indoors and perfectly accessible but I swear my desire to get healthy is directly related to sunshine! Therefore my hibernation has caused a severe lack of motivation. It does not hurt that I am bundled under 7 layers most days so who can tell if I gained a few pounds!  As I type this curiosity got the best of me and I stepped cautiously on the scale. Officially I have only gained 12 lbs since Thanksgiving. This is my official start of the holiday season and Mardi Gras my official end.  My body health on the other hand says something very different. I have even broke down and actually purchased insurance due to the steady decline in my health! I do not go to doctors. I rarely take medication. I believe in preventive maintenance. Take care of your body and it will take care of you. 

     I do have a child to think about. So off to the doctors I will go and figure out if this is just winter blahs affecting my general health or if I need to make some changes in life. Until then I will brave the cold get my growing backside into the gym and do a new juice cleanse. 

Cheers to green juice, green grass, blue sky's and warmer days ahead. 

-3° SMDH

The Unquiet Mind

     My mind never stops.  It is both a blessing and a curse.  I can multi task and accomplish amazing things when I am on point.  I can not finish a single task when I am not.  I will start 20 different things and not see a single one to the end on these days.  Sleeping is ridiculously difficult.  Sometimes it seems hard to breathe.  I am not having a panic attack, or losing my mind.  I just simply can not ever stop.  I mean really just "stop"! I want to sit down, to relax, to breathe.  I want to watch a movie all the way through or get my nails done without feeling like I am wasting so much time.  I need my own space, my surroundings, my life back! 

     I am in a transition.  That is what it is referred to by family.  I feel trapped, out of sorts, lost.  It is difficult enough to have an unquiet mind.  To live in surroundings that do not belong to you, that do not calm you, that are a reflection of everything that you are not, is complete torture.  Yet, I am grateful for my host.  I am grateful for the time I needed to make this transition.  I have been on my own for 20 years and much of that time my homes have been calming, neutral, almost hippie or bohemian in its designs. My current home is straight out of Home and Gardens Magazine.  Beautiful in every way.  It is classic suburban very white with a nice front porch, large trees and open, airy. It  even has an indoor water fountain hand made by a local engineer/artist. There is nothing wrong with this home for most of America.  Many would call it perfect.  I can't sleep.  I can't eat. I can't stop.

     My host is turned off by the smell of food cooking in the kitchen, the sounds of soft music playing throughout the house, the smell of incense, and blankets and pillows left out on a couch where one might want to sit and read a book each day.  Everything must look perfect.  I can not fault her.  This is her devil.  She must have complete order to feel in control.  This is her burden to bear.  We are opposite as night and day. 

     There have been people in my life that could quiet my mind.  My roommate in college.  We had several apartments together and I always felt calm around her.  My daughter, who is so very similar to me it is frightening,  This home hurts her soul as well.  That bothers me more then anything. A co worker at my part time job, when not being utterly annoying can calm my mind just by his presence.  A man I dated last year could calm me with a simple hug, or even a look across the room.  Actually to this day, since we rarely speak anymore, his eye contact can still make me stop. For a brief moment when I see his eyes, I can breathe.  I wish this to happen with the current gentleman I am seeing.  I fear it will not.  He is so very good but I do not know if I will ever be able to relax.  I don't know if he can calm me. 

     I do know I must move.  I need my own space, my own hide away, my own surroundings.  I need to be able to stop, breathe, sleep, cook, and reflect on my day.  This blog is disjointed, jumpy, and unclear.  This is my mind today.

Do You Remember?

Do You Remember Who You Were Before the World Told You Who To Be?

     When I was a little girl I wanted to be a doctor.  At some point that turned into a marine biologist.  Both were great aspirations for a little girl in the 70's.  I loved helping people and animals.  There were no barriers or doubts.  I could be anything I wanted to be as a precocious 7 year old.  The world was open, the possibilities were endless. 

     At the end of 6th grade before we entered junior high we took a placement test and apparently my math skills were not that great.  I was placed in a lower math then all of my friends and this devastated me.  I did not want to go to junior high.  This awesome transition was now tainted by my supposed stupidity.  My family began placing limitations on my dreams.  I could be a nurse or a vet assistant.  My all time favorite was " it's ok you will marry well"! 

   What the hell!  Why was this done, why is this done to children all over our country every day!  If a school system sees a problem they should fix the problem not look for an easy way out! Back then ADD was not a thing.  I was on a first name basis with principle and guidance counselors due to my complete inability to stay in my seat or play practical jokes on other kids. My teachers could not read my written work because it was always jumbled and out of order, but I was allowed to answer the questions verbally and still pass.  I would not find out until college that I also had dyslexia.  

     In my teens I threw myself full force into dancing.  Choreographers did not care about my grades, just my ability to pirouette. I was not a great dancer!  I was good, but not great and I knew I never would be.  This began my transition into writing, theater and film.  In my mind this still did not require education.  I had given up on myself as soon as everyone else gave up on me.  The crazy part is the amount of knowledge it takes to put on a show or make a film is insane!  The math and science alone needed to make sets, shoot characters at every possible angle, understand the lighting, I could go on and on.  

     I went to college a bit later in life.  I took a few years off and worked for a film studio and wrote plays on the side.  When I applied to college it was kind of a joke.  I really did not think I had a chance in hell of getting in.  I applied to one college, not a small school by any means, and was accepted!  I was in shock and suddenly very scared of what would happen next.  My second week of school an amazing teacher pulled me aside after class and asked if I would go to the student assistance center for some testing.  I was not sure what he expected to find but I went.  My life has never been the same.  For the first time in my life someone validated me.  I was not stupid!  I was ecstatic! I made some very simple changes to the way I did things and 4 years later graduated with a 3.8 GPA.  I was hopeful and full of promise, I really could be a doctor!  I had moved onto and fell in love with psychology at that point and was going to become a psychiatrist.  Life of course had different plans, but I still want it and the difference is I know I could do it.  

     Do you have a child that struggles?  I beg you to take an interest, fight for your child!  Do not shoot down their hopes and dreams because a standardized test told you to.  Find a better way and do not stop until you find it.  To be a parent is to be so many things, but most of all it is to be an advocate for someone to young to fight their own battles yet.

My Refelction

     You slept while I worked. The sound of the music soothed you. Not Bach or Mozart, but rap and rock. I was a bartender when you were in my belly. I would come home late, very late with swollen feet and aching legs to tired to shower the night away. Like magic, just when I laid down to pass out from exhaustion you would awaken. Many might think this a bother or annoying but I was so glad to have that time with you. I could feel you stretch and move inside of me. It was funny and comforting. I would talk to you and tell you about my day or what kind of mom I hoped to be. I played with you by poking my stomach and seeing if you responded. More often then not you would move to that side like you were reaching for my hand. I loved you more then you will ever understand even before I saw your sweet face. 
      You are one and a constant joy. So much love, life and humor pour from your little body it overwhelms me somedays. I never knew how much I could love until I had you. My days start so very early and end very late. I am back in college and working full time. But I do it around your schedule so I can watch you grow. I want to be there for you every day. You are my motivation to be the best person I can be. You are my reason to smile, get good grades, work extra hard, and most importantly to learn to love and trust as I never knew how to before. Your little fingers wrapped mine, the way you look at me while we cuddle at nap time, as if nothing else matters but me and you. The silly faces you make just to make me laugh. I honestly believe this is your biggest joy in life, making me laugh. The harder I laugh the more you giggle and try for more. 
     3 years old you find me crying in the bathroom. You give me a hug and say " silly daddy had too many beers" 
      Five years old and tomorrow is your first day of kindergarten. You are so excited and scared, proud and nervous. Will the kids like you, is your uniform perfect, will the bus ride be scary? So many questions keeping my little girl awake. The morning comes and you look so grown up in your little uniform. The bus ride is scary, for me. I follow the bus to school and watch you walk inside. I Join other parents peeking in the cafeteria window to see that their little ones are ok as well. At the end of the day when I pick you up I am overcome with emotion as I watch you play quietly in the corner with your new friend. Life is perfect. 
       6 years old you find me crying in the kitchen amongst broken glass. I stop you from walking in so you do not cut your feet. You go put on my shoes, so big on your feet they make me smile. Again you hug me and say" its ok momma, daddy just had too many beers." 
      Nine years old and life is less then perfect. Daddy and I will not be living together anymore. We will not be living in our house anymore. We will be moving in with nana for a while. So many changes and so many rough times in the past 4 years. I can not hide the bad from you anymore. You are to smart and see through the lies. My heart breaks as you look to me for answers and for once I have none. I am exhausted from the fighting, the pretending, the pain. I just smile through my tears and tell you everything will be ok. I know that it will. I am a fighter, I may be down for this round, but I will get back up and we will be ok. 
      11 Years old and you have just started seeing daddy again for the first time in a year.
 12 years old and you are angry, so very angry. " why does daddy drink, why does he use drugs?" At the same time no one else can talk bad about your daddy. I try and explain addiction to a girl on the brink of her teen years. I try and explain why things are the way they are with out making daddy into a bad person. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I want to shout from the rooftops so many things. I want you to know how I worked two jobs your entire life while he squandered my money away. I want you to know you could not go back to the school where all your friends went because he spent your tuition money. I want you to know that we lost our home because he refused to get a job. I want you to know that we are still at nan's house because he does not pay a dime. Instead I smile and tell you he can not help it. He needs help and it will only work when he is ready to accept it. 
      15 and so grown up. You have gone trough so many changes. You are trying to find your way, trying on different personalities, goth, punk, sporty, preppy. I almost can't keep up and love every minute of it. Except I worry. I know it is because you feel like you don't belong. I know you feel lost and I don't know what to do. I can see I am losing you but I can't kiss this booboo and make it better. Your 10th grade year was and will hopefully be the toughest year of our lives. Anorexia, drinking, drugs. My reflection is staring back at me. I am looking at myself and wonder how is this possible? Is it hereditary?Everything you are going through, everything you are doing to your body, it was everything I did too. I cry myself to sleep many nights, just hoping we will make it through this. I pray to a God I do not know that I will not lose you. I dream endlessly of those little fingers wrapped around mine. I blame myself for not leaving daddy sooner. I never should have exposed you to that, I never should have allowed him in your life. I still don't know if that would have changed where we are right now. I don't want you to fall for a man that will hurt you. Your first boyfriend is just that guy. Just like daddy, he fools everyone until you run away from him and I know. It is an act he is not good and he needs to go.

     Glorious 16 and we take a trip to Vegas to see grandpa and your very cool aunt.  Your first flight, your first time out west, the brilliant lights and the wealth that surrounds us mystifys you.  We come back and get your permit and the first drive is frightening and real and amazing.  You are growing up so fast now and there is nothing I can do to stop it.  I want so bad to cuddle you, hold you and tell you life has so many amazing times ahead.  I know this year has been very difficult but you will survive and your life will be wonderful.  

It is summer and you have a new friend.  I like her even though I don't show it.  You are happy and this makes me happy.  I still want to make the pain go away when I see it in your eyes, but for now I will stand back and be there if you need me.  I will always catch you when you fall to far, but sometimes you need a few bumps along the way.  This is how we grow.  

Where Has Time Gone

TIME GOES TOO QUICK

     It seems like yesterday that all the children graduating this year were just babies themselves.  In many ways so many of them still are.  They say each generation is getting younger and less ready for the world, I really think these guys need a few more years to be kids.  I just can not see them as grown men and women. I still remember one of them in his mom's belly!  He has grown up to be a good young man, still unsure of what he wants to do in life.  So much like the other.  This young man I only met one short year ago.  It seems like a lifetime as I have watched him change and grow. He talks of being a marine and as amazing as that is it scares me to death. The third is a friends daughter who is vibrant and full of life.  She was such a lost little soul just 2 short years ago.  Now she will be joining the army and fighting for our country.  

     What happened to college and more time to grow and be a kid?  The services is the only way most kids can afford college these days.  What does it say about our country when we out price education to the extent that military service is almost the only option? One has already graduated and 2 more get their diplomas tomorrow.  I will rejoice in the amazing young people they have become.  I will surely shed a tear for what their future may hold.

Another Year Older

Age is A State of Mind

     Six months ago I had every intention of laying on a tropical beach with a cold drink in my hand for my birthday.  Instead I am stuck in what has become a mini Alaska with more snow on the way.  There is something not quite fair about this!!!  Things do not always work out the way we plan and I have had some pretty amazing birthdays so I guess I should not complain....But WHAAAAAAA!!!! I really wanted to go away to someplace warm!  

     This will be a quiet birthday this year.  I have clients in the morning after what is sure to be a two hour delay.  My friend and I will try and fit in a birthday lunch if the showings do not run too late.  A sandwich and a cupcake kind of day.  Sometimes they are the most special.  Other friends who are currently on a tropical island have promised me a steak dinner when they get back.  I have recently come off the vegetarian band wagon again and I told them all I want for my birthday is a juicy, seasoned, medium rare NYS steak!  My mouth is watering thinking about it.  It is the only reason I started eating meat again and I have yet to have a steak.  Mardi Gras is around the corner so we will all be together and eat , drink, and be merry!  Good friends and good times are all I need in life.

Transition

Growing up.....

     There comes in a time in life when you must decide what is right for someone else, even if it is not what you want.  This is called growing up.  We go through these changes several times in life.  Children learn to share their toys with a friend they really like.  Siblings learn to share their lives to keep the peace in a home they must also occupy.  Teens learn to compromise with parents and employers for the first time so that they may have the freedom they so desire.  The list goes on with each stage in life.

     This weekend I came to realize that I value the friendship I have with someone and do not want to lose it.  I enjoy his company, appreciate his opinion, and love to hear his stories.  I do not want to lose this in my life.  So I grew up a little more and I am working on building this friendship and letting go of the relationship.  It does not mean I don't love him, but love comes in many forms.  I am not good for him in the way I would like to be, but I know the real me, the one I keep hidden from him, will mesh well with his personality.  So it begins, the long journey into a life long friendship that will take time to build.  He keeps a lot inside and it will take time to earn his trust to really become friends, but the wait will be worth it.  In time he will see what a mess I am and lecture me on my life choices like my other buddies.  

     

Rapids and Rivers

A lazy day is lost on me...

     It has been said that opposites attract.  It has also been said that like attracts like.  In my personal opininion sayings in general are nothing more then words that mean something to someone at the time they are being read!  People put a great deal of thought into horoscopes and self help books and doctor shows on television.  I am not saying they do not have their place in life.  If a doctor show forces you to go get a medical condition checked out that you have been ignoring then fantastic!  If a self help book pushes you into a new and better lifestyle then cudos to the writer and to yourself! 

     I very rarely take time to sit and reflect these days.  I go and go until I drop.  I know this is on purpose.  I know that my self created chaos is merely a deterent to my own thoughts and dissatisfaction with my current lifestyle.  For the past 2 days I forced myself to rest.  I felt I was coming down with something and had just got back from a trip to see my dad, who had the flu!  I very rarely succomb to sick days but I also know spring selling season is around the corner and If I get a stomache virus I am done for.  My body does not tolerate this virus and will revolt on me for a good month.  Fantastic diet plan, bad for business.  For the first time in years I forced my self to stay home for 40 of the past 48 hours.  I did have to attend two appointments.

     I am not a tv person but I like to pull marathons now and then.  I proceeded to watch 2 seasons of Rescue Me back to back for 2 days.  Here is where we put the sales woman to bed for a while and let the counselor come back out to play.  Several dozen episodes later I am doing a complete analysis of the characters on the show and in turn self analyzing my own little messed up head.  The characters can be said to be sterotyped but in reality they are pretty damn close to life in the world it takes place in. This world parallels 2 other worlds I know so therefore it is not a self contained chaos but comically similar to what I call high pressure carreers.  High pressure carreers often lead to drinking, infidelity, immaturity, and general mental health issues.  This in turn often leads to physical ailments and an early grave.  I believe the last time I read up on this the average lifespan of high pressure carreer folk was about 65.  Kind of a scarey thought now that I am getting closer and closer to that age!  Your blue collar workers in these fields often drink and eat away the stress.  The white collar workers do the same but sometimes have the luxary to take vacations and work out as well which may combat some of the damage done by the food and alcohol.  I exist in both worlds.  I am white collar by day and blue collar by nite.  I work out but do not have the luxary of vacations very often.  

     My life is a bit chaotic which is why I find the self analysis part so fascinating.  As I re watched  the show, but back to back and in sequence this time, I began see my life a little differently.  There are several types of characters on the show.  Some are genuinely good people, others are easy going, then some are a little more complicated.  The lead character played by Dennis Leary is the most complicated of all.  This of course is exactly the type of person I am drawn to in all my friendships and relationships.  I have several friends who are the same way.  It does not matter if they are male or female and if the person they are drawn to is a lover or a friend.  As a group of people, a personality type ourselves, we are drawn to chaos.  We want to fix the broken, mend the problems, make the world right.  The ironic part is not because our lives are perfect, but because they are perfectly imperfect that we need to make every one else's life better.  To take the time to mend our own cracked foundations would be too costly, it is easier and less detrimental to our souls to take care of the world around us.  The relationships in this show amongst lovers, friends, and brothers are by some standards a complete mess.  I have a couple friends who look at this show and honestly believe no one lives this way.  I know from first hand experience that there is a large segment of the American population that does call this life very normal.  

     As I spent my two days of rest watching tv and going over my own life, I realize why I am the way I am.  I have tried normal, I have even tried dating normal, and I have friends who are "normal".

A normal lifestyle led to my own self demise in my early 20's.  As for dating Mr. Normal, I am always bored by date number 3 and turn them into friendships ( these are the same guys who will lecture me the entire rest of my freaking life)!!!  I keep considering I have enough friends and should just walk away and save myself the headache, but I do love them all and appreciate their concern.  As for my girlfriends who are normal, well I will always love them as well, but you know where you fall on the normal chart by how often I see you.  If I only talk to or see you several times a year and we are actually good friends, then I am saving you from my chaos, take comfort you are very sane and very normal.  If we comminicate several times a month you are tough enough to deal with my moods, and I am entertained by your chaos.  These folks are average on the sanity scale.  If I talk to or see you several times a week, well if you do not know it all ready, you are the walking definition of crazy.  

     These people are all very similar.  They ( we) all believe we are stronger then we are.  We know more then we do, we have everything under control, no one can hurt us, and no one understands what is really going on inside our crazy little heads.  We are convinced if anyone every really knew what we think about we would be locked up.  This is actually the decided difference between actually being crazy and feeling crazy.  A truly mentally ill person, does not think there is anything wrong with the terrible thoughts that go through the average person's head.  They honestly do not see themselves as ill or even different then anyone else. I know two people who fit this definition and not only is it fascinating but almost terrifying that they have no concept of their own illness.   A crazy person does not know they are crazy.  Now I know people are going to give me crap for using the word crazy, but this is a lite hearted piece not a peer reviewed article. 

     The lesson in all of this self analysis is simple.  I am destined for chaos.  It was predetermined in my upbringing and there is not a damned thing I can do about it.  So I have learned to enjoy the ride.  Nothing in  my life is permanent and I will always learn something from every relationship.  By the way if you know anyone who fits Dennis Leary's character I will definitely date him.   It won't last long but it would be a hell of a ride! 

New Years Resolutions and Other Lessons

My Resolution is Simply to Live in the Present...

     I do not make New Years resolutions.  I feel like they are a set up for failure even for the strongest of my friends.  Every year in January my gym is flooded with newbies who have made a resolution to get fit.  Not that I am against it, I think its great! I just change up the time I go so I can avoid the temporary crowd.  What bugs me is by February It's like they were never there at all!  Same old faces as before the holidays and we chat and sweat and get through the cold early mornings together.  I think if you are going to resolve to do something then you should commit yourself to it 100%.  I also think any resolution fueled by a night of drinking is probably a bad idea!  

     This year I want to try a small resolution mainly due to my new found freedom from myself.  I have kept a fortress around myself for 40 years and lived really well.  This year for the first time ever I let the wall come down and at the ripe old age of 42 I am getting through my very first broken heart.  It is almost comical that all the things I heard girls say all my life I am feeling for the first time.  It is a very liberating experience, and truly amazing because as an adult I can do something the younger me could not have.  I can take responsibility.   I allowed my past to mess with my present and I have no one to blame but me.  So in honor of the new year I simply resolve to live in the present, be my true self, love deeply, and love often.  Life is to short to live a false life.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!